Blindsided

[chl0901]

Thanks, lost and lovethehub! Friday night was much better than the previous night and I didn't bring up H's tantrum and neither did he. I bought a blu-ray player with Netflix streaming capability for the bedroom to replace the dang Xbox (H didn't really play games much anymore on it).

I understand that by not bringing things up you are "letting them go" but what we mean on here by letting it go is to really learn to detach emotionally so by letting it go, you are releasing the emotion attached to it.

I'm having a hard time detaching all the way. I guess I'm somewhat on the way by now ignoring H's moods and not reacting to them externally (when in the past I would have 100%, which made them worse or about me!). I guess I'm still somewhat apprehensive that if I detach emotionally all the way that it will have a negative impact somehow. I'm not sure if that makes sense to everyone, but I am going to try and move past that and work on it!

GAL - it is great that you are meeting friends for lunch more often but H doesn't really see that, even if he knows you are. When DR comes, you can say you are going out and go spend a couple of hours at a coffee shop reading your book. Personally I found DR to be more helpful than DB, although I liked them both.

My H is hardly ever home on the weekends, so he doesn't see a lot of what I do anyway. Sometimes I take S and meet up with a friend and her S and go to the park or lunch on the weekends so H does see that every once in awhile. H knows about my exercise classes I do twice a week after work. I need to plan that girls' night already I guess! DR should be in any day now, so I will begin reading that soon.

Acts of Service - this may not be your H's LL. It may, however, if you have been meeting his LL all of these years, I think you would know. Of course, I am not an expert on this. I would suggest trying them all out and see where you get the best reaction.

Physical Touch - I would be careful with this. It is like walking a tightrope when you have a WAW. I know he is reaching out to you, so maybe small touches here and there, I am not so sure about initiating sex. You have done that several times and been shot down. I would give him his space.

After reading the 5LL book and taking the quiz for H, I believe his LL is AoS more so than any of the others. He gets weird when I compliment him and has never been good with gifts. He is also not a very touchy feely person, so I don't think PT is his either. I think he appreciates me doing little things for him like steaming his clothes and making his coffee in the AM so I have continued to do those things to an extent (I've stopped with the cards and text messages saying, "Have a good day," or "I appreciate you!" etc.).

I scratched his back in bed the other day and have not tried to initiate S since a few weeks ago when I was shot down multiple times. I think me initiating will be a lot further down the road if things start to get better with our M (just because he's told me multiple times in the past that he wants me to initiate more). But I agree with you that now is not that time.

It does feel like a game in the beginning, it isn't. This works. Even though there is a lot of time where things seem 'normal' AS is right that the storm is still brewing underneath and anything can happen at any time. You will really want to master DBing.

I know you can do it, you are off to a great start and have shown amazing strength already. Most people would not keep their mouth shut about OW, I can only imagine how hard that is.

Thank you, lovethehub. It has been really difficult not to bring up OW, and I have been tempted to, but once I think about it, I do realize that it won't change things and will most likely make them worse. I'm still new at this and trying to work on myself to be the best person I can be and hopefully that is enough for H to figure out what he wants.