I have no idea what I'm doing

[Lostinpain]

RT I just read about your situation. It sounds like you are doing good on GAL. I'm very impressed! Just focus on all the good you've done. I don't have much advice to offer, but I'll cheer you on the sidelines.

[RealityTrip]

Thanks Lost... for stopping by and giving support. Much appreciated.

Yesterday was productive. I rearranged my bedroom. I totally flipped furniture around. Now it's my space and not our space. Funny how it just feels different when you do that. I also spent most of the day cataloging all of our property, listed by room, and noted the things I would like to keep with me on a spreadsheet.

I finished our financials and am now completely separate in terms of assests from my SBXW. We still have some debt to settle but everything was packaged nicely on another spreadsheet. I emailed both the property and finacial spreadsheets to her for her review.

It hurts so much. It's just so hard. But I made the decision for myself that I was not going to live in LimboLand anymore. She made her decision. She chose the A. I can't speculate or hold onto that call a week ago that she "thinks she made a mistake." Nothing she says matters at this point. It's what she does... and she is still living with AP.

My sister asked me a few days ago, and so did my therapist, the same question. "What would W have to do for you to get back together?" My answer was easy. "She needs to fight for me as hard as I fought for her this past year."

And I don't see that. She's not even trying. I don't want a divorce. I don't want to lose her. I love her. But at some point I have to really start to look out for me. Do what's in my best interest even if it hurts. In the long run, my self-esteem, my self-worth, my independance, my integrity, my battered heart, they have to be protected and I'm the only one that can do that. Just me and God.

I trust and have faith that although I don't understand why I have to go through all of this that there really is a purpose. So I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, whether I want to or not. And I second guess myself constantly. Asking myself, "Should I wait again?" "Shouls I call her and prclaim undying love to her?" All of those emotions that come along with bargaining when facing a loss.

Wanna know a secret? Deep down, in the part of me that loves her so much, that little hope seed, it wants her to respond to the divorce financials and property division in some grand, romantic gesture to hold us together. To stay married. I know logically that's not going to happen. But I have to acknowledge that the emotion is there. I have to process it so it doesn't sneak up on me from behind and clip my heels setting me into a spin. I have to comfort that part of me.

I'm sad. I miss her so much.

[StubbornDyke]

((((((((RT)))))))

You are doing a great job of keeping your focus where it needs to be. And yes, it's wise to be aware of all those little things that will try to pull you off course and do your processing. Endless processing...

Take care.

[needgrace]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((RT))))))))))))))))))))))
you are so strong... and honest to admit those pesky feelings, better to know they are there than to not admit/recognize them...bc awareness is key to making thoughtful choices... hard as that is, i am still working on it lol.. just take it a day or a moment at a time.. and do what is best for you, RT..

if there is anything i get upset with myself for now, it is for placating/begging/pleading.. not treating myself with respect.

take care RT

[chl0901]

You are doing a great job, RT! And I'm glad you rearranged your place to make it feel new. It's the little things, huh?

Stay strong and keep working on you - it will all pay off in the end and one day you will be happy and feel whole again!

[Positivespin]

She is still very confused and maybe reality is hitting. SOMEBODY has to be a rock and it will be you.

Dont try to figure out her mess. Dont make any sudden decisions that you may regret later.I know youve been dealing with your sitch for awhile . Be 100% certain that you are done and not just pissed.

You deserve happiness- do you know what that looks like for you?

[RealityTrip]

WTH????!!!!???? W called to discuss my emails and a scheduled time we agreed on. Discussion was odd, combative, tainted. She wouldn't answer questions. She repeated things I said. I tried. She was answering questions I didn't ask. It was weird. Then I realized it. She wasn't alone. The conversation was going nowhere. I ended it.

20 minutes later she calls back. I answered. She was crying and said sorry for the first call and that AP had gone to the store. She couldn't talk before. She is miserable. She made a mistake. She knows I won't take her back. She asked me where we stand. AP and she fight every day. I was dumbfounded and just listened. She loves me. She deserves everything she's getting right now... I mean she was just spewing and in the biggest spin. She doesn't know how to get out of it. She hasn't had the talk with AP yet. She's already unpacked and it's going to be difficult to get out of there. but she's going to. It's going to be awkward. She doesn't know what to do. She's been stalling me on the divorce because she doesn't want it. She was talking so fast. Boo-hooing.

Then she abruptly got off the phone. "Ok. Just take whatever you want on that list. Bye"

I take it the AP was back from the store.

Now what? I am just an observer. I am not a participant. That's the only thing that's coming to mind right now.

[RealityTrip]

I just got an email from her. She called me "Sweetie". She said she knows I am confused and wanting to move forward with my life. She knows she made the wrong decision. She "felt it pulling out of the driveway" the day she left. She had something to prove to herself and she has.

She wrote, "I want to put our family back together. It is the reason I have not booked the flight for your birthday with my points yet... I want to book 2!!!! Lots more to say to you. Will write more later."

????????????????????????????????? Breathe. Funky emotions. I am an observer. Actions. Stay the course. I can just sit back and take some time away from the whole thing. Time off. I need time off. Clear my head.

[StubbornDyke]

Good mantra, "I am an observer."

You might consider no contact for your own sanity at the moment. She's clearly flailing around and it's all too easy to get sucked in. She's got a ways to go before she's back to being a sane partner. I think it's worth holding out for.

[Valeska19]

If you need time off, then take it.

Don't let her craziness pressure you into any decision.

You are worth more than what she is giving. That doesn't mean you should proceed with the Divorce.. but you should go ahead and create your wants and goals for a marriage. Not just her, but ANY person.

If she truly wants the marriage, she will commit to working towards those goals with you. If she's doesn't - you will know where she stands.

But right now - she doesn't know what she wants. Continue to give her the space to figure it out.