DB seemingly backfired w/ my H???

[MrCAS]

"Can't believe" might be a little strong... Incredulous, maybe?

Sorry if I seemed harsh. Eeeps.

[DigDeeper]

Hi Mimi, sorry to hear that you had a rough week. I understand the pain of not being able to talk to your H on your way home. I also miss talking to my W on the phone.
I'm here to support you and hope that you have a good week ahead

[Mimi00]

Giving birth does not make any woman a mother.

Amen!

There is NOTHING you can do about it. You can yell. You can stomp your feet. You can have a full blown Tazmanian tantrum... Will not change a thing. YOU will be the bad guy.

Amen again...
This I learned in the first year of our marriage.
I learned to stop bringing his mother up, it always put him on the defense. I knew I'd never win that fight.

In counseling several months ago, I finally did indirectly bring her up again, by saying he allows people to use him and doesn't take care of himself. He does for others who would never do the same for him(his mother and many of his friends), he allows others to hurt him, he claims he's not hurt and still seeks after them more than they do him. He disagreed in counseling. But when he was here last month, he told me I was right in counseling when I said that.

[quote=MrCAS]
I would ask where that money came from.

I will attempt to inquire in a friendly manner.

Personally, I think your H is trying to buy his mother's love or approval.

The loyalty he shows for her is amazing. I guess maybe hoping one day she will tell him "I love you, you are enough." He would never admit this though.

"Can't believe" might be a little strong... Incredulous, maybe?

Sorry if I seemed harsh. Eeeps.

O no, you're fine MrCAS. What makes you skeptical of his life story?

The parts I know to be true:
Being pulled out of College b/c financial paper work error by his mom (we went to the same college, lived on the same floor freshman year, we were only associates at the time but I knew he left b/c of money, from other friends we both know. Then when we re-met he told me the whole story)

Mom clearly has some kind of issues, she's never visited H in the 4 years of our marriage, not very "motherly". The first time I met her, I flew to where they lived, went to her house, she barely spoke to me. The next time I saw her was the day of our wedding I had to have someone go get her and bring her to my bridal room so I could say hello and try to connect with her before marrying her son. You'd think she'd naturally come say something to the woman her son is marrying... nope. If I recall correctly, she didn't even give us a card on our wedding day. So I'm pretty sure she hasn't given him much in life period.

Grandmother dying from cancer, H caring for her (he's in the medical field, caring for people is what he loves to do)

Hi Mimi, sorry to hear that you had a rough week. I understand the pain of not being able to talk to your H on your way home. I also miss talking to my W on the phone.
I'm here to support you and hope that you have a good week ahead

Hi DigDeeper, hope you are well. Thank you for your kind words. I am going to push myself out of this valley this week by staying busy!

[MrCAS]

I will retract what I was thinking.

I have given it thought and realized that there are just nasty, selfish, and totally self-centered people in the world and your MIL appears, to me, to one.

It is sad, to me, that your H continues to show "loyalty" based on what you have told us. Maybe that is what I find so incredulous because it conflicts with my line of thinking.

Another thought I had... It almost seems that your H is exhibiting a lot of the traits of a LBS in regards to his mother. The hanging on... the pursuit... the trying to buy affection whether monetarily or through acts of service...

Be strong, girl. I am rooting for you.

[chl0901]

Another thought I had... It almost seems that your H is exhibiting a lot of the traits of a LBS in regards to his mother. The hanging on... the pursuit... the trying to buy affection whether monetarily or through acts of service...

I had the same thought as MrCAS!

I'm sorry you have had a rough few days, Mimi. That was me last week! I hope you a feeling a little better today. SMILE.

[Mimi00]

Phone conversation w/ H went well, we talked for about an hour. I let him do most of the talking. I did take over a bit for the last 20+ minutes b/c he asked me certain questions.

He sounds great. Things he talked about:
- The program his job had him create is really taking off. They are looking in to getting the program accredited so it can be taught in colleges around the country. This may take H to levels professionally he never thought he'd be. (I'm happy for him, but this really hurts, b/c I pushed him to follow his dream and pursue this travel job opportunity that out of no where provided him w/ this chance to create this program. It's turned out to be the best thing ever for him, but the worst thing ever for me.)

