But here is the cold harsh truth: as long as she has a third party in this M, she will not be ready to reconcile to being a faithful W to you. A woman can have sex with multiple partners all day long, but she will not be in love with two men at the same time. She may still care about you, but she does not feel "in love" with you......and won't as long as she wants this OM in any part of her life.
The OM could be sent to the moon and it would not get him out of her head. There is nothing you can do to control her thoughts. And the more you try to contact her, the more disgust she will have toward you. Is that what you want?
I journal alot about my day to day stuff on here, alot D3 and alot of my physical and mental changes.
I do so because W is w/ another Man. I have no control over their R and the ONLY steps forward are in me and involve 100% ME.
I am the one in the position to make a final decision. D3 is worthy of the extra work
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
I am the one in the position to make a final decision. D3 is worthy of the extra work
No doubt!!!!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
"WHAT THE HELL COULD I HAVE DONE TO DESERVE THIS!!!!!!!"
Tears were streaming down my face as Im screaming this in my car this morning on my way to work.
I had just dropped off D3 at MIL house where W will have her for the next three days.
D3 would not let me go- I told her Mommy would be picking her up tonight..........I had to push my daughter away several times to walk out that door.
I can detach from my wife, im doing a good job with that. I can not detach from being a full time parent.
Nor should I have too!
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
((((((((((((Spin))))))))))))) You are right. It's not fair the stress that's placed on your relationsip with D3. It's just not. But you are doing a really good job with her. I'm a LBKid from my parents D. And from this daughter's point of view you are an outstanding father. I speak from experience.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
I really appreciate those words. Im just sooooo hung up on "Its not fair!!!"
and THIS is the piece I cant move on from. What is success in this area of my life? Calloused feelings towards my child? Feeling less pain when I "hand her over?".
Im sitting here analyzing what was the trigger this time. Was it that she wouldnt let go?
and here I am crying in my office again
Again, thank you RT and everyone else for hanging with me
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
PS, I know this is really difficult, seeing our kids in pain also causes us pain. But separation anxiety is common at that age no matter the circumstances of the parents. I can remember dropping my 3yo S off at preschool and I would sit and read a book for awhile to ease the transition but he'd cry, I'd try not to cry, I'd get in my car and cry. Get to work, call and see how he was "Oh the minute you left he started playing, he's good." Talk to other preschool parents, I'm sure many have similar stories.
So while your M sitch might intensify some of those feelings in your D, you would still be needed to help her make transitions.
So how can you help her navigate through this? And remember, just like we feel our children's feelings, they also feel ours. How can you help you D with these transitions? Can you have a routine built around dropping her off? What words will you use to prepare her for drop-off? How will you control the intensity of your feelings so she's not so affected by them?
This is hard stuff, but worth it.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It was recommended that I tell her about the plans of the day.Where she is going, who is picking her up and any other details so that she never feels "abandoned".
This is the first water works in a few weeks.
One question I do have. W calls every night to say goodnight to D3. The call is always a failure because D3 will never speak to her and then she is in a tailspin for 15+ mins after....
I do not try calling to say goodnight. It does not appear to be any kind of benefit to her. Thoughts?
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Why do you define the call as a failure? Failure for who?
Think about building a routine around the drop-off at Gma's. Sit and talk for 5 minutes before you leave, sing the same silly song in the car every time, 3 Little Birds by Bob Marley is a great one. When you get there have a little special rhyme you repeat letting her know you'll be thinking of her and you'll be back soon.
Kids have very little control so they like repetition and routine.
Be creative.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Just wanted to reiterate what a great time I had w you and ruby in Boston!!! So much fun and great GALing, too!! And, thank you sister for being such an awesome tour guide!
Regarding your separation from D3 at drop off...labug has some great ideas/advice. Keep it as upbeat as possible. Maybe have a special cuddle friend/stuffed animal that helps her during that particular transition time. Don't make the drop off a long, drawn-out process though. That will just make it more difficult for both of you. And, more time for emotions to escalate!
Can you Facetime your daughter or Skype her at a certain time so she has something to look forward to and can see you face to face...I know, modern technology! LOL!
What about a little memory photo book (one that just fits 4x6 pictures) that are just of you and her and that you can add to every so often & she gets it at drop off time?
Who are the good-night calls for? Wife? I would stop them if D3 is not interested in talking to her mom. It does noone any good, esp D3 if it escalates her right before bedtime.
Hang in there, my friend! You are awesome and don't worry that your W may not be noticing this right now. Her loss!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
W does not notice anything accept anything that can get her more angry with me............
Just returned from a c session with my W regarding progress with D3. When we agreed that D3 is doing wonderful and W is just now developing a bond with her now that she has alone time with her at her apartment.
"But it will all change if I have to move back in Oct if the house isnt sold.".....she says. "Its obvious that you dont want the house sold. Its YOUR fault the house isnt sold and it will be your fault when I have to move back and confuse D3."
M-Im sorry that I have not been able to get everything done. Ive been trying..........
W- I told you that I would take D3 more so that you could get that stuff done.........
Me- THATS my problem! Im not going to give up my time with D3 to do the crap YOU want done. I have been working on this list on your days.
C- W, what are you doing about these things you say need to be done?
W- Well ive offered to pay someone to do them....
C- W. If you wanted them done and its not done fast enough for you why didnt you call someone to do it. Its pretty dumb stuff. and your being very hard on him.....
W. I just dont understand why its not done........
Anyway.......I learned that I immediately blame myself, make myself the failure and zone out to try to stop the pain. TODAY, I learned that we should have created a list of all the tasks and had dates on it where If the task is not done a pro gets the call to do it.
It actually felt like the type of MC session we should have had before she decided to run. We actually left speaking with each other.
Next meeting is in October. Im busy finding a way to ensure she does not step foot in the house come October if the OM or ANY OM still exists. I will not put myself thru that again. I dont deserve that.
Im going back to Boston!!!!!!!!!
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
