My Story - Need Help... Is there hope?

[sandi2]

If you read the first thread of other LBH's, you will see how they reacted the same way as you. A letter of apology is one of their desperate attempts. And you know what? They said the same thing.......that it wasn't to get a response......that they just felt it was the right thing to do. Just as the WAW's seem to follow a script (b/c they seem to say about the same thing), so do the LBH's.

"My thoughts were haunted by the past. I went out with friends but my thoughts were with her. At a dinner party my thoughts were with her. Constant reminders in married couples"

Very much like one who loses a S in death. But in death, you know there is nothing you can do to change things. And, just as in losing a S in death, you will go through the stages that have been discussed. Everything pulls up memories of her. Everything seems to enhance your loneliness and pain. The other LBS's here can sympathize with you completely. And everyone (LBS & WAS) has terrible regrets and wish they could have a "do over".

"At that time I believe she was confused"

Another common thought from others who share like experiences. And she probably had some comfussion, but whenever a man tries to argue with a woman about what she "feels" and/or tell her she's just confused........he might as well have declared war! You don't tell a woman that......ever! Don't tell her what her feelings are ....or are not.

"Who would want to return to arguing and pressure? Nobody. I wouldn't, and I understand why she wouldn't"

I agree. Remember when you said if you could just have a friendly conversation you might be able to reach through to her? (I can't recall your exact words.). Why would you expect her to be friendly? She would be on the defense and prepared to counterattack your verbal punches. And even though you would try to start out on the right foot, at some point one of you would say something to trigger the emotions. That's just how it is.

Later on down the road, after plenty of time has past, the two of you may be able to talk, but not now. Before you start jumping for glee, let me explain. I'm not referring to the type of talks you've wanted to have with her, where you are trying to change her mind. You can forget that talk! But you may get one more chance to show her that you can listen to what she wants to discuss. Not by your invitation, but in her own good time.

I'm almost hesitant to bring it up b/c I don't want you to pick and choose the words you want to hear, okay? If you will work on you, and stop trying to figure out some way of snapping her out of the A, etc., and if she has time for reality to set in with her life, I believe she will contact you. But "if" she does, it will be a long time from now. Things have to happen first.

She may even ask for a D. And the truth is, some people marry their AP. Those are the negative things. But the other side is the A could end and once she really has him out of her system, she thoughts could return to you.

Thinking of yourself as second choice is up to you. But you were her first choice to M. And how you handle yourself from this point forward could determine future relationships. Maybe it will be with her, or maybe someone else.......but if you don't learn from all of this and determine within your soul to change for the better, then all this pain will have no value. Make it count! Make this painful experience change you for the better.

"As for what I can be.... I don't know other than working to be a better me everyday. I want to be a husband only a fool would leave, and I know I'm on that path"

Well you must be a remarkable man! Most people have a list of areas to improve. .

" I want to be a beacon of light and hope to her, and to fill her heart with love and passion. I want to be her partner, her friend, and her lover. I want to be a husband to my wife. I want to save my marriage."

Okay, but you are thinking in terms of what you want to be if you stay M to her. I'm not talking about just improvement as a H. I mean as a man. Is there any need for personal improvement? Stretch your thinking beyond the M. What were you like before marriage? Are you the same now? Maybe so, if you haven't been M very long.

In order to be a H only a fool would leave, you have to be the man.....first.

One way to make this painful time valuable, is to use it as your training time to shape up. Shape up physically, mentally, socially, spiritually, etc. When the board tells you to get out and GAL, it is b/c of the valuable benefits it has to healing and getting in shape to be that guy on,y a fool would leave. And if she is a fool, you discover that you will be happy without her. If she isn't a fool, you will have the opportunity to do those things you want so badly, at this moment in time.