talk about standing and WHY BVOTHER????? yes - ta da - a really good day in the hood here. \ THIS A.M- i pick up jake (1.2 yr) - he's got pneumonia and home frmo daycare - so we're here, had a walk - h went to see old aunt-& is going to play tennis too.
so jake & i are here & he comes in- just kind of mulches around- and then says very casually- "you know, if you want to stay down here longer and you want to consider the other option - and you'll let me go - uh - visit" that would be okay
soooo - this stinking thing i've been waiting on - ker plop - and just when i thought we'd safely navigated my stay with no giant THING - IT HAPPENS and for me - still no total indifference wtf????/ . i didn't go bonkers, or even raise my voice or anything- i think i said - "I just don't know - i hate it as you know - and been doing my best to be "neutral" - but honestly- the thought of me just telling you to go off to screw your girlfriend - the words just stick in my throat. we both know you'll do what you want- you always do". exit me
idk dawn- inside i am NEVER COOL in an emergency. i'm never "ready" it seems and i'm Never on top of this entire sitch. and i thnk of all the detachment stuff we all tell each other- i can't imagine total detachment and still bothering to stand. and how i appear to him- i can't even imagine.
probably a pathetic stinking cow.
there's MY dislike FOR THE PERSON HE seems to be now - which enables me to be "cooler" a bit- but i've got a really bad feeling that tho i'm not bleeding or radbid - ; only totally not being able to stand this guy and wanting him out of my life forever - totally- no backs (hate) - is what will make me "detached" ENOUGH.
i cannot (still apparently) get over him being able to say rite to my face this, like it's no big deal. and what's with the "You'll let me go" crap. like i have any choice or power here. \
so - tho i thought i'd deal with it when it came (better) - i can't imagine sitting here in his stinkin house while he's up there. and then what? greeting him at the door _ "oh hello darling- did you have a wonnnnnderful time????
and what? make him a sandwich for the drive- like - what the f am i anyway. nothing to him and that is FOR SURE.
I thnk of you knowing your h sees ow regularly- and you know and how you must feel with that - and how far over the lines it's pushed you- i see, i really do. i cann't imagine how you endure it.
SOOOO - RATHER FEELS LIKE LIFE IN THE TOILET AT THIS MOMENT HERE- NOT THAT I HAD ANY NOTION ANYTHING WAS DIFFERENT- IT'S JUST THAT THIS IS SOMETHING I DON'T EVER SEE MYSELF GETTING ACCUSTOMED TO. (apparently)
AND LIKE YOU - IM THINKING the only way to deal with it all is to not know about it all- BUT - when i'm in nj I still know. the only way i will not know is total global nuclear war and me disappearing and/or cutting him out of my life totally..
than- yeah, i know- need that REAL JOB , etc. this [censored]. finances, eetc. homelessness, poverty, etc...
i was thinking i'd be a bit more "cool" in my head & insides about this. not like i wasn't expecting it. not like i thought it was alllll gone.
i'm sick of trying to read signs and stfu and waiting and waiting and waiting.....
i know i will continue- rite now i hate myself for allowing me to even remember how lonely it feels all alone - no kidding. this is icky as hell- "the devil you know" kinda thing. GOD - so like poor old linda- we're all supposed to be acting like it's okay- like all as if - like we got lives - like we don't give a darn - etc.
so like - blew that i guess - I was going to say WHATEVER - AND TOTALLY didn't even remember. and i shouldn't have responded at all rite??? oh man- this being perfect thing stinks- i'm just not.
SO, LIKE what the heck am i supposed to be telling myself? be glad it's only once every two or three or so weeks???/ be glad it's not every day or nite at work or after???
the thing is this- this kind of compartmentalization and bs can go on forever. i can really see now - that taking myself out of his life is the only thing that will stop the madness. i just hate that it will make me feel bad and my life lonely and succkie and not his. well, not that i'll know. well, change that back- i don't think he'll give a rats you know- he'll be glad for one less "complication" in his life. honestly- i'm thinking it.
he said other day he's "relieved" to have his dad gone and not have to run there - oh man- .....
i think honestly- he'll exist without me toooooo long for me to be "there" at the end, if there is one - when he realizes how very much i mean to hm- in his life, and so on.
i do believe it's there- i don't believe he'll know or acknowledge it ever.
okay- thanks for listening to my rant. will endeavor to not talk for rest of my life - (to him) and so on. oh well- another day in paradise huh???
i got a bad feeling you and i are going to have to affirmatively seek alternate mates. this is a icky thought for me- but i like company & companionship- and i cannot see how it will drop in my lap besides working somewhere with alot of people. honestly- are you going to do an online dating thing? ever??? do you contemplate it? have you looked at them.
i've always swore i wouldn't- but i' m looking at my mother and two divorced sisters- and i'd like a bit more thanks.
not that i'm criticizing them- i'm just NOT THEM.
TA DA- SO MUCH FOR ME AND PRINCIPLeS HUH? this afternoon should be a real pleasure around here. hope he stays away all day- i'm sure he will- playing with his "real friends".
