I may have blinders on, but I don't think there is much holding me back anymore. I have looked my issues in the face, and I am working on them everyday. I am not perfect. I am not healed. I am not headed towards being the worlds most well adjusted man, but I actually LIKE who I am becoming. It is taking work. It is going slow, but I feel today that I have a better handle on my anger, my pride and my emotions in general. I have definitely grown as a person, at least I feel that I have. I KNOW that I would not treat my marriage today, the way I had in the past. I realize better now, how my words and actions affect the people around me. I understand a lot more about myself. I realize a lot of things about the way I deal with certain emotions, such as hurt and the way I turn it into anger as a defense mechanism. I understand better, the importance of expressing love in a healthy way, not holding back or keeping score due to pride or ego. I understand the importance of communicating, but more importantly, listening. When I look back, I see that I never actually LISTENED to what my wife had been telling me, and I definitely never validated her feelings or emotions. I learned from those mistakes. I truly get that now. I truly have a better understanding of myself and how I relate to people I love. I am a work in progress, but I am improving. It will be a slow road, and not one that I plan on giving up on.
Dealing with the past hurt and mistakes I made along the way is something I will get over, but it is going to follow me for quite some time. I may never fully get rid of it. I have accepted that. I very well may return to IC in the future. I was with my wife for 12 years. She was my only true love and only long term relationship I have had. Losing that, for whatever reason, is going to be a hurdle that will be tough to get over. Knowing that I played a big role in the demise of the marriage, as well as changing the direction and outcome of my daughters life is something that I will have to deal with. It will be tough...plain and simple. It's TOUGH!
