Wow your H sure contacting you a LOT NLT, his little MLC swiss cheese mind seems to be reeling now that OW has jumped ship. How funny that she left after finding a mouse! And it wasn't even dead! I wonder if that's enough to put her off living in the country permanently!
And if she's gone for good, what will happen now with her on H's health care policy? Did you ever mention that to him, or are you just letting it slide? Insurance fraud really isn't a joking matter; they could both find themselves in big trouble. At the least your H's policy would be canceled; and the insurance company could institute a civil claim against him. There are also possible criminal penalties. It would be a shame to find his policy cancelled if you are still insured under it just because of that scheming OW.
It sounds like you are really paying close attention and observing him! I can just picture you in your T2 goggles and lab coat! I'm glad his eyes don't dart around anymore when he talks to you; my H's eyes do that when he lies. His eyes slide to the side and he cannot look me in the face. Like a little kid!
It's good that you are finding it easier to be alone now and have been able to get rid of all of your expectations; you are really getting strong NLT. I'm proud (and a bit envious) of you to have gotten this far this fast!
Thanks for contrasting your experiences with your H living in the house and away from the house. It sounds like having him out is a bit easier for you. It IS awfully hard to have them right in your face all the time, but I would miss my H, craziness and all, if he ever leaves me. Well I guess I'll get the chance to find out in a couple of weeks.
Keep doing what you're doing, it seems to be working! Carry on!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
It seems that pulling back and adding a little mystery really helped in your sitch. You got him chasing you now!
You sound like you're in a good place, one where you can continue to comfortably stand for quite some time. I've always believed that doing whatever we need to do for ourselves to get to this place is the key to outlasting their crises.
Bust On!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
RL, H likes peace and quiet but he doesn't like it alone! Go figure. So I think he's mostly lonely for someone to talk to. Not sure why he doesn't call the ow to fill the socialization void.
On the insurance, I left the envelope on the counter where any mail that belongs to him is placed. He must have been so distracted by ME that he forgot to look for his mail. So there it sits waiting for him to come by again. I am guessing that the ow isn't gone for good and that she needs a break from the mice and him. Hey, maybe she's looking for new victim to sink her claws into closer to home. I'm not sure what the mice are all about, I've never had one in my home so maybe she should put down the box of Bon Bon's, get off her @$$ and do a little cleaning. LOL As well as stay out of the malls and help out around the house. I forgot to mention that when my h showed up here ready to call it quits a while back that was another one of his gripes. He is a neat and tidy person for the most part. According to him, he is taking care of most of the cleaning inside the house as well as everything outside the house. Oh yeah, and working 10 hours a day. He also complained about how she starts various projects, like painting and then never finishes. Prior to the blowout that they had, he made excuses for her. Wonder how long that will last?
Your comments around healthcare fraud are very interesting. I knew that there would be some sort of penalty, like losing your job and paying back the misused funds but civil action??? YEAH!!! Come and get her! I guess he's the one that they'd come and get. Maybe the wake up call that he needs. That he's NOT above the law and rules.
He also has secondary insurance through my old employer so he wouldn't be without insurance. I was covered under his insurance as well as our disabled daughter until he was laid off a year and a half ago. Because of her disability and the amount of hours that she's worked she gets money from social security as well as Medicare. I also kept her covered on my insurance.
We are both her guardians but I'm thinking that if something happened to me before him that I should take his name off of the Guardianship and put one of the other kids as her "stand by" Guardian. He can't even take care of himself, how will he take care of her finances and her emotional needs? Sorry, just thinking out loud there.
Yes, I've donned the T2 goggles, lab coat and have the clipboard in hand at all times when h is around. We know that we can't believe any of what they say so I listen to the words for clues but observing his behavior, body language etc. is what I pay most attention to. Even then it's hard to know what's real.
RL, I'm in a good place only because I'm doing my best to focus on myself and have carefully place him and his bad behaviors in a box with padded walls where I know he will be safe! I find that I have more strength mentally and emotionally when I'm only concerned with ME. There are times when I try to second guess and predict his future behavior but it truly is a waste of time because it will be what it will be and I want to be as prepared for either of the outcomes as best I can.
I am, by nature, an observer, a logical thinker and a data collector. Maybe something along the line of a female T2 with a ruffle-collared lab coat and pink clipboard. LOL Sorry T2 if you read this. There will never be another T2, male or female. You are a one in a million! Anyway, setting my emotions aside is a real effort for me but I can do that when necessary.
I'm happy to see that the toothbrushes are coexisting even if they are in separate glasses for the time being. That is such a crazy thing but also could be a good gauge of where he is mentally....think positive, that 's a good thing. You will know whether he's approachable or not by where the toothbrushes are in relation to one another! I'm not sure whether your h is going to get out of this country! Is he scheduled to the further testing here? I read on your thread that he wants to take care of his dental and a physical issues in the land of drunken Dr.'s and RT's. I hope he reads something on the internet that will change his mind. There has to be a site online that warns people of having medical procedures done over there. Find one and have someone send it to him anonymously! Or let him find out on his own.
