Surviving Separation

[slow_it_down]

One of my biggest concerns, not all that unlike the rest of the DBers on these boards, is that if I've done a good enough job of acting as if, having a PMA etc that my H will not know how I feel - that I'd still be open to a reconciling should his feelings change. However, unlike most of the people here my sitch isn't a traditional walk away spouse or someone in a straight MLC. Our breakups have always been a combo of him leaving and me pushing him away. I've often wondered how much he realizes the ball is in his court to come around if he wanted to. (vs thinking I don't want him here).

On Thursday when I had this immense feeling that I had to stop making reconciling our marriage the biggest focus of my time and energy I found that worrying that he didn't know he could come back was really keeping me from letting go.

It was time to change my approach so I could get some peace. So, I drafted an email... not for him, but for me. Simply put, I stated that I didn't see anything that has happened as making our marriage irreconcilably broken. I said I was ok letting him go because I accept that I'm not what he wants in his life. I put the ball very squarely in his court so I didn't have to worry about it anymore. I read it over about 100 times before sending to make sure it simply stated how I felt, telling him that I wasn't angry or holding onto anything against him while also making sure I didn't sound needy or like I was looking for any type of reply what so ever. I didn't ask him to come back, to work on things, nothing of that nature. Just that I'm not disappointed in him and that I don't think any less of him for the decisions that have been made.

Hitting send felt great. Being able to say that I cared but had accepted his choice felt wonderful. I woke up the next day and didn't even check my phone or email for a reply. I felt free to continue living my own life. Something about being able to honestly state my own feelings and being 'ok' with knowing it wouldn't be reciprocated or even acknowledged felt amazing.

Then something unexpected happened. He texted me during work regarding the email without actually saying anything about it (no response to it, just sort of acknowledging he got it) and then we texted back and forth for a bit about random topics like work and tv shows. He asked when my last day of work was before going on maternity leave. Its the first thing he's asked about me or my life in 3 months.

Then another unexpected thing happened. I kept the promise I made to myself the day before to stop spending so much time thinking about our sitch and to not let things like this suck me back into that place where it encompasses all of my mind. I've been forcing myself to visualize that big red stop sign and to concentrate on something else everytime I start thinking about our conversation Friday or about him.

Still, even if I'm feeling better and more detached I'm not sure what to do about texting. I'm generally always available and respond somewhat quickly when he texts me at work. I'm not the one initiating and I always feel like we are rebuilding some sort of connection when we have conversations even if they are sporadic every week or two.

Am I making myself too available or am I allowing us to rebuild our connection by responding? He knows I'm working and have never had a reason not to reply during the day since I have a flexible work arrangement, so not replying would indicate I'm mad at him (not that I'm mysterious or more involved in something else as would be the case if I wasn't replying in the evening or on weekends).

I also notice that he doesn't ever reach out on weekends. I'm ok with rebuilding things slowly, but I don't know how I feel about being someone he only has time for when he's at work and bored. And I most certainly am not reaching out to him on the weekend to see how he'd reply (if he'd be as carefree and nice as he is during the week) since the last time I did so I ended up with an angry girlfriend calling me on the phone.

So what should I do? Continue to reply readily to daytime texts or start really dragging out my reply times?