Newcomer's brief summary

[doubledown]

I made my first post on 7/24/13. Since then, I've been advised to post a brief summary of my situation to inspire more responses:

I discovered that my wife is involved physically and emotionally with a coworker. She has no idea that I am aware of this. I found out by going through her text messages. It was devastating. All the "I love you's" and "can't wait to wake up to your every morning", "you're the first thing I tink of when I wake", "I'm only with my husband for the children's sake", etc. I'm ridiculed and the joke to the two of them.

I've read the DB book and I am currently reading DR. I've also read some other books on infidelity. I'm smart enough to realize and accept that I have no control over her or her feelings and actions. I need to focus on myself and improving. Since she has no idea that I am aware of many of the fine details of her relationship, I have the benefit of putting into practive the DB methods. This however, is so challenging because I am so ambivalent. Sad and crushed one day, angry another. I've been able to hold it in and put on a consistent happy, calm, non-judgemental/critical demeanor. I've been actively working around the gardens and house to make life easy on her. She says thank you for what I do, but she's still preoccupied with the OM to really appreciate it. I'm hoping she will take notice of my 180's because prior to my discovery, I was angry, critical, judgemental and had no patience with our two boys 8 & 5.

Regardless, I am the significant cause of her disillusionment with our marriage. Granted, she has contributed a good portion to the current state of our marriage as well. Now, the challenge is wait and see if this affair dies or grows stronger. All I can do is be consistent with my improvements and hope one day she realizes she's made a mistake and wants to rebuild our relationship.

I've spoken to a DB coach, Joanne. We've discussed my plan to continue this and have made a list of no-no's. It's just so tough watching her drive away to work, but really knowing she's going to spend the day with the OM. She tells me she works 7 days a week, but she takes days off to spend with the OM. That' is the hardest part right now. The lies, lies, lies.Right to my face. Takes alot to grin and bear it!

I love this woman and my family. I am committed to this marriage. She is the love of my life. If this is what I have to do to regain her love and trust, that's what I'll need to do. I must be having a good day, because Iknow I'll be challenged soon and may feel differently. There''s lots of work to do. This affair dying would be a good start. I think it's been going on since April 2013.

Any advice out there?