wife hardends heart-2

[planet]

They are still talking about our D. While W vents to her mom. All those misunderstandings, events occurred were only from her perspective.
The feeling of unfairness crops up. I am unable to share my story. This will makes things worse. I could only stand by while keeping quiet and knowing many things from my side will not see the light of the day.
I know i have faults and i recognize them now. This is hard. This is tiring. I wished I would have woken up much much earlier.

[PatientMan]

Threaten to commit suicide if i were to take my kids back to my parents.

She threatens to commit suicide if your children visit their grandparents? Either she needs extreme help so she doesn't do something terrible like take her own life, or she is being overly dramatic and manipulative to force guilt onto YOU for HER problems.

-PM

[planet]

I think growing up, she's this headstrong person which to her family she will do anything she says just to prove her point. Her family believes her threats.
I believe it too. She can be very extreme. Threaten to commit suicide is the first time. It can be due to her anger at the moment. I'm not so sure she will actually do it.
She always thinks she's right. She never blames herself. In fact, she rarely apologizes to me which is one of the things that hurts me the most.
To put things into perspective, my mom and sis said and did things that really hurt her feelings. My inaction made it worse. She is hurting badly and this is not tantrum throwing. I saw it as trivial but not to her. I understand it now.

[planet]

Re-read my earlier posts, I have actually made W sound like she does nothing at home.
That is not true.
She cooks for me and the kids everyday before the bomb. Now she doesn't cook that much and relies on the nanny to do so.
Before we have a domestic help, she also washes the dishes which she don't like but still do it. I help out but mainly on the kids.
She used to spend her weekends at home with me and the kids. She tries not to have any appointments. She really tried to make this marriage work.
Only if I had woken up earlier.

[planet]

Consult two separate Ls.

In Malaysian Law, custodianship is awarded to one parent and it favours the mother. Even its contested, mothers usually wins unless proof is shown that the mother is incapable to care.
There is no provision for joint custody. The other spouse can have access to the children but with reasonable notification.

[newman7977]

Consult two separate Ls.

In Malaysian Law, custodianship is awarded to one parent and it favours the mother. Even its contested, mothers usually wins unless proof is shown that the mother is incapable to care.
There is no provision for joint custody. The other spouse can have access to the children but with reasonable notification.

^^^wow ok. Looks like the law is in her favor too. Well just make sure you are there for the kids planet, get the most of what you can since you have "unrestricted visitation". What is "reasonable notification", atleast 24hrs notice?

This is a hardline approach. That's pushing her further away. Doesn't look like i'm gaining any respect. Sounds like an insecure and controlling H. Kindly put me into the right perspective if i'm wrong.

It is up you planet, the choice is always yours and only you know what approach you will apply on your sitch. This is just my POV, because that's what helps me cope in my sitch. This is what I value and respect and to me staying in a M while an A is going on is unacceptable. I absolutely disagree that it is controlling because my W has a choice, she can pursue the A if she choose to I'm just not going to be a part of it. She can either respect that or not. So going back to you what do you value? Are you prepared to stand up for them regardless of what your W's reactions might be? You don't have to answer me, the answers are for you planet and it might take some time for some soul searching.

Keep venting/posting here.

Good luck to you planet.

Newman

[planet]

^^^wow ok. Looks like the law is in her favor too. Well just make sure you are there for the kids planet, get the most of what you can since you have "unrestricted visitation". What is "reasonable notification", at least 24hrs notice?

it's whats recommended by my L.
But absolutely not written in stone. Have to be reasonable unless stated in the agreement which are none.

[lost_hope]

So planet under Malaysian law if your wife gets custody and you have access, would you have the right to take them to see your parents? Unless your parents are cruel to your kids, I don't see how it's fair of her to prevent your kids from seeing them. This whole threatening suicide thing is either manipulative (if she has no intention of doing so) or downright scary and super extreme (if she is even contemplating that).


We ALL have our faults so don't beat yourself up. Your wife is no saint over there with her OM and suicide threats, sorry to say that. But as a W who has to deal with my H always picking others, especially his mom, over me and never standing up for me -- and yes, I do mean "always" and "never" -- it is extremely hurtful for your W to have dealt with. And it does increase the rage and anger that your W might feel, honestly she prob just feel like you're not on her side and never will be. Anyway, I wish you luck in your sitch!

[planet]

We have a verbal agreement that my kids will not be visiting my family any time soon. My family strongly encourages me to accept this arrangement.

Why? (to both statements)

-PM

PatientMan
Took quite awhile for your post to show up.
W hated my mom and sis for what they have inadvertently said or done. My earliest post in another thread of mine best describes what happened but that's just some of her grievance against my family. It's basically her complaint over the course of 4 years and its in the same repeated pattern of bursting anger whenever she spoke of it. My inaction and brushing it off made it worse. To her, i did not put her feelings first and instead defended my family because i find them trivial.
W developed withdrawal behaviour roughly 2 years ago whenever my parents would want weekly visits. I had to make up one excuse or another to my parents. I hated what i've done and months later, my parent did get the hint. W then told me that she didn't want them to visit.
Whenever we have an argument about something, she will always related her grievance against my family. This frustrates me because it always has nothing to do with anything we are arguing about.
The last big argument we had was when i have had enough. I told her to speak directly to my parents. She asked me to gather my brother and sister and their partners as well. I asked why involve others. She replied that she wanted them to witness my family's ill treatment and hypocrisy. She just spoke her mind. Everything was supposedly forgiven that night but I was pretty angry when we got home. What was forgiven was undone.
To sum it up, i managed the situation poorly.
W didn't my kids to have anything to do with my family. She said she can't accept the way she was treated and therefore they do not deserve my kids. I promised her some time for her to heal.
I have spoken to my parents a couple of weeks ago. They understood the situation and were willing to not visit at all to appease her. They said not to force things. I told them i will not agree to that and will determine a period for her to heal. Initially W wanted 3 years but i have put it at 1 year.
W's decision was not made after the bomb but years before.

[planet]

So planet under Malaysian law if your wife gets custody and you have access, would you have the right to take them to see your parents?

Of course. She wants to insert a restriction on my family on the D agreement but the L advised against it as it can't be done. He said the children should have access to their grandparents so they will experience love from all while growing up. My parents love the kids and were never cruel. Even this W cannot dispute.

But as a W who has to deal with my H always picking others, especially his mom, over me and never standing up for me -- and yes, I do mean "always" and "never" -- it is extremely hurtful for your W to have dealt with. And it does increase the rage and anger that your W might feel, honestly she prob just feel like you're not on her side and never will be.

I understand your hurt as well as my W's. I know it now after a long soul searching. I spoke to my family and they agree that they responsible for their part no matter how trivial it may seem to them. I am responsible for my in-actions.