Wowza!!!! Remember, RT, stand firm on your boundaries. Don't get all Gumby leggy on us! You've got this, sweetie.
If W needs to move out of AP's place, then she can go to her brother's. She needs to get the AP out of her system first and there will be several bumps on that road ahead. Withdrawal is not a fun ride at all.
You might consider no contact for your own sanity at the moment. She's clearly flailing around and it's all too easy to get sucked in. She's got a ways to go before she's back to being a sane partner. I think it's worth holding out for.
SD, You are so right. I know that she is a “runner.” She ran from herself into an affair. She ran from me to AP. Now she wants to run from AP to me. I think NC for a week or so is a good idea too.
Originally Posted By: Valeska19
If you need time off, then take it. Don't let her craziness pressure you into any decision.
You are worth more than what she is giving. That doesn't mean you should proceed with the Divorce.. but you should go ahead and create your wants and goals for a marriage. Not just her, but ANY person.
If she truly wants the marriage, she will commit to working towards those goals with you. If she's doesn't - you will know where she stands.
But right now - she doesn't know what she wants. Continue to give her the space to figure it out.
Thx Val. I have been thinking about my goals for relationships lately. They have been on the forefront of my thoughts. I need some space myself. To think. Right now I just keep thinking… “Words. It’s all just words.”
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Wowza!!!! Remember, RT, stand firm on your boundaries. Don't get all Gumby leggy on us! You've got this, sweetie.
If W needs to move out of AP's place, then she can go to her brother's. She needs to get the AP out of her system first and there will be several bumps on that road ahead. Withdrawal is not a fun ride at all.
Gumby! freaking fantastic! I’m processing at light speed in my head right now. I keep swatting the “What if’s” away and reciting the WHAT IS! I absolutely agree. She needs to go to her brother’s if she leaves AP. That is a definite boundary for me right now. It’s as far into the future as I will allow myself to go as it pertains to her.
I love you GAL’s! (look at that double meaning hilarious pun!) I’m focused. Thank the Lord I have a therapy appt tomorrow morning!
Is it weird that I feel sorry for her?
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
You cant recommend or suggest anything-she needs to find her way
Ideally, she finds her own place, finds out who she is and what she wants then - IF YOU WANT- maybe you could date.
She needs to be alone and step back from her mess without any influence from you. Thats what would rebuild her strength.
Keep posting and buckle yourself in
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
The ABSOLUTE biggest idiot in the world. My W's AP. Ummmmmm.... I just got a text message from her.
AP: Can we talk?
I ignored it. But then I didn't. My insides were FUMING! How dare she contact me! I responded... (I know, I know.)
M: Why? I have nothing to say to you.
AP: OK
OMG! OMG! OMG! I took a hot shower to calm down. Then I took a hot bath. Now I'm posting. The nerve!!! Who knows what she wanted. Obviously things are not green in yonder pasture. Everything you say to an AP can and will be used against you when repeated back to you WAS.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
RT!! I was listening to Pema Chodron and her meditation bit. I really liked the advice she gave She basically said everyone has thoughts and this business of trying to empty your mind is nuts, no one can do that. Instead, you acknowledge in a gentle voice, because first you must be kind to you, that you are thinking and you push it away.
She gave the image of pushing a soap bubble with a feather, so gentle and kind. Then focus on the outbreath and the now. It's been working for me, if you want to give it a shot.
Barring that, some friends and I are working on the whack a spouse game. I am sure we can make a whack an AP version....
Thanks friends. I am ok. I'm kind of surprising myself. Here I am faced with more drama and cake-eating and I am detached from it. I'm proud of myself.
SO, because it's just too Lifetime Movie of the Week not to share... I got an email from AP last night. She titled it:
"Her reasoning for emailing you." (Catchy right! lololol!) We'll get to that in a minute.
From what I pieced together from W's tearful call... W and AP fighting all day. W calls me and emails me love, etc., etc., W leaves the house to run an errand and doesn't want to go back so she calls AP and says she's going for a beer. AP gets angry. W says, "well then just pack my sh*t and I'll be gone".
W returns after beer. Woman who owns house they mooch in has ladies over for a get together. AP walks up to W, hugs her, kisses her and says she is going out and leaves. Minutes later, woman who owns house gives W a card. A Dear John Letter. AP is ending it and not coming back until W has left. AP then tried to talk to me via text (we all remember that.)
It seems AP snooped and found W's email to me earlier in the day about her "mistake... wanting to put family back together."
Do we need an intermission? Whew!
W freaks out and emails AP. (Which AP forwards to me with her own email)
LOLOLOLOL!!!!! It's a nail biter!
W's email to AP who Dear John'd her: Please don't leave like this...come back let's talk... I only told RT those things so that I would have a landing if I needed it... I'm stuck in this house... I need you... If you ever loved me come back... We can't be finished... I'm begging you.
AP's email to me with the above email attached: (such a trusting healthy relationship they have isn't it?) "She says she hasn't spoke to you about coming there and that she swears she would rather be alone than go back to you. I'm over all the bullsh*t and have been. I told her to stay the last time she was there. (lie. I saw the emails of her demanding my W leave... W showed me.) She begged and pleaded the entire time for me not to let go. I just want to move on with or without her. We are never going to get any peace if she is able to keep lying and convince us that she is lying to the other. So what's the truth RT? Out of all the lies, I just want a small bit of honesty. If you can... Thanks."
Hilarious!!!! I of course... did not respond and will not. She wants ME to give her peace and honesty!
Ok... so all this and I am still Ok. My work has been paying off.
Cut to W's crying phone call. She knows I have seen the email because AP sent her the email she forwarded me as a slap in the face. (I can't believe these women are 48 and 44 years old... God don't let me go nuts after 40!) W tells me that the only reason she sent the email to AP denouncing her email to me was because she was stranded and she really didn't want it to end that way. It was brutal.
I said: "That sounds very dramatic. It must have been very hard for you."
W: I love you. I'm sorry. Move on with your life. I'm no good.
M: From your phonecalls and emails to both of us it seems you are very confused. That must be really difficult to navigate."
W: I deserve it. I deserve everything I'm getting. Get some sleep. I'm so sorry. I'm not going to hurt you anymore.
M: I'm ok. I'm not hurt. Just take care of yourself.
W: I'll call you tomorrow?
M: Good night. Get some rest.
And.... End Scene.
I snuggled into bed, thankful that I was strong, thankful that I was alone, and I slept really well.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Oh! And by the way... I am not going to initiate contact at this point and I am not going to be readily available when she initiates (which I fully expect.) Everyone is right. She's not healthy, not sane at the moment, not ready for any kind of R.
It's a trainwreck. I feel sorry for her. But she's GOT to do this alone.
I have an IC session before lunch. Maybe I'll bring movie popcorn for my therapist.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Cant wait for next act.......he says while munching on his popcorn
I told you to buckle your seatbelt- Dont be the car that gets into the accident because you were distracted by looking at her wreck.
MUST KEEP MOVING FORWARD
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Remember, RT, stand firm on your boundaries. Don't get all Gumby leggy on us! You've got this, sweetie. 
freaking fantastic! I’m processing at light speed in my head right now. I keep swatting the “What if’s” away and reciting the WHAT IS! I absolutely agree. She needs to go to her brother’s if she leaves AP. That is a definite boundary for me right now. It’s as far into the future as I will allow myself to go as it pertains to her.