Hey, Portia. I’ve read your updates, then went for a walk with my dog and kept thinking about your news. I understand your anxiety about this text exchange and your worries about some “news” that you might not want to know. It is hard to gauge what is going on in his hear and why he contacted you. My first thought was that he would not contact you if there were some developments with GF, or a new interest. After not communicating with you for a few months, why all of a sudden he would want to share the news about himself if everything would be good in his life? These “lots of changes” could mean anything. The good thing is that he wanted to share his life with you, even just in generic terms. It means that he could not get you out of his mind.
I think you are doing the right thing by replying in a generic way. Be positive, happy and upbeat. It would be great if you could insert some mystery in your replies. But, by all means, protect your feelings, don’t have expectations. He might be just testing the waters to see if there is still any connection. You just don’t know. Take it slowly. I’m thinking of you and keep my fingers crossed.
Thanks for posting on my thread. Your advice is always good and strait to the point. I guess it might be easier for us to see other people’s sitches. We just need to learn to apply the same advice to our own. I find some similarities in our situations (some WAS behavior), so I will keep watching the developments in your story very closely.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I wouldn't ask any questions right now, especially personal ones that could seem like you're probing about OW. That you don't care all that much and are doing quite fine can be your mystery.
I like the idea of telling him about the exciting things in YOUR life.
I WOULD absolutely keep the light and friendly back and forth going though. Ya gotta scratch off a lot of tickets, and get plenty of scrappy little $2 winners before you hit the big one.
I'm gonna buy me a ticket!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Portia, I agree w/FY...do not ask questions...listen! The more you listen, the more he will open up and tell you about the changes, etc. in his life. Keep the conversations light and fun. By all means, you can tell him about some of the fun things in your life...but stay the course and listen and appear interested when he tells you things about his life. His ego is one that is bigger than the $2 ticket!
Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Portia... I agree with RL. I too would answer with "like what??"... although, that might be not the right approach. Very strange of him to contact you, he must really want to share the news. Maybe hold tight and see what he wants you to know.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Portia, Yes! I agree wholeheartedly with slipping in a few tidbits about what YOU'VE been up to. Let him take the lead in the convo. but keep it going for as long as HE is willing. Let him have the last word if you can or tell him that you have company coming or whatever seems mysterious.
Snodderly, too funny! The comment on his ego. It's funny how inflated egos get when they are on their journey. I've seen it more on this forum than I would have expected.
kml, You're absolutely right on. "Good things" is all a matter of perspective, HIS. I want to slip in here that, as late as last week my h is still asking me if I know where the mysterious roses came from. The last time he brought it up he even suggested that they might have been for him! Talk about ego! I told him that was possible but that the box that they were delivered in had MY name on it.
Fy, if you win big we're all coming to your city/town for a party!!!
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Thank you sooo much for your replies! Bright you are absolutely right when you say that others can sometimes see our sitches better than we can.
I didn't realize how much his words had hurt me or made me spin. ALL the changes are good? Then where does the ignoring my texts and not speaking to me for months come in? I felt a real anger and wanted to text him that reply. Did he even realize what he said?
So I have not responded. And truthfully I am still debating if I will. In RL's words I am not interested in picking off the scab. I won't be asking about the changes if I do. Sorry, KML and MM but I feel if he wants to tell me something important to him he needs to tell me. Perversely, I know he wants me to ask but I am not making this easy. I would sure like to think that he would not contact me after all this time to tell me he is getting married, etc. but since he felt he did nothing wrong I wouldn't bet my $2 on it.
I no longer have a fear of losing him. For the last four months I already did and I was getting stronger. My fear is for me now. I don't want to go backwards. But as you all pointed out, I don't know what changes he is referring to. I was just more angry at the fact that he could say all was good when I haven't been in his life. I told MM that I don't want to be a word tracker and here I am.
On the positive side he did write that he had been tracking the weather in my hometown which is something he always used to do pre BD. I am not reading anything into that in terms of where he is at but if that is true then he was thinking of me a little.
Thank you everyone for all of your posts. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you all. I will keep you posted!
Fy, if you win big we're all coming to your city/town for a party!!!
LOL! ... OK, deal!
Portia, if you weren't trying to read into his words then I'd know you were done. But you are angry with him and wanting to protect your heart. That's great! Don't respond unless it feels right and you're ready (as anyone can be) for any, or no, reply. If he wants you back he'll have to woo you, and that'll take time. Just relax, continue to guard your heart and let things play out.
I'm betting a $2 scratch off he'll be back in touch either way.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Yes, it does sound like he's begging for you to ask him what's going on.
Maybe you can just reply with a "that's good" or "glad you're doing well".
That way you acknowledge his message, but don't appear overly eager.
My h would do that by text every once in a while. Eventually, when he realized that I wasn't going to come out and ask him, he'd just come out with what he wanted me to know.
M36 XH34 M-5 T7 4/11 H confused 5/11 ILYB 6/11 OW discovered 7/11 I move out, OW over 5/12-OW2,done->new EA, but H wont file 9/12 H "best bf ever" to EA/OW3 3/13 H/OW break up H files 4/13 D 6/18/13
If at all you do decide to go ahead with replying would go along with FY's advice as from my experience too its always about them...
The other day H accepts a social invitation only because he is repeatedly told to him that he has to be there and that there is no way he can avoid coming there..
So the decision to go did not stem from the fact that it would make the inviter happy and that it was a big day for him , it was accepted only because H was made to feel important and that his presence was critical..Arrrgh..my 2 cents
Take care ,
hoper me-40,H41 M-15 S-6 Looks like MLC,living together
