DB seemingly backfired w/ my H???

[Mimi00]

^^^^ Hi TTD and DMR....It's hard when someone makes a complaint like "I feel like we're roomates" but doesn't say what can be done to change it. It left me confused.




So H still hasn't responded to my email detailing my plans for my move, and asking him a question about our car insurance....its been four days.

At first I didn't care but now I feel he could have atleast responded "ok".

He seems to have "gone dark" himself the last 2 days.

He usually posts a picture from "wonderland" everyday....but he's been quiet.

I'm wondering if I should reach out and see if he is ok?

When he was here a few weeks ago he told me her "never asked for space" in regards to me not calling and texting (I was doing LRT) for over a month after BD...so I'm wondering if I should do a 180 right now and text to see if all is well?

Any thoughts?

[MrCAS]

You might send a text asking about the insurance... It is a legitimate concern.

Could be his lack of posts from "wonderland" is the thrill is wearing off, perhaps? Just a thought.

180s can never hurt in my book. Just make sure it isn't pursuing. Easy to do when you have been dark. Ask me how I know. LOL!

[Mimi00]

Thanks MrCAS, hope you are well today!

Either H is following my thread here or he sensed my frustration? But just a few seconds ago he text'd me

H: got your email...hope you are well.



Guess I'll figure out how exactly to respond to that, if at all...

[MrCAS]

I am doing well, thank you.

When people ask me how I am doing.. I tell them.... "Smilin'!"

Even if I am not.

[Mimi00]

I decided to respond to his text a few hours later

Me: Thanks for letting me know.

H: Maybe we can talk soon about your plans as well as my own and arrangements

Me: Sure, I work tonight 4-11p, sat 8a - 11p and Sun 4-11p. Other than that I'll be around, so call whenever you're free.

I'm a bit nervous to find out what his "plans & arrangements" are...

I am doing well, thank you.

When people ask me how I am doing.. I tell them.... "Smilin'!"

Even if I am not.

When people ask me, I usually just say "I'm Okay". I figure that's some where in the middle. I can't bring myself to say anything different at this point.

[MrCAS]

Mimi... Sometimes I just walk around with a shiteating grin because I can. It is the face I want the world to see.

Even when I feel like stuffing my head into the business end of an oven.

[Mimi00]

I've had a rough last 2 days. Not sure why. Last night I got of work much later than normal b/c the person to relieve me was late. So I was driving home at mid-night. Normally when this would happen I would call H to keep me company by phone. I realized I no longer have this and broke down while driving. It was pretty terrible. Today I've been having ups and downs emotionally, on the verge of crying all day at work is not cool. Maybe because I am some what dreading it H's call about whatever "plans" he has, afraid whatever he'll say will hurt. I feel like I need to have a plan of what I will say.... so I will stay on task, not be tempted to talk about us.

I've been reading the memoir "This is not the Story You Think it Is" The author's husband tells her he's no longer in love, doesn't know if he ever really loved her and he wants to move out. Alot of his reasoning for wanting to leave sounded like my H's reasoning. The fog ended up lifting from her husband after 4-5 months and they are still married. There were some good lessons in there. Maybe next time I post I will share some quotes.


This week I finally went to the Gun Range w/ the friend that invited me, I did it as a GAL/180. I would never touch a gun. I actually had pretty good aim. But that night I had violent scary dreams about shootings and robberies. No good. No more guns for me lol

Next week end will be my last weekend here as I will move on the 14th. I was thinking of going to visit my family I haven't seen since I moved back here several months ago and maybe also go to H's home town where a few of my friends live. (They helped me out the night H indirectly asked me to leave his sisters home and drive back home 3 hours alone.) I figured maybe we could have a goodbye dinner.

I also was thinking to stop by H's aunts house, bring her a homemade pie and a card. She has been the only person in his family that was kind to me from the start and made me feel like a part of the family, so I wanted to say good bye one last time because I don't see my self visiting there again in the near future.

[MrCAS]

It isn't the one last good bye. Stop thinking like that.

I wouldn't waste too much energy scripting a conversation... They never follow the plan you have in your head. Trust me... LOL!

[Mimi00]

I got home from work at 11:30 p last night. My phone's ringer was randomly off. Before I went to sleep around 12:15am I looked at my phone and saw H text'd around 12:04 am

H: Are you sleep?

H: $2,000 of the money in our joint savings is my mothers and I'm giving her the entire amount so that's what the big transfer is for. I will call you tomorrow.

I almost responded, then I decided not to. I was home all morning and part of the afternoon. He decided to wait until after I get off work to text about that? Yeah it can wait until tomorrow.

This morning I texted him back

Me: Good morning. I was on my way to sleep last night. Talk to you later today, have a good day at work.



