What a week it has been! Just before the weekend started, feelings of anger, sadness toward my W recurred again! However, I feel that I am able to control my feeling more this time round. I am able to just accept the feelings and carry on after that.
Then on saturday i think i backslided hard. Initially i had a meetup with others to play pool at a local pool salon. I had the jitters of meeting new people and i preped myself that if this is what i fear to do most, that is what i need to be doing. So i did went to the meetup area, as the organizer was late for quite sometime, I'm not too sure whether it's whether i'm afraid to meet new people and i started to walked away or I was angry that this meetup was poorly organized as i have no contact details of anyone other than to just turn up. My co dependency of my W started appearing again!
Strangely enough the following day, my feelings for my W started to fade away. It seemed to be like I love her but i'm not in love with her anymore.
I'm going to dedicate the following section on how to become a man that only a fool will leave. Would love some inputs if possible
Complaints of my W about me plus my own self reflection:
Never compliment her
Spent too much time on the computer for gaming
Never listens to her needs even when spoken to me directly
Fixer when not needed
Always have excuses when something happened
Not independent enough
Could never say no to my mom
Draw the line with W on money issues
Keep to myself during conflicts
Turns defensive when attacked during conflict
Promise to change but always change back over time
Depend too much on W for my own happiness
Expects W to know what I'm thinking
Manipulative in my speeches to W e,g I took care of you last time, why don't you take care of me now
My love for W is not as unconditional as I though i am
Currently what i'm working on:
Learning to validate conversation with others
Compliment W when given the chance to meetup (not possible currently as she says she wants to be left alone now)
Stopped gaming and started replacing my free time with cooking
Keep a calm emotion when being attacked (there is some baby steps in this but i also realized that i will retort back in reaction at times.)
Reading up on self help books. Currently reading: Hope for the Seperated and Her Needs His Needs
Follow through on this motto: Do what i fear most.
Be very patient
I realized that this is a marathon and not a sprint. I realized that i might be anxious at time to get results but life have it own ways to bite me in the ass when this happens.
