I think I have been intentionally staying away from the boards lately to try to focus more on life and moving on as best I can. Sometimes I think I start reading other peoples hard times and my heart goes out to them so badly that it takes me back to where I have been…..sadness, bad feelings and all. Plus, there really has not been a ton to update recently. Not a lot of motion, movement or discussion. Just moving along day to day, week to week I think.
First off, the trip with S to San Diego was fantastic. We had the best time – it was truly special and I will always remember it even if he does not. As noted, I hired a photog to do some work for us on the beach and they shots turned out awesome. In fact, the photog liked them so much she put S prominently on her homepage. It was a small thing, but a “proud daddy” moment nonetheless. While we were there we went to SeaWorld, spent time on the beach, hung out on Crystal Pier and watched people fish and surf, had some great meals together, had a picnic at sunset on our balcony that overlooked the ocean……just had a blast. We bonded so well that it was heart-breaking when we had to split up. He cried when I handed him over, and I for sure had tears in my eyes during the drive back home. As I have said before, it is the worst catch 22 ever – the more time you spend with him the more you simply fall in love – and the harder it is to say good-bye when your time is over. It was the best vacation I have had in awhile – I did my best to make it all about him…about us.
Interesting story to note. While we were in the can going from the airport in SD to our hotel, out of nowhere S looks up at me out of the blue and faintly, quietly says “daddy, I miss you when you’re gone and I’m at mommy’s house”. It ripped the heart right out of me to see the look in his eyes when he said that…….it took everything in me to hold back tears. I just gave him a hug and said “thank you for saying that, I miss you too when you’re gone. Maybe one day life will be a little different and we won’t have to miss each other as much”. Those words have stayed with me a lot.
I did hear from XW off and on while we were there….she just wanted to know how he was doing and asked for a picture every now and then. She said she was “grateful” that he was able to have that experience with me.
As for things on the XW front, not too much going on there. We are basically at the 7 week (or so) mark since she left the house for the second time. There has been no hatred, animosity or anger expressed at all and our interactions, though not frequent, are positive and supportive. There have been 1 or 2 times when I have fouled up and simply told her that I miss her and S when they are away….but not too many of those (hey, I am weak at times….mornings are really emotional for me without my old “squad”).
She turned 40 in late July and went to the bay area with S to visit one of her girlfriends. I got her a small gift and a card from me and one from S – she got me an AMAZINGLY nice present for my 40th when she was back at the house so I sort of felt obligated in one way or another. Still, there was no reaching out from me while she was away – I kept very much to myself and let her have her space and time with S. Once or twice she sent over a few pictures of S playing on the beach.
Something I don’t fully understand though….maybe you guys get it more than I. There have been about 3 or so incidents where she has had to come to the house to pick up or drop off S. She will NOT set foot in the place…at all. Yesterday while she was dropping him off she asked to see his backpack for school so she would be able to identify it while she was picking him up. She stood on the front porch like she was Papa Johns driver. I said “come on it” very politely and opened the door a bit wider for her. She said “no, I’ll just wait out here”. I will admit that sort of stung a tiny bit. I mean, when my PARENTS were living there I totally understood why she would not want to come in….she would barely leave her car or the driveway….THAT made sense. But why now? I do not pose some kind of threat to her or anything and, as noted, there has been no hatred spewed back and forth during all of this. Is it memories? Is it a coping mechanism? Is it her way of keeping her walls up?
While she was living back at the house we made a list of things we needed to do – upgrade – around the house. I have started to do those things without her. I recently shared a picture of the wood floors I had put in and she simply replied “They’re awesome. I’m happy for you.” – that felt….weird. “I’m happy for you” just didn’t seem like a fitting thing to say. I know I am probably being too analytical. But maybe THAT is part of the reason she won’t cross the front door? The house is starting to take shape with some of the things SHE asked for and it hard to internalize? Meh – who knows….it’s not my problem – it’s just hard to understand.
So I joined a popular dating site. I didn’t have the strongest drive to do so, but I did it anyway because I felt it was/is key to unhitch and move on along with my next chapter. It’s been a mixed bag – I have been out on three dates. Two were great – one turned out to be….well, let’s just say “south of stable”. I’ve had some good people reach out to me and I have a few more dates to schedule…..but I have also been stood up, to. A friendly reminder that I don’t really LOVE this process – but I am OK with it. I don’t think anyone is capable of hurting me emotionally right now. It’s not that I am dead inside, but rather I know what REAL relationship pain is now and everything else seems rather petty with that as my new benchmark. One woman that I went out with was really interested in my everything that I learned from my D . She was really impressed with the fact that I was very open and honest about all that I felt I did wrong and all that I have learned. She, too, was divorced. Her telling quote was “I don’t understand what else your XW wanted. I would have killed for my XH to acknowledge ANY errors on his part and work to make things right again”. That was flattering and painful all at the same time – but the validation from someone else felt good.
Well, folks, that’s most it for now. I am doing OK and managing my feelings fairly well. Also still giving XW space and not pursuing (with the exception of a few backslides along the way). I still miss them both tremendously, especially my little guy – he is the center of my world right now. But I am adjusting.