Take care RL and enjoy the rest of your weekend
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Fy, Yes he is falling for the old distancer/pursuer game, isn't he? I really don't mean it as a game but it's and interesting dynamic. I'm not sure if he's chasing but it sure has sparked an interest in him.
That's my plan FY....standing for as long as my mind, body and spirit can. You and I share that philosophy. Being our new and improved wonderful selves with a DBing twist, while doing what's best for us!
As I just wrote to RL above here, if we don't put ourselves first then we'll be in no state of mind to either help our MLCers should they chose to come back to us or if we have to, live our lives without them. It's best to have both of those plans thought out and ready to implement sooner rather than later while we're relatively stable and rational.
I was reading on rH's old threads where one of the DB coaches told her that she should be ecstatic that her h was talking about D and never coming back. It seems that they want to know that they have the freedom to say it out loud and that they are in control of their future? It makes my head hurt to even think about so I'm back to thinking of myself now and where I will be in a month, 6 months and a year from now. Visualize and execute! LOL
The last time I read your thread, your wife was coming along quite well in her communications with you. I'm going over there now to see what's going on in your life today!
Bustin' on here, walkin' right next to you
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
One more thing on the revenge topic - one of my fantasy revenge scenarios was to take out some craigslist ads, put up some flyers and maybe even a nice 4 x 8 plywood billboard with the contractors name, phone number and an ad like "Painting, floor refinishing. Moderate quality. S*****g your wife, no extra charge."
Thinking about what I'd like to do to "get back at him" is a good stress reliever for me and would feel good in the short term but then there's living with ourselves after.....I'd rather not go there.
It's like writing the letter telling them how you really feel about them and then burning it. Much wiser to vent and destroy! LOL
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
My h called yesterday morning to ask if I wanted to get together with our daughter for a BBQ late in the afternoon. We agreed on a time and logistics. In his non thinking mind he asked me if I'd come by and pick him up before picking her up at her apt. I asked him if he minded coming by so that at least his truck would be here when we came back to the house. He seemed clueless as to why. I told him that explaining why both of his vehicles weren't here would be harder than just one of them. Doesn't he think she'll wonder what happened to them. Both in the shop for repairs??? He thinks about it for a few seconds and says, yeah, we don't want her to start asking questions or upset her.
We picked her up, went shopping and came back here. She hasn't seen him in over a month other than to see his truck in town. She always sends me a text when she sees it asking if I'm with him or not. We had a great time, h was very happy to share dinner with her and according to him happy that we ALL were together for dinner. I was pretty busy but I did notice that he send a few text messages while he was here. He also went in search of batteries while I was busy getting dinner ready. Doesn't he realize that I'm a mom and I know what he's doing even if I'm not around? Good thing I hid the batteries. He asked if I had any of a certain type and I said if they're not in the place where they usually are then I must be out. HA!
He was here about 3 hours and seemed relaxed, content to be here and almost as if it was just a normal Sunday dinner. When it came time to leave, he walked off toward the Mstr Bdrm. My daughter asked me if she could borrow something so it gave me the excuse I needed to go into the MBath. He was in the bedroom looking around while petting the cat. He didn't see or hear me so I slipped in and out without notice. I'm sure he was surveying the room to see if there was anything else he could slip out of there. LOL
About 45 minutes after they left he called to thank me and to tell me he had a great time, complimented me again on how good I looked, how good the dinner was and how much he liked the dress I was wearing. Guess I'm lookin' pretty good to a lonely mlcin' man! LOL I thanked him for taking our daughter home and said good night. He wasn't finished talking and carried on about whatever then said that he'd see me again soon.
When he said that he'd see me soon, I didn't realize that he meant again this morning but that's a whole other conversation. I'll be back later to continue.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Wait - your daughter lives in TOWN and you haven't told her about all this? That hardly seems fair - what happens when she sees him in town with the OW in his car, or one of her friends tells her about the woman she saw kissing her dad at a restaurant?
Your H needs to man up and tell her now. It's not fair to let her find out one of those other ways. And she's gonna be mad at YOU for hiding it.
kml, my daughter is mentally challenged and can't deal with things like this. It puts her into a tailspin and then she sinks into a depression. If, a big IF, he comes back home someday it will confuse her even more. My feeling is that it will cause more harm than good at this point. She is, a child emotionally and an adolescent when it comes to being able to take reasonable care of herself. If there is a divorce, then we will have to tell her and deal with it. He hasn't told any of the kids other than our older daughter. Even she is having a hard time dealing with it and she is aware of his mlc, is very close to having her PhD in clinical psychology.
You may be right about someone telling her but another adult wouldn't do it and her peers....they haven't met him and don't know what he looks like. Besides, the ow looks so much like me that we could be sisters! Someone that doesn't know me well would mistake her for me. The biggest difference is that she wears clown makeup and I don't!!!! HA!
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Like a little kid!