W: maybe call me sometime instead of texting, then i don't need to read into your texts. You always try to find something wrong with me every time you text. So i guess, what has gotten into you?
M: Why are you interpreting my texts as me finding something wrong with you? This entire time i have shouldered the blame for most of this, but i was willing to work things out with you. Please stop turning everything i say around. Justify things however you want, but i have had to make changes for myself and this is the new me. I have no reason to argue with you anymore. I am no longer angry or scared. If you want to talk things over when you get here, let me know. I am more than willing. I refuse to start arguing with you so that you can tell everyone what a jerk i am. I busted my nuts for you trying to get the house done, i wasn't a perfect husband, i didn't treat you right all the time, but i didn't know what you needed me to do. Its not your fault, but i would have liked a chance to do better.
That reads really passive/ aggressive to me and is also the opposite of validating her feelings and emotions. This would have been a more appropriate response:
I can tell I've upset you, I'm sorry. You're right, something always seems to get lost in the translation in texting. I'll call you shortly so we can discuss this.
Your W is expressing her feelings in the above. What you need to realize is she doesn't want you to agree/ disagree/ explain/ justify/ etc. She just wants you to seek to understand her feelings. If you acknowledge her feelings then the situation quickly defuses.
M: Yes, those were issues. I wish i would have handled things differently with you because maybe things could have been different. You always meant the world to me, i never cared as deeply for anyone as i cared for you. But now i have been forced to re think everything i ever though about marriage. I guess that means i need to go in a different direction. I would love to have the chance to talk to you sometime in the future, but things are different now.
I understand you're post-D, but DB'ing is a lifelong process. You should practice DB'ing with all the women in your life, even your XW. Part of this is being a great LISTENER. She doesn't care about your feelings on M and she doesn't believe hollow words about what you should have done differently. She wants you to listen to her and really hear. Validate her feelings. Also don't tell her what you should have done differently, or how different you are now, etc. Just SHOW her your differences. WAS's don't believe words, they only believe consistent, long-term actions.
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She mentioned that she is going to get a seperate phone for the kids to call me because i never answer when they try to get ahold of me.
Is this true? If so, are you doing this as part of going dark? Going dark doesn't mean ignore your spouse. It just means not to initiate contact. If they contact you it's fine to answer, especially when kids are involved.
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i then proceeded to give the top of her head a quick rub and tell her goodbye.
I don't understand that gesture, sounds like petting a dog?
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Can someone help me pick this apart a bit? I am not sure post D exactly how i am supposed to react to her anymore.
You don't react to her. You live your life and let her live hers. Treat her with respect and dignity. Don't make demands of her, work things out with her. I don't think you're being unreasonable in asking her to drive to your place to pick up the kids if you have to drive to hers to get them, but I think you could have negotiated it instead of presenting it as a demand.
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I am now fighting the urge to call her tonight and ask her if she wants to meet for dinner to discuss anything regarding the kids or our jobs.
