Two roads diverged in a yellow wood...

[chasingpavements]

Well, ribfest is cancelled now. H had a couple of teeth extractions on Wednesday. He was feeling fine yesterday. Today he called to say he is in major pain and wants to cancel ribfest. He also talked to another person that he works with that was supposed to be coming and he isn't feeling well either. He wants me to email everyone and tell them it's cancelled. I was almost in tears when he told me we have to cancel the party.

I lost it on the phone with him. I was fighting back crying. I told him I was upset that he only calls me when he needs me to do something for him. I told him that he never talks to me around the home anymore and that I haven't done anything wrong. He agreed that it's not my fault and told me he would be home early. (he is coming home early because he doesn't feel well). So now instead of looking forward to the party I have to look forward to him sulking around the house on Sat. night.

I let out a good cry after I got off the phone with him.

[mizjjd]

Ah, CP.

You are having a bad morning and I am sorry about that.

But, who's party is it? Yours alone or yours and H's?

Why can't you have a party if you want one? Did you talk to the co-worker also, or are you just taking H's word for it?

Give yourself some time to regain composure. Email the coworker and ask how he feels. Maybe you could postpone the party?

Either way, do something for yourself on Sat. night.

You and your H are not a unit right now and you can do things independently. In fact, planning anything that hinges on an MLC's cooperation is rather dicey.

You must feel disappointed about the party. These days it can be a challenge to find things to look forward to so disappointment can hit doubly hard.

But you're smart and clever and creative. I'd say find a way to go ahead with the party in some way shape or form.

Take care of yourself CP.

[chasingpavements]

Thanks, Mizjjd.. you're right I am very disappointed this morning. The party is one we do every year. It is two guy friends that my H works with, and their wives, that I am now friends with. H's friend has liver issues, and I guess he has been off work for 3 weeks due to the problem and this was his first day back to work. His friend came to see him at his desk and he told H that he looked awful. They came to the conclusion together to cancel the party. H has already told the other co-worker as well that it's cancelled.

We are going to just do it another weekend. I actually asked H why we couldn't still have the party, just no ribs. He said he would not be feeling well enough. I will plan it for another weekend, I am just disappointed. I would like to still do something on Saturday.. not sure what. I don't feel like asking the wives, as her H is sick.

[chasingpavements]

Having an ok weekend so far... H seems a lot more relaxed and easy going despite him not feeling well. I wonder if it has to do with the fact that I told him I was upset that he wasnt talking to me around the house. Perhaps he realizes how he was acting also affects me.. just a guess though. Hope it stays that way as it makes every day a lot easier and tolerable for me.

So... no ribfest this weekend but having a pina coloada with my neighbor later on ;-)

Cheers
Cp

[RosaLinda]

"There are still some things I am unsure about with DB'ing. I have been 'testing and checking' to see what is working vs not working. So far, it seems nothing is working! haha. Bringing him the beer on the deck I was testing to see if we could have a normal conversation... apparently not! ha. Sometimes he is in the mood and we can do little things like that, like playing scrabble or watching tv together. I don't think that DB'ing means to not do anything fun together? That is where I am confused. If he is willing should we still be trying to do nice things together? Sometimes he is in a good enough mood where we can do things, but lately he just wants to be alone, it seems."

hi CP. i read this the other day, and have been meaning to tell you what my DB coach told me on rhis topic, but time got away from me, sorry. I had asked Chuck about whether it was time for me to "go dark" in the Last Resort Technique. His answer was no, not to go dark yet. 

Chuck advised me to give my H lots of space, that I should leave him alone. Don't approach him, or pursue him in any way. Don't call or text or enail unnecessarily, and never just as an excuse to establish contact. 

But when King H (as Mz. J would say - that just tickles me!) approaches me, Chuck said to be approachable and lovely and sweet and fun. That it's good to have fun together. We do talk a lot, but sometimes the conversation or activity seems to get too much for him and he leaves. Sometimes without a word. TVS gave me some good advice - to leave while we're still having fun or a nice conversation. 

