LBH on the Left Coast IV: Into the Fire

[2chiquitos]

I wrote you this great post and D2 took my ipad and deleted it! So hopefully this will be almost as good...

Negativity/Depression--
It's a good thing you have identified it and you are taking action. Next is acceptance. Accepting that your depression will never go away is the next step. You're negativity is a habit you've been practicing for almost 40yrs! You think that just cuz you've identified it it's going to go away? Nooo. It will come and go but this time you have tools to help you manage it. And you will snap out of it faster!

Along with all the other great stuff you're doing consider writing it down. For example make 3 columns. First column list the automatic negative thought. 2nd column identify the label (google ANT's list) then the contradictory thought in the last column. Whenever you have those ANT come back read over your paper. IT WILL HELP YOU TREMENDOUSLY! The one thing is to be honest. Don't sugar coat it! Also the 3rd column should say "she may never come back HOWEVER I will go on with my life and be a better partner, son, father because of it!!!"

Don't run away from your sitch, turn around and say "HERE I AM M-F-er!"

Next, let's see your sitch from another angle as your IC told you.
Self Pity---
STOP IT! That's the most immature thing you can do. Boo Hoo, you're wife left you. My son was born fighting to breathe. I couldn't hold him for longer than 2sec because his cheeks turned blue. Shortly after, I found out he would never have children. A month later I found out his body doesn't produce enough white blood cells so H had to give his newborn a daily shot for 3 1/2 yrs. 3 weeks before I had D2, H left me for another girl. 4 days after she was born I spoke with OW over the phone and she gave me all the gorry details of their amorous relationship. So guess what lefty, you are so d@mn fortunate you don't even know it!

After that 2X4, DO NOT BLOW ME OFF like you try to do it with Mr Bond (and Advina, she was so nice about it too). Something else you need to work on, listening to other's advice. I notice you get so upset when you're given advice even if it's done delicately. So I did it the hard way. If you know me you won't be upset but just listen to what I say with a grain of salt. Learn to listen and not take things so personal.

I will be your cheerleader but I will also tell you the truth, when it's necessary. And I think it was necessary to tell you the way I did.

Continue to take care of Lefty. Also consider picking up another hobby. Pick up one that requires either an artistic side (learning an instrument) or scientific (astronomy). That way it occupies your mind so it doesn't wander to negative thoughts. This will help you out of that self pity mode you sometimes get stuck in.

And as for your STBX's actions, remember she is very very confused. She will do things and not know why she's doing them. She acts on impulse. She believes that if she feels like doing something then it's real, she needs to act on it. She is not being rational. SO.... if she calls you continue responding as you've done. Don't lose it with emotions. Be calm and collective. She needs to see your changes so keep the lines of communication open but don't be desperate.

Continue on your path. This is a journey. Hopefully your your wife's paths will cross. :-)