About your D, why did you redirect? You could say something like "It seems like you're sad. Do you know why it makes you sad?" and just listen. You don't have to make it better, she just needs someone to listen. Listen and validate, just like you're learned with DB.
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It is such a shame that a sweet little innocent girl has to deal with the feelings she is undoubtedly experiencing.
I get your point but you don't really know how she's feeling, again you're mindreading. And that's a controlling act because it keeps it safe for you. You've decided you know what she's feeling so you don't have to get into it further. Communication shuts down.
This sounds really cliched but, you skate on the surface of your emotional life. I haven't been to EE but several people here, including 25, give it raves. Ever thought about doing something like that?
In the meantime...
Slow down, ask questions, be open. You might create a relationship with your D that's beyond your wildest hopes.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
In the last week, I almost feel like I am entering a new level of detachment. I still have a ways to go, but I am moving farther and farther away from worrying about my past life, or wondering about what wife is up to. I am spending more time concentrating on my own life, and less time holding expectations for the future. Unfortunately, I am still waking up every day with dreams of wife or marriage or something to do with the past or present with her. I wish I could make that stop. I could really use the sleep...haha
My focus IS starting to change, and it feels good. It's been almost 9 months, and I am running at maybe 75%. I am praying that life continues to improve. Stay away, rollercoaster...STAY AWAY! I am almost able to breathe again!
About your D, why did you redirect? You could say something like "It seems like you're sad. Do you know why it makes you sad?" and just listen. You don't have to make it better, she just needs someone to listen. Listen and validate, just like you're learned with DB.
That makes sense, and I will validate her emotions more in the future. I just wasn't sure how to handle it at the time. It was a pretty big gut punch for me to hear. In the moment, I was fearful of leading her into an emotion, if that makes sense? Like a typical parent, I just wanted her to STOP what she was feeling and be happy again. I know that isn't the way, but it is a strong feeling to overcome, especially when I was reeling in emotion myself.
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It is such a shame that a sweet little innocent girl has to deal with the feelings she is undoubtedly experiencing.
Originally Posted By: labug
I get your point but you don't really know how she's feeling, again you're mindreading. And that's a controlling act because it keeps it safe for you. You've decided you know what she's feeling so you don't have to get into it further. Communication shuts down.
I understand what you're saying, but that really wasn't the case. I DO KNOW she was feeling sad. The tears running down her cheeks, and her expressing what was making her feel that way, rang pretty loudly in my ears. I DO KNOW the loss of a stable home environment, with a Mom and Dad under one roof, is affecting her emotionally. She expressed that to me. I wasn't mind reading. Granted, I did not dig deeper into it, and I clearly should have. I just didn't want to, (or maybe I just couldn't), deal with the hurt at the time. Seeing the pain in her eyes and the hurt in her voice made me want to cheer her up. It came pretty unexpectedly, and I wasn't prepared for it. I will do better the next time she expresses anything to me, that is affecting her. I always view her as an innocent little 6 year old girl, my "baby", and I realize that is naive. I need to understand that she is developing her own emotions, thoughts and expectations in life. She is growing as a person. I need to validate her more, and I will. I need to listen to her more, and I will. Thank you, La. I needed to be reminded of that. :-)
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This sounds really cliched but, you skate on the surface of your emotional life. I haven't been to EE but several people here, including 25, give it raves. Ever thought about doing something like that?
In the meantime...
Slow down, ask questions, be open. You might create a relationship with your D that's beyond your wildest hopes.
I think you're right. I do skate on the surface. I have never dug deeper into my emotions because they have served me well enough over the years. Now, is the first time in my life that I am really struggling with them. With that said, I have not considered EE. I haven't been considering anything in regards to counseling, workshops or the like in quite some time. Maybe I should. I will do a little research into EE, and see if it is available in my area.
In the future, I WILL slow down, ask questions and do a better job validating my daughter. That is excellent advice, and something I will take very seriously!
I just googled EE. It looks very interesting. unfortunately, due to location, airfare, enrollment costs and time away from home, it isn't an option for me at this time.
Any other suggestions, perhaps in Washington State?
I understand what you're saying, but that really wasn't the case. I DO KNOW she was feeling sad. The tears running down her cheeks, and her expressing what was making her feel that way, rang pretty loudly in my ears. I DO KNOW the loss of a stable home environment, with a Mom and Dad under one roof, is affecting her emotionally. She expressed that to me.
This wasn't in your original post, so thanks for the clarification. But asking can still open up a very different conversation.
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I have never dug deeper into my emotions because they have served me well enough over the years. Now, is the first time in my life that I am really struggling with them. With that said, I have not considered EE. I haven't been considering anything in regards to counseling, workshops or the like in quite some time. Maybe I should. I will do a little research into EE, and see if it is available in my area.
SP, you're getting a D. You've just talked about how terrible the is for your D, you wake up every night with thoughts of your W, you're struggling. If you re-read your early threads, you say that you were not emotionally there for W and you hurt her emotionally with your anger, suspicions, control, etc. So to say that your emotions have served you well over the years is suspect.