I think you're too hard on yourself and are doing fine. MLC and DBing are like nothing else in the world, like nothing we have ever faced before. Or ever again I hope. 

[chasingpavements]

But when King H (as Mz. J would say - that just tickles me!) approaches me, Chuck said to be approachable and lovely and sweet and fun. That it's good to have fun together. We do talk a lot, but sometimes the conversation or activity seems to get too much for him and he leaves. Sometimes without a word. TVS gave me some good advice - to leave while we're still having fun or a nice conversation. 

Hi RosaLinda! Thanks for stopping by! Thanks for the advice. I do think that having fun together is important right now. For a while when I was DB'ing I was not talking to H much, and just giving him space, and things were starting to get tense between us. I find that having a few laughs lightens the tension sometimes. Other times he is not in the mood for talking. We are having a nice weekend, and have been talking a lot more than usual, and I have started to see part of his old self come back. It almost feels normal

I like the idea you mentioned about leaving the conversation or interaction while it is still going good. I find I do still feel a bit rejected if things start going sour, and he becomes grumpy. The more that I read on this forum, I see that it is common for the WAS's to act this way, silent, distant and grumpy, with mood swings. I am trying not to take it personal. I have to keep telling myself it is not my fault as I tend to feel guilty about everything. Like perhaps I feel that I am holding him against his will to stay here. But that's silly because I know he could leave at any time if he wanted.

You are right that we have all never experienced anything like this before! It's a crazy feeling. I feel that I have started to realize how strong I am, for how I am dealing with everything. I think some of my friends think I am crazy for not taking more action with H, but I think that DB'ing is my best option right now, and that he would have been long gone if I hadn't started DBing.

[MileHigh]

"I think some of my friends think I am crazy for not taking more action with H, but I think that DB'ing is my best option right now, and that he would have been long gone if I hadn't started DBing."

I've gotten a lot of that. Although I've been surprised by some people who seem to be natural DBers (I have been good about not discussing details of our sitch, but people know we're separated). I actually sent my mom a couple of MWD's videos from YouTube and she said "I get it." My mom is great. :-)

[chasingpavements]

Aw, that's great dmr! I will have to check out your thread! It's great that you have your mom to talk to. Sometimes it's hard for me to know exactly what I should and shouldn't be doing when DB'ing. I've messed up a few times, but for the most part I think I am doing ok.

[Not Quitting]

I think some of my friends think I am crazy for not taking more action with H, but I think that DB'ing is my best option right now, and that he would have been long gone if I hadn't started DBing.

I know my friends think I'm crazy for not kicking H to the curb. But if there's still a chance of saving my marriage I'll do what ever I can to do so. Mi happen to still think H is worth it, even if my friends don't. They don't have to live with the outcome and none of them are friends with H so there's not likely to e any interaction between them in the future if things do work out.

We all do what we have to.

[RosaLinda]

CP "I like the idea you mentioned about leaving the conversation or interaction while it is still going good. I find I do still feel a bit rejected if things start going sour, and he becomes grumpy. The more that I read on this forum, I see that it is common for the WAS's to act this way, silent, distant and grumpy, with mood swings. I am trying not to take it personal."

It's hard to have to put up with CP, isn't it? Hard not to take it personally, when it FEELS so personal because the crabbiness is focused right in your direction. But I guess that's more a function of us being in a handy receiving position. 

The leaving while things are still happy and smooth works great if you can manage to grab the right moment to leave. I often get fooled and sucked into complacency by the normality of some of our interactions and forget to cut it short. He doesn't ALWAYS turn a pleasant conversation nasty or suddenly just leave. But when he does it is sudden and unexpected, and makes my head spin in wonder. Much better to leave while it's still pleasant, even if it's hard because you are enjoying it and want more. Maybe he'll be left wanting more too