My mother passed away Friday night. Her birthday was Wednesday, two days before. She was 91 and had been in a nursing home for about a year. Her health began to decline about three months ago.
My X and my mother had a stormy relationship while we were married. X has done a "rewrite" of history to some degree and mom mellowed towards her with time, health issues and age. I cannot help but feel some resentment toward X as the struggle over our children this past year has at times consumed me and distracted me from mother. I could never bring myself to tell my mother what X has done and that the children no longer lived with me. Mother lived with myself and the children for a few months before I decided I could not care for her and her safety was in danger in my home (fell twice, wandered away from home twice and some dementia).
Presently the children live with X 100% of the time and therefore did not see my mother as much as they would have if they lived with me 50% of the time as they previously did. I have chosen the counseling route and not to pursue court action at this time. Counselor believes this was the right choice and that the damage done by an ugly court battle (things got ugly enough already) would be much greater than any benefit that might be realized.
How do you tell an X they are not welcome at a funeral? I can see her acting all sincere in her caring and as if she has done nothing to bring me or my family pain this past year. There is also the potential for a "scene" between her and some of the other extended family members who are angry and have been hurt by her actions.
It has been a rough year with many changes.
I am tired.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you work it out so your X causes the least amount of disruption. Maybe attend visiting hours at a different time? Or ask them to schedule her to come in before or after the family is there. I'm sure the funeral home will work it out.
Aloha,
Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Sleeper, I am sorry to read that your mother passed away. I agree w/Wendy, i.e., speak w/the funeral home director and advise him/her of the situation and they can usually arrange visitation at different times for those who are not "really" welcome. They are use to doing things such as this.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks. Today is my birthday. I just realized its the first one I've had without my mother.
"Fear is the mind-killer" Muad'Dib Me 53, XW 44, DD 14, DS 12 Bomb and OM 12/15/06 Separated 01/02/07 Divorced 05/13/08 X married OM(OMH) 08/2009 Married 06/09/13
Happy Birthday! I hope that you are doing something special today. Even though your mother has crossed to the other side, she's still looking down w/a huge smile on her face.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Happy Birthday. I'm sure it doesn't feel like it this year but there will be other times to celebrate.
I'm very sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. It is never easy no matter how old she is. I think it's good you prevented her from lowing a lot of the bad things. Better for her.
I lost my own Mom a few years back while things were very bad with my ex. I told my dad how much I didn't want him at the funeral. My dad told me that every person should be free to extend their sympathy in whatever way they saw fit. Everyone would be made to feel welcome. I came to understand this.
My ex chose NOT to attend (out of guilt I expect) but he was torn apart. He did send all of. S sympathy cards & made a donation to Mom's church. That was decent.
Please focus on your on grief & that of your family. Your ex does not deserve any of your attention or time right now.