wife hardends heart-2

[planet]

I'm sorry if this confuses everyone.
We have a nanny. She takes care of the kids during weekdays and that includes the nights. We also have a domestic help.
So basically, i'm the 'nanny' during weekends. W do not do much around the house.

MrBond excuse my ignorance. What should i put my foot down on? no more mr.nice guy? no more allowing W taking the kids out whenever OM invites?

Not sure if i'm right here but i do see a pattern. W will be nice to me if i don't talk about OM or ignore it when my Ds brought it up. It goes up to a point that she starts to calls me by my affectionate name a few times. She comes out naked after bath to simply show it up to me. Initiate talks. Helps me out. Asked me how she looks. That's the positives i'm talking about. Three days ago, she's back venomous when i asked if she told OM about out D. She's back being friendly today after i ignore the fact that OM took them out for dinner last night. I'm irritated.

[newman7977]

"I spend more time with my Ds. I help out with D4's school work. I read them their books. I bathe them. I fed them. I even spend most weekend nights in their room. D3 wakes up often so i have to be there. I take them to the park alone. Started with the mall too. I play with them and my kids demand that I do, I just can't get away even if I wanted to. I'm learning to do all of this without W. Some of those are my 180."

^^^these are great 180s keep it up. You sound more the responsible parent to me and the more I wonder why you gave your W full custody.

"I should not allow W taking the girls out whenever OM is involved? I dont even know when he's involved and she's not telling but I think it's weekly now"

So is this ok with you or not? It was "ridiculous" to you on the other post. I gave you my POV on this but the choice is yours of course.

[planet]

newman.
comments on my last post?

[newman7977]

"Not sure if i'm right here but i do see a pattern. W will be nice to me if i don't talk about OM or ignore it when my Ds brought it up. It goes up to a point that she starts to calls me by my affectionate name a few times. She comes out naked after bath to simply show it up to me. Initiate talks. Helps me out. Asked me how she looks."

Don't mind read these^^^. You are setting yourself up for disappointment. I did the same mistake in my sitch thinking things were turning around, but these are just crumbs WAS' throw along the way. Think about this, are you ready to live in a M and get only crumbs?

"Three days ago, she's back venomous when i asked if she told OM about out D. She's back being friendly today after i ignore the fact that OM took them out for dinner last night. I'm irritated."

She will get "venomous" because you interrupted her A when you confronted her. She's friendly if you ignore her A because you are enabling her A, so she's good with that. So what would your M look like? Open M so that she's NOT venomous towards you? Like I said lose the fear. If its something you value, put your foot down.

Newman

[planet]

Sounds like i should draw the line. No more OM in the house nor taking the girls out. Tell her its an EA? Tell her she can go if she wants to but leave my kids alone? That'll be pushing her away, wouldn't it? I asked her to put herself in my shoe and she had no answer. Talking about feelings is a sure enough recipe for disaster.
Lines were drawn previously and i didn't enforce it enough. I backed away. What's the end result is going to be like?
Anyway, she's gonna resist. Putting up with cold stares is just killing me. The longer she continues with her attitude, the more out-of-love i feel towards her. Sure enough i'll let this M die off slowly.

Don't mind read these^^^. You are setting yourself up for disappointment.

I'm not jumping for joy either last week. I thought these were small positives and did not see it as WAS crumbs. Looks like a deeper pattern has shown itself.

I emailed the L this morning. Waiting for a response.

[newman7977]

"Sounds like i should draw the line. No more OM in the house nor taking the girls out."

Yes because it's inappropriate and disrespectful to you and the kids.

"Tell her she can go if she wants to but leave my kids alone? "

No. They are her kids too. She can take them but if she's flaunting to you that OM is joining her and the kids then state your boundaries. Look I know that OM might join anyway, but it's different if you know and agreed than not knowing. Sure she can pull it off, but she has to deal with her conscience. Is she stating these outings to you or are you just assuming?

Let us know what your L say.

Newman

[planet]

She just tells me that she's taking the girls out. I asked where and that's just about it.

I suppose talking about EA will be met with denials and more accusations and digging up the past from her, wouldn't it?

This is a hardline approach. That's pushing her further away. Doesn't look like i'm gaining any respect. Sounds like an insecure and controlling H. Kindly put me into the right perspective if i'm wrong.

[Thumpered]

Sorry to ask this, but have you read Divorce Remedy yet?

It looks like your following some of the 180 stuff, but not really following the book much. Sure you have to have some respect for yourself, but theres a lot you just have to give in to, and let it play out by itself.

I'm not sure how it works where u live, but if you already signed a legal agreement for divorce, theres no going back on it.

Demanding answers/responses, confronting the OM, are not DR ways.
I'm not sure if you get this or not, but your wife could really give a crap what you think right now about ANYTHING. If you see things, and think there positive, then your mind reading and allowing her to manipulate you. That's why you BACK AWAY, its not supposed to be about your interactions, its about what your doing for yourself.

Look at is this way, if you get hit in a crosswalk by a car tomorrow, your wife wouldn't even probably show up for the funeral. REMOVE all interactions with her and OM, period. Your just driving yourself insane mind reading, guessing, and playing into her hands.

I know im somewhat new myself, but theres a difference between respect and control going on here.

I'm going to respectfully remove myself from this thread, cause it gets more and more confusing everyday from a DR standpoint. I wish you good luck in the future, and hope things work out for you, one way or the other.

[planet]

I'm about to finish DR. kinda hard to track down one here.

In Malaysia, if one doesn't show up in court in 6months after filling the joint divorce petition, the judge will consider the divorce null and void. Or the L could inform the judge of the change in mind. So it's not over till the fat lady sings.

Yes it does gets confusing. I have much respect for your insight and your decision. I wish the best for yourself too.

[planet]

ah,it gets murkier.
MIL was at my place. She notices something was wrong. She asked W. W proceeded to lay out her grievances with extreme anger. I was there and I could only validate. Threaten to commit suicide if i were to take my kids back to my parents. MIL just agrees. Sides are taken now.
This is one problem I don't need. It gets worse with family involved. MIL will pressure W to R.
Now its out in the open, i really don't know what direction to take now.
My life is upside down. Things are not going well at work. Planning a start-up takes up lots of energy. Don't have much money to spend.
Really a year full of problems.