just checkin in. hope all is okey-dokey in dawnland. it's sure an up and down thing with your H.
as usual- i'd take a "sign" any sign - a show of life "in there". an indication (of whatever wacky sort) that there was something going on in his head and heart - anything at all.
at least you know your h is in there som ewhere- or at least that a "person" is in there. if he can feel pain & confusion- he's still alive i reckon.
what i get is nada. i know it's better than a load of "bad" - it's not better than signs of communication - of anything- JUST WHAT'S INSIDE HIM.
YA KN OW- THIS BUSINESS OF THE JOB AND EA AT same time. it's occurs to me that somehow- my whole THING here is tied up with my h and his mlc- but also with my mother. she's so like him in mny ways- or he's so like her- somehow it is all bunched up together. i can't disentangle them. maybe somehow it's like that with your H - the job- location- her- etc. - IT'S ALLLL become so intrtwangled - the only ting he can think of is getting "free of IT " AND that is what came to mind. ditch it all- everything about it- all associations, etc.
i personally- frequently fantacize about running away (AND IT'S ALWAYS FROM BOTH OF THEM AND THEIR SITCHS AND THE INsanity they produce in me- WHATEVER THE HELL it is they want from me- it's becoming TOOOOO MUCH. I FEEL like they're hanging on my ankles and i'm trying to run away from smeting dangerous. hard to do with two huge honkers hanging on to you.
just my THOUGHT DU JOUR - if it's all tangled up together- it's still a gesture on his part - trying to shed it. maybe huh??
mostly i'm perfectly sane i think - so who knows how these giant emotional burdens get linked in such a desperate way? i feel desperate sometimes (lack of sleep usually_ ) but it's big and it's real. i'd like out of that all if i could figure out how realistically. (but- i also realize i'm lonely all alone and might miss either of them if they died tomorrow) it's never easy- hey- maybe i'm a spirit-mate of your h? wanting to quit a bad addiction that is hurting me- but still hard to let go of?
EVEN A KNOCK down - drag out- would leave me feeling like we evern "touched base "with ECH other - rather than just superfically floating along- nothing going deeper than the surface.
i'm not hardly believing anymore there is anything inside this guy. and i thnk of him once - a few years ago - saying I have no PASSION. CRIPES - I HAVE SOM UCH I'M SCREAMING AND YUELLING EVERY DAY ABOUT SOCIAL injustice, loads of causes, loads of people i know who need a friend- support- etc.
i got nothin but - i think sometimes. i'd like some neutrality and ability to not have emotional waves crashing out of me constantly-
go figure- maybe i don't know what the word means - "passion".
now- i think it must mean desire to jump his bones and be bold and obvious about it. hard to want to when you're gttin NOTIONG in return in life in general- well, let me alter that to noting but BAD TREATMENT AND JUNK day to day.
