DB seemingly backfired w/ my H???

[Mimi00]

I got home from work at 11:30 p last night. My phone's ringer was randomly off. Before I went to sleep around 12:15am I looked at my phone and saw H text'd around 12:04 am

H: Are you sleep?

H: $2,000 of the money in our joint savings is my mothers and I'm giving her the entire amount so that's what the big transfer is for. I will call you tomorrow.

I almost responded, then I decided not to. I was home all morning and part of the afternoon. He decided to wait until after I get off work to text about that? Yeah it can wait until tomorrow.

This morning I texted him back

Me: Good morning. I was on my way to sleep last night. Talk to you later today, have a good day at work.



Background on his mother:
I don't know if I am allowed to have an opinion on their relationship, but I personally feel he needs to detach from her. When he was in his early teens it became apparent she has issues with drugs, she basically abandoned the family, his father stuck by her side in spite of her addiction & she was cheating on him.

H's father ended up dying from a heart attack. H believes it was a "broken heart" he truly died from (he says that affects him today, he doesn't want to suffer the same heart ache as his father, but he also says I haven't done even 1% of the hurtful things his mom has). After H's dad died, his mom spent the money H's dad left behind for him, on drugs.

H finished high school, went to college, H's mom purposely filled out his financial paper work wrong b/c she didn't want him to leave her. H's scholarship was pulled and they want their money back, he had to leave college, to this day does not have a 4 year degree, yet owes the school thousands b/c of what his mom did.

He went back to live with his mom as she wanted, H ended up taking care of his grandmother who had cancer b/c his mom was still dealing with her issues and not taking care of her mother.

5 years later H and I begin dating, he tells me how he's taken care of everyone else. I fall in love with the way he care for others and I want to be the one that allows him to put his needs first, I want to be the woman to stick by his side and help him obtain every goal in his heart. He begins visiting me and feels exactly that way, taken care of, happy.

After marriage H leaves his mother physically, but never financially. She's no longer on drugs (that we know of) but she's never been responsible for her self 100%. After we got married I asked him to spend the first 6 months taking care of himself, work towards our dreams and no one else. He agreed, but it never happened (one of his big reasons for leaving me now is b/c he wants to take care of himself, realizes he's taken care of ever one else, no longer wants to do that).

It frustrated me that H couldn't put even $1 a month in our savings, yet could give his mother $150+ when she would ask. Unfortunately the second year of our marriage she had multiple strokes, so that put a lot of strain and worry on H. H has siblings and other family that lives where she lives, but they don't help her, for whatever reasons, everything falls on H. Last year, b/c of her strokes and other issues, she received large sum of money? She gave it to H to put in a CD for her b/c she didn't trust herself to do it. I don't know the details, but I assume H put away a portion of the money as she wanted, but then kept a few thousand and put it in our savings (I do see a large deposit of $1,395, NOT $2,000 as he is claiming), I assume it was so that when she asks him for money he can pull from that.


H tells me I have hurt him more than anyone in his life. When I think of the heart break his mother has caused him and his family, that leaves me confused. He runs to her aide when ever she needs. I told him last time he was here that I always felt she was #1 and I was somewhere in the top 3 in his heart. He loves her unconditionally and has never not been there for her. Clearly his love for me was conditional.

I know that is the woman who gave him life, so maybe I'm selfish? But I believe when you marry every one else, including your parents take a back seat to your spouse. She's an adult and has had people cushion her falls for a while now, she needs to experience the consequences of her irresponsibility IMO, but H will never let that happen.

H claims he doesn't have "mommy issues" (his words), he says he doesn't because he's forgiven her completely for her past mistakes, loves her and will always be there for her b/c she is his mom. I say just b/c H has forgiven, doesn't mean he doesn't have hurts inside that cause him to react a certain way, especially in relation to me and how he's not handling our M.

When he was here last month he was frustrated with her, he spent several hours with her on multiple days, yet when he wasn't around she complained he wasn't spending enough time with her, but then on his last day there he called multiple times and she didn't answer, she finally called him the next day asking if he was still in town, when he said no, she hung up on him. He shared his frustration w/ me, I listened and tried to stay positive. I told him about learning to love her but not let his emotions be so tied to her actions.

H's mom is a very intelligent woman, she's in her late 40's, she didn't suffer any physical issues from her strokes, she still moves about just fine and looks healthier now than she did before the strokes.... but she just doesn't seem to have the ability to stick to the right path. Maybe b/c H enables?


I didn't mean to type so much. But yeah....it will be interesting to find out why he's giving her the lump some of money back, plus an added $500-600 of our savings he's claiming belongs to her but I see no record of that.

It isn't the one last good bye. Stop thinking like that.

I wouldn't waste too much energy scripting a conversation... They never follow the plan you have in your head. Trust me... LOL!

I didn't mean it to be negative, I meant a "going away" dinner of sorts. After this visit, I really don't plan on going back there any time soon though....