- He's planning on staying in "wonderland" for possibly 3 years now (he always told me he would NEVER want to live there long term, things have changed now)

- In November he'll be purchasing a vehicle and moving to an apartment that will be $1,000+ so right now he's trying to work as much as he can and save as much as possible to prepare and make sure he has "food in his mouth",then he said "and so that you'll have food in your mouth too". So to me I guess that means he still sticking with his plan to support me if needed.

- The lump sum of money he gave back to his mom is b/c she's wanting to open a store. He doesn't know if she's truly going to open a store or not with it, but he said that's not his concern (progress for him in detaching from his mom). I forgot to ask him where the money came from in the first place.

- He said he's been ignoring his moms calls recently and he can't deal w/ her in the same way any more. He also said he called his sister and told them they may not see him for a few years, unless they come to see him. I told him "I'm sure someone will come out and ski with you". He said, some one may, but doesn't believe any one will, so he's not getting his hopes up.

- A cousin of his passed away, sad it was a hard day for him after he found out. I told him I was sorry to hear that. I didn't know what else to say.....the shock of the fact that he didn't call me for support I guess really brings about the realization we're done to him.

- He asked me if I had made any progress on the "paper work" (I guess he can't bring him self to say divorce or dissolution?) I said what paper work, b/c I really wasn't sure...then I was like, O, I don't have any copies of that, so no I haven't done anything. He said he hasn't looked at them either.... but he'll have to make some calls and figure out what to do since I will be moving. I told him I will still have my identification for where I currently live (my parents home) so not much should have to change. He will try to make some time to do his part and then mail it to me to complete my end.

- He asked me about my plans for my living arrangements once I move. I've had a hard time finding a 6 month lease that accepts dogs as well, for a reasonable cost. So I told him I may have to get a second PT job to make sure I can do extra stuff I need to do (like save money), or I may find temporary living and have to leave my dog here with my parents. etc..etc.. He said "it sounds like you're on top of things" I told him I am trying to be, but I am a little unsure, that it's hard for me to see the future right now, but I hope by the end of the year things are more clear for me. I almost cried, but I held it together. He says if I do have to get a second job, he hopes I won't have to do that for long.

The conversation ended well. He says he will call or text me again before the end of the week, I won't hold my breath. I decided not to be the one to end the conversation per Sandi's rules, b/c when he was here last month, he said my rushing off of the phone made him feel a negative way. So I decided to do a 180 and not end the conversation this time. Once I move I will start doing it again.

I'm kind of annoyed that H seems to together, has all these great opportunities coming his way. While I am some what lost. When I was younger it was hard for me to see the future & make plans, after getting married seeing the future and making plans became much easier. Now I'm back to square one, not knowing what direction to take, what's the right thing to do. It's worst for me now b/c I'm 30 w/ no direction, not the best place to be IMO.

It almost seems that your H is exhibiting a lot of the traits of a LBS in regards to his mother. The hanging on... the pursuit... the trying to buy affection whether monetarily or through acts of service...

Yes and his mom has always been the OW, IMO... lol

I'm sorry you have had a rough few days, Mimi. That was me last week! I hope you a feeling a little better today. SMILE.

Thanks chl0!

[Mimi00]

There have been so many brand new topics posted today by newcomers, it breaks my heart that so many marriages are in crisis(just imagine how many more people aren't on this forum). Marriage isn't supposed to be this way.

It can't be that we are all choosing the "wrong spouse". It has to be that most times, we simply don't start out understanding as humans we are flawed, we don't come into marriage perfect, and we are going to make many mistakes while in the marriage. Both spouses are "messed up" from past experiences and we are meant to help heal each others past through unconditional love and understanding and realizing that most of the poor actions our spouses exhibit shouldn't be taken personal; but should be properly discussed, while in the marriage. But too often we end up "damaging" each other more, because we protect ourselves through various hurtful defenses, instead of being vulnerable and learning how to love one another they way each individual needs.