Background on his mother:
I don't know if I am allowed to have an opinion on their relationship, but I personally feel he needs to detach from her. When he was in his early teens it became apparent she has issues with drugs, she basically abandoned the family, his father stuck by her side in spite of her addiction & she was cheating on him.

H's father ended up dying from a heart attack. H believes it was a "broken heart" he truly died from (he says that affects him today, he doesn't want to suffer the same heart ache as his father, but he also says I haven't done even 1% of the hurtful things his mom has). After H's dad died, his mom spent the money H's dad left behind for him, on drugs.

H finished high school, went to college, H's mom purposely filled out his financial paper work wrong b/c she didn't want him to leave her. H's scholarship was pulled and they want their money back, he had to leave college, to this day does not have a 4 year degree, yet owes the school thousands b/c of what his mom did.

He went back to live with his mom as she wanted, H ended up taking care of his grandmother who had cancer b/c his mom was still dealing with her issues and not taking care of her mother.

5 years later H and I begin dating, he tells me how he's taken care of everyone else. I fall in love with the way he care for others and I want to be the one that allows him to put his needs first, I want to be the woman to stick by his side and help him obtain every goal in his heart. He begins visiting me and feels exactly that way, taken care of, happy.

After marriage H leaves his mother physically, but never financially. She's no longer on drugs (that we know of) but she's never been responsible for her self 100%. After we got married I asked him to spend the first 6 months taking care of himself, work towards our dreams and no one else. He agreed, but it never happened (one of his big reasons for leaving me now is b/c he wants to take care of himself, realizes he's taken care of ever one else, no longer wants to do that).

It frustrated me that H couldn't put even $1 a month in our savings, yet could give his mother $150+ when she would ask. Unfortunately the second year of our marriage she had multiple strokes, so that put a lot of strain and worry on H. H has siblings and other family that lives where she lives, but they don't help her, for whatever reasons, everything falls on H. Last year, b/c of her strokes and other issues, she received large sum of money? She gave it to H to put in a CD for her b/c she didn't trust herself to do it. I don't know the details, but I assume H put away a portion of the money as she wanted, but then kept a few thousand and put it in our savings (I do see a large deposit of $1,395, NOT $2,000 as he is claiming), I assume it was so that when she asks him for money he can pull from that.


H tells me I have hurt him more than anyone in his life. When I think of the heart break his mother has caused him and his family, that leaves me confused. He runs to her aide when ever she needs. I told him last time he was here that I always felt she was #1 and I was somewhere in the top 3 in his heart. He loves her unconditionally and has never not been there for her. Clearly his love for me was conditional.

I know that is the woman who gave him life, so maybe I'm selfish? But I believe when you marry every one else, including your parents take a back seat to your spouse. She's an adult and has had people cushion her falls for a while now, she needs to experience the consequences of her irresponsibility IMO, but H will never let that happen.

H claims he doesn't have "mommy issues" (his words), he says he doesn't because he's forgiven her completely for her past mistakes, loves her and will always be there for her b/c she is his mom. I say just b/c H has forgiven, doesn't mean he doesn't have hurts inside that cause him to react a certain way, especially in relation to me and how he's not handling our M.

When he was here last month he was frustrated with her, he spent several hours with her on multiple days, yet when he wasn't around she complained he wasn't spending enough time with her, but then on his last day there he called multiple times and she didn't answer, she finally called him the next day asking if he was still in town, when he said no, she hung up on him. He shared his frustration w/ me, I listened and tried to stay positive. I told him about learning to love her but not let his emotions be so tied to her actions.

H's mom is a very intelligent woman, she's in her late 40's, she didn't suffer any physical issues from her strokes, she still moves about just fine and looks healthier now than she did before the strokes.... but she just doesn't seem to have the ability to stick to the right path. Maybe b/c H enables?


I didn't mean to type so much. But yeah....it will be interesting to find out why he's giving her the lump some of money back, plus an added $500-600 of our savings he's claiming belongs to her but I see no record of that.

It isn't the one last good bye. Stop thinking like that.

I wouldn't waste too much energy scripting a conversation... They never follow the plan you have in your head. Trust me... LOL!

I didn't mean it to be negative, I meant a "going away" dinner of sorts. After this visit, I really don't plan on going back there any time soon though....

[MrCAS]

Wow.

I honestly can't believe half of what your H said happened.

Giving birth does not make any woman a mother.

That being said...

There is NOTHING you can do about it. You can yell. You can stomp your feet. You can have a full blown Tazmanian tantrum... Will not change a thing. YOU will be the bad guy.

I would ask where that money came from.

Personally, I think your H is trying to buy his mother's love or approval.