No you can not put logic to this mess! Actually after DETACH, I would say that is Rule #2. There is LOGIC however it is backwards, upside down and hard to understand. So first you need to learn how to sit on the ceiling and drink coffee with a fork. Once you get that down we can work on the rest of the logic.
So you think it is interesting that I knew what was happening before you told me?
It does sound like your W is going through some depression, and yes it is like a bomb blew up. Why do you think we call it bomb drop?
She probably has a lot of guilt associated with her mother or maybe both of her parents.
I would suggest you keep reading up on MLC and all the links that I gave you, you are going to see that all of what is written has happened before, over and over again to others that have come before us.
As far as YOU having something to do with her crisis. NO, you could have been a perfect person and she would still be in crisis now. You can learn here, and make yourself a better person. You more than likely have faults, we all do, but they did not cause this.
I am not a mind reader, can not do fortune telling, but I do understand these crisises and there is a predictable way that they seem to work. That is not a guarantee, but it is a possibility.
Well, I certainly cannot sit on the ceiling nor can I drink coffee with a fork...hmmmm...lol...Anyway's it seems to me you might be spot on here with MLC. Although its past her midlife as I understand it you can be 70 and get hit with MLC. At any age MLC or depression can cause havoc in the mindset. Family here like myself have continued to say it doesn't make sense. If I rehashed it all again here it still would not make sense. Yes, Im not perfect god forbid, but WAW knew and still knows I am not a bad person. She knows our R wasn't perfect and could of been worked on but she knows I did not treat her so bad that she can justify walking away like she did. In total secrecy from me without saying a thing. And now she doesnt have hardly to say to me and continues her own way. She did not have an OM when she left but who knows now. But, I know I have got to stay quiet and not even peek my head out towards her. Unfortunately, I also need to keep contact with stepdaughter very limited also. Shes in my corner but anything she might try to say to her mother about me probably wont be heard. 2 weeks from our 6th anniversary and its gonna be quiet for a loooong time Im feeling as I dont think she will be reaching back out to me anytime soon if at all.
I am not a mind reader, can not do fortune telling, but I do understand these crisises and there is a predictable way that they seem to work. That is not a guarantee, but it is a possibility.
2old it has only been 3 months for you and you have only just started 180 (about 3 weeks). When I say only 3 months, that is in the scheme of things. I used to think 3 months is a long time, but I know I've still got a loooooooong way to go. After this morning's phone call, I think I've got even further to go! You can read about that on my thread on DB newcomer. For the first 2 months, I didn't know anything about DB or DR. When I got positive interactions with my H then I would pursue him which made him distance myself further. There was one week when I thought that he was starting to come round, then the following week he was saying he was filing for D. Your reunion is not going to happen overnight, so start living Your W will not get over her MLC/depression overnight either. She first needs to accept she's got depression/MLC and that could take a while! It's the same with my H, until he gets help for his depression he won't get better. If it's clinical depression he's got then he should go on tablets IMHO. He also needs to have IC as he's still got a few issues to sort out. Until he can accept that he needs the help though, he won't be coming back any time soon. I can only wait. It's also no good me telling him to get help as the stubborn streak in him will just make him dig his heels in further! I am hoping my life coach will be able to talk to him this week about his depression and other issues. We can but hope
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
I am not a mind reader, can not do fortune telling, but I do understand these crisises and there is a predictable way that they seem to work. That is not a guarantee, but it is a possibility.
Cadet, what do you mean by the above?
Read, Read, Read.
Try the stages of a MLC to start with.
Understand that the stages do not always go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but it is a place to start.
So I spent the rest of yesterday reading the threads you provided Cadet on MLC etc. Much of last night was spent thinking about my sitch and things now appear to me much worse than I had imagined. At this point I believe my WAW will not ever decide to reconcile. If a S can walk away in the manner such as she did no anger, no discussion etc. remaining nice right to the end reflects a serious lack of love or concern for the LBS. If there were anger it would reflect emotional feelings to the LBS. If there were talks iniatiated by the WAS after the escape it would also indicate feeling. There is none of this in my sitch. My WAW shows no emotion whatsoever. Giver her age the effects of her thought pattern now can only mean she was/is prepared to move on permanently. There was even discussion in one of the threads where the WAS left the 2 beloved dogs behind so that the LBS would be able to handle the sitch better. Wow, that in my opinion is a very sick thought that one can walk away thinking your pets will comfort the LBS. This kind of thinking is pretty far out there. But, as I read a WAS will and can use anything to justify their own thought process and what they do.I believe also one thread discussed the nice till the end sitch. Then once away the icy coldness overtakes. I still dont comprehend that fully but its obviously something for examining. And you are right CAdet, Their kind of pain is no where near what we the LBS experiences. As A matter of fact in my sitch there seems to be no feelings of guilt or even the slightest concern for what she has done. As described, the lack of emotion and communication from the WAS depicts a complete lack of emotion and absolutely no concern towrds the LBS. If anything I have put out here is wrong or needs correcting please feel free to comment.
2old you do not know how she is feeling. You do not know if she has feelings towards you. Her behavior is how she protects herself from pain. You are early in the process. I remember when I came here people would advice me but I was so messed up that I didn't understand what they were telling me. So what I think helped was people repeating their advice to me. I will do the same.
You must GAL, find new friends, drive down a different road, go to church, dance lessons, volunteer etc... To help with this stich. If you obsessed as to why she did what she did you will loose valuable time in the healing. Keep posting my friend
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Thank you Rick, Yes I hear you and have been gradually GALing more and more. My stages seem to go from one to the other at this point. Anger now for the first real time to then going back to the other disgusting emotions. Getting so damn tired of this. But you are right, I dont know what she is feeling towards me. The idea she is so able to not discuss this with me 3 months later is what I find difficult to deal with. Therefore I am painting a picture of doom and gloom for my sitch. Im guessing this really doesnt matter now.
What you wrote is correct, HOWEVER, it forms the wrong conclusions.
Right now she has no idea what the future is going to bring either. She is unable to plan that far in advance. Rick1963 is correct that she is protecting herself. As suddenly as she changed into this alien it is possible that she will emerge from the fog. She is playing out the script and although their are different variations of this movie, they all have basic themes.
You dont know that she will NEVER come back, but you should start living your life "as if" she might never come back. Subtle difference but I hope you understand.
I have said this many times before but the LBS gets to decide in the end. So if you feel you must completely shut the door to move forward then that is OK, but I suggest that you can always choose that. Leave the door cracked open with a small little wedge but keep moving forward.
Some day in the future(dont ask me how long) she will be back, that much I am sure.
But I am to not initiate any contact whatsoever correct? With her being 900 miles away only there will be no chance of an in person contact. As you recall we dont even talk via phone since she left and yet she gave me her new number in an email 2 weeks ago out of the blue. We have had only email contact and all has been quiet for two weeks now. Some say you should peek out every couple weeks and others say no contact at all....I Just want to do the right DB strategy
