Husband Threatened to Leave, Don't know what to do

[Lll54]

...perfect timing relating to the ages the boys are at and with him takin reffing on as an endevour as well.

[TrentC]

I was rereading your previous thread and I definitely see the same issues cropping up again.

The fear of abandonment pushes you to examine EVERYTHING that he says and does, and it never got you anywhere. He has a good day and you feel optimistic, then he has a bad day and you are crushed. As bad as his behavior has been recently, it's nothing compared to the torture you are putting yourself through. You continue to decide what his comments, actions, and even GESTURES "really" mean; it's horribly codependent and manipulative.

Look back at what has happened in the past three years; you hit this rough patch last time for many of the same reasons, behaved the same way as now, and it wasn't until you stopped that things eventually got better. But it sounds like that things ended up backsliding and now he surprises you with another bomb drop. And it shouldn't really be a surprise, because you said that you kept ignoring his complaints about lack of physical affection. So you deny him something that you acknowledge you know is important to him, then you're surprised when he considers leaving again?

So, consider the past three years a trial run.

You now know that not only do you have to make real 180s (and I'm not talking about the physical intimacy, I'm also talking about the fear of abandonment and codependency issues) but you have to make them stick. It's not fair to anyone—not him, not you, and not your kids—to have to go through this. And it's going to take more work this time, because you've shown him that the changes last time were only to get him to stay; that may not have been your intent, but that was the result.

[TrentC]

I reread my post and it sounded like I was accusing you of doing that to make your husband want to leave.

I'm sorry; that wasn't my intent.

What I meant was, it was the same type of thing that led to his desire to leave last time, so it's not surprising to me that when the problem starts again, he returns to the only thing that seemed to snap you out of it the last time.

I was trying to read through your thread to find out what the deal was with the women that you said was causing trouble last time; whether she turned out to be an OW or not. I remember that some of his co-workers were basically covering for him as well.

I know you are certain that he isn't cheating, but probably every one of us here was certain that their spouse would never be unfaithful right up until they find evidence to the contrary. I know I was.

That's pretty much the reason infidelity is so damaging; that sudden loss of trust and faith in our spouse hurts us in ways we don't expect. I don't want you to obsess over that, or go snooping or anything. I just hope that if it turns out there is another woman that it's not devastating, and that you have a plan for how to deal with it if it does.

[KenF]

"If he just has things on his mind why wont he talk to me about them?"

I think some people like to talk about things as a way to help them work their way through it,
while other people like to talk about things after they've worked through it.

having an issue and needing help may be seen as a weakness,
having worked through an issue on ones own may be seen as a strength.

[Lll54]

No problem Trent. I know what you are saying. I'm trying as hard as possible to GAL. And not backslide into my own ways. I was a little guilty this week of sticking around he house when he was here to help myself read his actions and words and give myself hope. Not very smart. But yesterday I left the house all day with the kids and when i got home he was in a great mood and grabbed me a kissed me like the old days....and he was happy. He got a few errands done around the house and worked out and he had a sense of happiness in him. Most I have seen in a week.

Today has been ok so far. We leave for our holiday today. He had to run out for a minute and he came and found me in the boys bedroom and gave me a kiss and said he would be back shortly. Feels like he is coming back to me. I'm trying to stay optimistic. He did say he had a other horrible sleep...which I'm trying not to analyze. And hope he just needs some days off with his family to brighten him up.

J

'
I think some people like to talk about things as a way to help them work their way through it,
while other people like to talk about things after they've worked through it.

having an issue and needing help may be seen as a weakness,
having worked through an issue on ones own may be seen as a strength.

Thanks KenF...I feel like you hit the nail on the head. And I already knew the answer to this question because i know my H and how he deals with things. This shouldn't be a surprise to me. I guess I feel like our communication skills since our last split have gotten so much better and to a place I thought maybe he would talk to me now about this...but maybe not.

I'm feeling like day by day I'm getting a little more from him. More affection, more initiation on his part etc. I don't think "leaving" per say is on his mind at the time. My middle boy asked if we can watch him ref this winter and he said of course. He will get is tickets and we can all come watch him all winter....an up in the air WAS wouldn't talk like this would they?

[KenF]

If this is the way he deals with issues, then your best course of action may be to just give him the time and space to work it out.

prying, questioning, pushing, forcing your way into his process will work against you.

i say this because this is how i am. when i am in my process of dealing with my issues, and someone tries to force their involvement, it is extremely grating and irritating.

so at the most, let him know you support him and you're there for him. and then just be quietly supportive. if he needs you he knows where to find you.

[chl0901]

Hi there, I hope everything is going okay. Stopped by to check on you.

[chl0901]

I just saw you are on holiday/vacation. Hope you are having a nice time!

[Lll54]

Thanks for checking in. Holidays went amazing
We had the best time and it hasn't subsided. H is initiating again on a regular basis and seems to be way happier! Not sure if a family weekend away helped or what happened. I feel like my changes are definitely becoming permanent. It's starting to be very natural to me. H is very busy right now with training for his new reffing career as well as working his main career so he isn't going to be home much in the next few weeks:( I think I resent him and being away so much so in trying really hard not to show it. I am still working hard...and still not feeling perfect about things...but I suppose that takes time?!

[chl0901]

Glad y'all had a nice time! I can't imagine any of us here feeling perfect about things for a long time. Keep up with your 180s and GALs and your PMA.