What priority to you put on changing you so that this doesn't happen again? Some people can come here and work through things without outside help but I would guess 75-80% of the people here have an IC.
When this topic comes up, you always have a reason why you can't, not enough money, too busy with work. Really? I'm not saying you should go in debt to go to EE but there are alternatives.
I struggled for years with depression but thought I was doing OK, keeping is hidden, trying to self-help and muscle my way out of the woods. I was only kidding myself. I damaged all the important relationships in my life. I'm slowing repairing that but it's painful to know that you hurt those you love because of ego and pride.
When my marriage came crashing down around my ears, I knew the jig was up. I had to pay the piper, in more ways than one.
My life is so much better now, my Rs going forward will be different and better. Not without trials but strong Rs with healthy people can withstand trials.
So what's your hurdle? What's holding you back?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I may have blinders on, but I don't think there is much holding me back anymore. I have looked my issues in the face, and I am working on them everyday. I am not perfect. I am not healed. I am not headed towards being the worlds most well adjusted man, but I actually LIKE who I am becoming. It is taking work. It is going slow, but I feel today that I have a better handle on my anger, my pride and my emotions in general. I have definitely grown as a person, at least I feel that I have. I KNOW that I would not treat my marriage today, the way I had in the past. I realize better now, how my words and actions affect the people around me. I understand a lot more about myself. I realize a lot of things about the way I deal with certain emotions, such as hurt and the way I turn it into anger as a defense mechanism. I understand better, the importance of expressing love in a healthy way, not holding back or keeping score due to pride or ego. I understand the importance of communicating, but more importantly, listening. When I look back, I see that I never actually LISTENED to what my wife had been telling me, and I definitely never validated her feelings or emotions. I learned from those mistakes. I truly get that now. I truly have a better understanding of myself and how I relate to people I love. I am a work in progress, but I am improving. It will be a slow road, and not one that I plan on giving up on.
Dealing with the past hurt and mistakes I made along the way is something I will get over, but it is going to follow me for quite some time. I may never fully get rid of it. I have accepted that. I very well may return to IC in the future. I was with my wife for 12 years. She was my only true love and only long term relationship I have had. Losing that, for whatever reason, is going to be a hurdle that will be tough to get over. Knowing that I played a big role in the demise of the marriage, as well as changing the direction and outcome of my daughters life is something that I will have to deal with. It will be tough...plain and simple. It's TOUGH!
I may have blinders on, but I don't think there is much holding me back anymore. I have looked my issues in the face, and I am working on them everyday. I am not perfect. I am not healed. I am not headed towards being the worlds most well adjusted man, but I actually LIKE who I am becoming. It is taking work. It is going slow, but I feel today that I have a better handle on my anger, my pride and my emotions in general. I have definitely grown as a person, at least I feel that I have. I KNOW that I would not treat my marriage today, the way I had in the past. I realize better now, how my words and actions affect the people around me. I understand a lot more about myself. I realize a lot of things about the way I deal with certain emotions, such as hurt and the way I turn it into anger as a defense mechanism. I understand better, the importance of expressing love in a healthy way, not holding back or keeping score due to pride or ego. I understand the importance of communicating, but more importantly, listening. When I look back, I see that I never actually LISTENED to what my wife had been telling me, and I definitely never validated her feelings or emotions. I learned from those mistakes. I truly get that now. I truly have a better understanding of myself and how I relate to people I love. I am a work in progress, but I am improving. It will be a slow road, and not one that I plan on giving up on.
Dealing with the past hurt and mistakes I made along the way is something I will get over, but it is going to follow me for quite some time. I may never fully get rid of it. I have accepted that. I very well may return to IC in the future. I was with my wife for 12 years. She was my only true love and only long term relationship I have had. Losing that, for whatever reason, is going to be a hurdle that will be tough to get over. Knowing that I played a big role in the demise of the marriage, as well as changing the direction and outcome of my daughters life is something that I will have to deal with. It will be tough...plain and simple. It's TOUGH!
You show so much wisdom. Though this is a very hard thing to go through, it's good to be in the number of people who have chosen to use this hard time as a time of understanding and growth. So many unfortunately don't.
My H was my first relationship (long or short lol), so I definitely can relate to you there. All the best to you as you continue your journey.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Just finished catching up on your thread. Good to hear you are feeling better and more confident about the person you are becoming! Personal growth is what this is all about--becoming a new, improved you moving forward. Accepting our mistakes and dealing with our contributions to the breakdown of our marriages.
ruby says it so well in that really the LBS's are the ones that ultimately have the power and when you feel that power shift--that you are the one in control, no the WAS then you know you have arrived.
No, you didn't choose for your family to break. But, you cannot control your W or her decisions. And, the past is the past. Choose to move forward in a positive direction. Take the high road where OM is concerned. Talk to your daughter and validate her feelings, as I know you already do.
My friend, I think you and I have arrived to a new part of the path that is our journey. Welcome to the new road...it's still bumpy but the view is a whole lot better!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Hey, SP, I think you've grown as a person too. I was just suggesting ways that might help you get to the roots of those issues you mentioned and remove them.
Sometimes it's good to have a coach to keep us on the right track.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