Just random thoughts I had while reading threads today.

[tori2012]

Mimi, it's great you're contemplating all these things. You're learning and growing, which is all we can do while going through this.

You said, "When I was younger it was hard for me to see the future & make plans, after getting married seeing the future and making plans became much easier. Now I'm back to square one, not knowing what direction to take, what's the right thing to do. It's worst for me now b/c I'm 30 w/ no direction, not the best place to be IMO"

That's a common feeling, but try to see it as a perception. You are not your marital status or who you're with. You're YOU, and you're amazing. So start by seeing your future in a positive way. If you do, positive things will start showing up into your life. When you go to sleep tonight, imagine a happy future (lots of details) instead of going over your sitch or what your H might or might not do. You'll start to see the difference.

((((((((((((())))))))))))))

[MrCAS]

Your future worth is not dictated by what your H feels, says, or does. Your identity is not directly tied to your H.

This was a really hard part for me to get past. I bet it was for others, too.

You are a winner. You are strong. You will be happy.

Rooting for you, girl!

[Mimi00]

Thanks Tori and MrCAS.

I was in another thread and enjoyed this post from Suckerpunch, so I'm re-posting it here so I can easily find it for reference in the future, or incase it can be helpful to someone else:

Your situation is so fresh. Things seem to be happening at break neck speed. You have no idea, but you are just touching the tip of the ice berg. Slow yourself down and settle in. This is going to be a much longer process than you can imagine.

You are in a great position to turn this around. Don't do what so many of us have done and make things worse. You need to remember, only YOU are trying to save this marriage at this point. Your husband is not onboard, so don't expect him to play by the same rules or be positive in any regard. He is going to recite SCRIPT that is used by almost every single WAS. He will say he doesn't miss you. He will say the "ilybnilwy". He will say he is happy that he left. He will speak only in negatives. He will seemingly want to get away from you as fast as humanly possible. And like Another Stander pointed out, he is going to push your buttons. Consider every interaction you have with Husband to be a test. You can pass those tests or fail them. "You can choose to be right, or you can choose to be happy". that is a great saying. Live it! If you get angry, if you pursue, if you come off seeming needy or pitiful or if you engage him in conflict, that will come off looking negative to your husband.

Keep in mind, your husband is REELING with internal confusion. This isn't any easier for him than it is for you. However, he has to play it like he has made the greatest decision of his life. That is the way of the WAS. They will act like a completely different person. That is the only real way for them to convince themselves that they are making the right decision. It is your job not to play into that. Your husband is processing a lot of stuff right now. Let him. Don't pressure him to make a decision. Don't battle with him by any means. What you need to do is focus on yourself. Stay VERY level headed and don't respond to him with emotion.

This is the hardest thing to do, some call it detachment, but this is essential. Get out. Enjoy friends. Take care of yourself. "Act as if" you are happy and content. When you have interactions with your husband, just be pleasnt. Don't over do it, but just be upbeat and positive. Do not engage him any any negativity. Let him see you at your best. Buy some new clothes. Get your hair done. Look your best when you encounter him. Give him time to travel his journey with space and understanding. He will eventually start to settle down. At that time, you want him to reflect on what a great catch you were in the first place. This break you are having is VERY fresh. Both of you are going to be extremely raw emotionally. With a little time, understanding and showing your husband a smooth way back home to you, it is very possible that you can turn this around. Stay focused. Come on here and ask questions about ERVERYTHING. This is your ultimate source of support, right here. Use it.

Lastly, I would advise against discussing your marriage to anynone, even family or close friends. Take it from my experince, friends and family will wish to support you and therefore side AGASINT your husband. You don't want that. It never works out well and just places more conflict and distance between you. This is not the time to build alliances! Share here, but try to keep it under wraps aside from that. It will honestly be better for your marriage in the long run. If you need answers or need to vent, everyone here is on the same page as you. Let us help you, or be a shoulder for you to lean on. :-)

I spilled a lot. I hope you can take some of it in and put it to use. Keep strong and stay calm. Don't rush to make an ends.