IC session was good. I am good. Therapist talked about my W and how "sick" she is in her opinion right now and her concern. We talked about boundries with W. How and if I was able to support her as a friend and not a wife. W seems very alone. She's not opening up to family out of shame and completely obliterated her friendships. So I am processing that part of me that wants to help her, and this is how I put it to my T:
"As a friend, I want to gently show her the road to the light and allow her to choose to walk a path to healthy or not." My therapist asked what road I would take? Was I going to try to walk it with her?.. "No. I'm going to get back in my hot air balloon and sail. This is not my work it's hers."
So... My therapist has me at a crossroads to contemplate. About whether or not I want to support my W in her recovery as a friend. Am I capable? Could I be here for her for "touches" but not enable her any longer?
Tough stuff. W called a little while later. (she said she would call me again today). I couldn't answer but texted I'd get back to her. I did an hour or so later.
She was still in bed at 1:30pm. She had no idea what to do, where to go, how to get there. She and AP talked last night. AP stayed in a hotel. AP wants her to go to counseling. (I called that one! ) AP found a therapist that will meet with each of them tonight 30 minutes alone first and then an hour together. W feels guilty because she never tried counseling in her M. AP told her if she didn't change her flight booked for Monday to the airport upstate that it was over. W says she's not changing the flight. Now my typing is taking on the rambling of my W's thoughts.
I just listened. The counseling thing enraged me but I remained silent. She kept talking. She was so glad she can be more honest with me. She doesn't deserve me.
W: What do you think? What should I do?
M: Stepping out of any other role in your life other than your friend, my advice would be to focus on you. Put your marriage in a box and shelf it. Put your affair in a box and shelf it. You need a happy, healthy, stronger you. That person is the only person that can clean all this up. Spend some time focused on making yourself happy and healthy. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Think about what that person looks like and what you could do to get there.
A little more of that back and forth. Some plain old good DB and IC advice relayed to her. She was thankful. She said she didn't have that kind of support anywhere. That AP just wanted her to be happy and hunky dory and doesn't understand she has things to work out. I said, "Of course you do. That must be hard to not feel supported at home."
W: What do you think about this emergency counseling session AP wants?
M: What do you hope to get from it? Do you feel like it will help YOU?
W: I want to go in and be really honest. I want someone else to tell us we don't belong together. I don't want to leave AP. I want her to leave me.
M: Why?
W: So I don't look like the bad guy. I am always the bad guy. I can't take it anymore.
M: I see why you could feel that way. I don't think there are any "bad guys" in this situation. Bad choices. Not bad people.
W: AP said if even 1% of me loves you and wants to come back home that she wants to know and it's over. Of course I do. I don't want to lie anymore. How do I stop lying?
M: I'm sure it's hard. Sometimes we lie thinking we are protecting others but truth always prevails doesn't it?
W: Yes. And then it's even worse when it comes out because I lied. How did I become a liar RT?
M: I don't know W. But it doesn't define you. Could that be something you explore for yourself in some type of IC?
She spent the last 5 minutes singing my praises. Then she told me she loved me. She knows we were not going to talk about "us" but when she says she loves me she wanted me to know it's not just as a friend. That she "really does" love me.
The exchange was good. I meant it all. I really do hope she figures it all out. And I will be here for her if she needs a friend.
Me? I'm ok. I'm headed out this weekend to my friends lake house for some good times and R&R. I'm happy to be on the other side of LimboLand and SO glad I took the detour off the CrazyTown Connector those two are on now.
Interesting questions from therapist? "Do you still see yourself as married?" Not really. I see myself where I am... in the process of a divorce.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Fantastic!!! I think that hot shower some how iced your veins, RT! It isn't possible with physics. What's your secret?
Hope there'll be some water skiing [insert water sport of choice] for you out at the lake. Have fun! You've handled some pretty heavy stuff. Time for light and fun stuff, my friend.
Have fun RT!! I find when H goes off the deep end and he did with massage girl, that I really found my place and was very strong. Now he is stronger I self so I have to find my space again, although its more of checking to see everything is still where I left it rather than being undefined.
RT, I think you've got your groove back too
There are some serious good vibes and hard work going on these days. I am privileged to know you all :))
WOW!!! Just caught up on your sitch, RT, and I wish I had my own popcorn!
I think you handled the whole sitch amazingly and I'm glad you are feeling okay after all of that drama. Enjoy your weekend!
Me: 27 H: 27 Together: 11, M: 3 S 2 BD: 06/24/13 Living together H: EA - unknown current status Read: DB, 5LL (slowly reading DR) Back and forth we go...
??????Who has a WAS that goes to couples counseling with their AP?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Seemingly me. That's who. So I spent part of last night trying to process that. I don't know for sure if they went, but if it was Vegas, I'd double down on it.
It hurts. I tried to just acknowledge that and feel it last night. As I laid in bed I googled it. Nothing. It seems no one on the planet has ever left their marriage, moved in with their AP and went for couples counseling to save the affair after living together for 2 1/2 weeks. When I type it out I want to laugh! Then I realize it's my W and I want to cry!... and laugh...
So I put the phone down, cut the light and prayed. I prayed for W, she's lost, confused, in pain. I prayed for the therapist they are going to, that this person guide W, be filled with wisdom and be used as a tool in God's plan. Then I told God I didn't really have much to say about AP... but if God wanted to listen to whatever the Spirit had to say about her on my behalf, well then, ok. Faith, trust, perserverance. I've got to give it all over... I'm struggling with this particular pot hole though. Couples counseling... really?
I want to know soooo bad if they went? what happened? what was said? Was the therapist a complete moron and is going to treat them? My W and I went to 1 MC session a year ago (before I even knew it was a PA... she wanted to. I told her... I told her. "No sense in going if your not willing to end your A." So after an hour together our LFMT said to my W, "Are you willing to end your A and have no contact with the AP?" My W said "No. I'm not ready." So our MC said, "Well then I can't help you. My advice would be for each of you to get into independant counseling."
I really hope this therapist is half as insightful and as that one was.
I'm not contacting. I'm not contacting. I'm posting. Oh goodness... it might be one of those days! LOL!!!! I'm good. But really... Couples counseling. Caaaa-Raaaaa-Zaaaaay!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
I had a tough day yesterday AM as you are aware......
Last weekend, My W had a landscaper come over because there was 118 sq feet of area we anted weeded and covered with stone (more appealing for potential sale).
The landscaper quoted us 5 labor hours for just the weeding.
My mind still thinking about D3 and family I downed some peanut butter crackers and I cleared that MF'er!
I was sore as hell- popped an advil, downed some eggs and passed out in bed.
This morning the head is still clear.
Find some weeds my friend
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Excellent job on not responding to AP at all. Well done, my dear. Stay STRONG and straight on the DB path.
) AP found a therapist that will meet with each of them tonight 30 minutes alone first and then an hour together. W feels guilty because she never tried counseling in her M. AP told her if she didn't change her flight booked for Monday to the airport upstate that it was over. W says she's not changing the flight. Now my typing is taking on the rambling of my W's thoughts. 