Don't know if it is okay to innitiate intimacy

[workinprogress]

I read the rules. Fortunately I didn't do most of them. We did exchange a lot of e mails in the beginning, which allowed him to vent. I let him and didn't argue. The weekend came and went. He did stand me up. This is a particular pet peeve of mine, and he is well aware of it. He knows what he did, and has not contacted me. I am so angry with myself for allowing him to manipulate me and getting my hopes up.I too, have not contacted him. I have been seeing posts on going dark. I am assuming this means necessary contact only. This is difficult for me, for we are in the car situation, and he is the breadwinner. I'm an empty-nester with no income, AND going to school. VERY hard to concentrate when 32 years just walked out. I am def. a LBS and I believe he is in a MLC but he doesn't fit all the descriptions. You see his father deserted his mother with 5 kids, and he is very sensitive to this. He has been paying the bills, mortgage, and both my D's and my school. I do not know how long he will keep this up. To date no other person, he has reached out to get individual counseling, but hasn't started. He had a lot of anger, but since expressing it and venting he seems more peaceful. He was saying he lost "desire for me, and is afraid it won't come back " . However the weekend before last, his eyes were not saying the same thing. And I got a compliment , which I haven't heard E V E R . He does bring me up when he speaks with the daughters ( 26 and 21 )

This Wednesday he will be going to dinner with our daughter. I am unsure as to be home or not. My gut says to be away. I ordered the Divorce Remedy from amazon. I didn't know it wasn't in the stores anymore. I am flying blind presently and going by my protective instincts. I do not plan on contacting him for anything if I can help it. I also have done 180's, again it was just something I did for me...I haven't said " love you" in months, try to end phone calls first, been reading everything under the sun, moon and stars. I have to admit though, I don't know if I have the patience for this. I feel so angry right now. Moved past most of the guilt and sorrow. I just can't seem to appreciate his " I want it to be about me " statement, behavior, and attitude. Once my daughter gets a car, ( I'm taking hers, and she's getting an inexpensive one ) she'll be in her new apartment. I'm going to be alone in the country and he'll be in the next state over. He's close but still it hurts. My birthday is coming up and that is going to crush me, and then the two holidays, back to back. I'm the one who does all the decorating and cooking. UGH! So confused, overwhelmed, depressed,, and angry.