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She has contacted me more since she has been married than she did before.

I find myself slipping again and starting to believe all of her lies and spew.

The question is:

If she is going to continue to do this, how do I handle these calls?
Does that surprise you? As she is putting herself back together, I would think it would be easier to "fix" somebody else than to look at one's own issues and deal with them. Mine did the same, Tad. Almost exactly the same. I handle it by being nice, cordial and telling her I have no reason to talk to her. I sometimes just tell her "talking to her isn't going to work for me" or whatever hair-brained idea she comes up with, "just won't work for me". I keep it brief, I don't accuse, I don't accept accusations, and I don't let the conversation continue. Period.

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I sometimes get the feeling that she really does want to be my friend. The problem now is: I'm not sure what I want.
I think you do know what you want, Tad. I think you want the mess to stop. I think you want her to leave you alone. I think you want an apology for how she wronged you. Am I right? I don't get the sense you want to be friends with somebody who treats you like that, but you would prefer she stop treating you like this. Am I still right? smile



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XW - She has been married for about 6 weeks. She has contacted me more since she has been married than she did before. WTF? She also can't seem to keep her nose out of my family's business. I've also realized lately what a mess she really is. She has said numerous times that she is not the bad guy here. Everytime we do talk, I have to hear that she KNOWS she made the right choice and she has to give me a reason why she did what she did. The funny thing is, it is almost a different reason every time. Hell, when she first left, it was because I never took her to the right grocery store. Then, it became because she was unhappy for 5, 10, 12 or 15 years depending on her mood. Now, it is because I supposedly cheated on her.
Are you sure we didn't marry the same woman? I swear we did smile Food for thought - when was the last time you heard a happy person tell you how happy they are? Or somebody who is sure of their decisions go out of their way to tell you how they made the right decision? Something to consider...

I was accused of the same Tad. Many times. Why? Haven't a f'n clue. But if I had to guess, it's because it helps her feel better about herself. It allows her to feel like she can be happy without the guilt of what she's done. I suspect that is all sooooo buried that it's not a conscious thought. i.e. not malicious per se. But the more I refuse to talk to her or play her games, the quieter she gets. It was getting ridiculous until I told her and her husband to stop harassing me. I followed the rules above. I didn't even read her response, Tad. I just am not interested.

If you can't step back and look at the situation and realize now, that it was never about you, then it's going to be a tough road. Are you going to get angry still? Of course. But then you'll have to look at what you're angry at - and it's hard to be angry at anything other than the situation or annoyed at her trying to be part of your life still. It's more annoyance than anger, right? The anger is...different.

The feelings? Seems natural to me. I have the same. Sometimes I want to date, and sometimes I really just don't care to. You're not alone in those feelings. I completely relate.

In the end, I flat out refuse to let anyone take away my happiness. I refuse to let anyone be that source to the extent it shakes me if something happens to them or it doesn't work out. Not that I wouldn't be sad (that's happened a few times already although I left them), but I'll be fine. Make sense?

I'm not sorry my ex is gone Tad. I've been frustrated that she won't stay gone at times, but even that is getting to the point I don't really care any longer. A little perhaps. But it all takes time to work through the emotions and come to terms with the reality. That is more difficult when the ex won't leave you alone. And there's no reason you can't make her leave you alone i.e. stop taking her calls. Don't fall for the voiemails. Don't fall for the drama more than once wink

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I've actually thought that she has been trying to convince herself of a lot of things since this whole mess started. If you tell yourself something enough don't you start to believe it? Then maybe she really does believe that I was so terrible.
If she believed it Tad, she wouldn't have a need to tell you about it. Believe me, that's not how somebody who follows their beliefs talks or acts. She's done enough damage at this point, that she needs to find a reason to help her believe it. Accusing you seems to be it for now. i.e. "if he cheated, then I'm justified. What? No I never said I never loved him. I never said it was because he didn't take me to my favorite store. That's crazy talk.""

There's always more to discuss, but my fingers are tired. I think you see the idea and more importantly, it's not just you, Tad. It's not. And you also see that to face all the pain takes time. It does not magically go away. You have to work at it and you have to get her to stop interfering. It goes faster that way. Trust me on that.

It gets better if you make it get better, Tad. Takes time and effort, but it gets soooooo much better.

Peace,
AJ


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK
Put the glass down...
"Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."