Well h and I talked again. We decided to d. I know this is only a week later but I can't take this back and forth any longer and he is still seeing ow. He said he was the one who went back. That really hurt.
MC told me that she told him that he needed to break it off with her if we d so his mind was clear when he went through it. I go to her on Wednesday so I will probably talk to her about it.
Funny thing is I know h still loves me. There were tears on both our parts and hugs. He told me he knows he is a bad person and he needs to get that right. He talked about being on a roller coaster. He also said he had a bad week.
I was the one that cut off the conversation because I promised d19 we would have a girls day before she went back to school. He said I'll call you later. I'm not sure why he said that. But I told him I was going with D16 and D21.
Really weird today. I am very sad that we are calling it quits. I know that we both still love each other and I know that someday he will come around and be sorry and I guess maybe I will too but I have given it my all and since no one can predict how much longer he is going to go through this I need to take care of me and girls. I think limbo land is hard on them too. I told him I just wanted him to be happy.
He said he feels like no one cares about him. Last week when he wasn't feeling good the girls didn't go see him or I guess didn't even check up on him. I did though but I don't matter. lol
What was also weird was that when he left our house he was wanting to go talk to his mom again. He said that he was upset that she didn't talk to him about things. I said she was trying to stay out of it and she did tell you what she thought. He said when she did he felt like he was being ganged up on. I also told him that no one can tell him what to do that he has to make his own decisions. He said he has always respected his parents.
So I don't know if they ever really got to talk. He also told me that he had been looking for a house. That is how crazy he is right now. I just know I'm done at the amusement park. I know going through this d is going to be hard and there will be a lot more tears shed.....on both our parts.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
I'm sorry that you have to go through this painful process but if this is your path you need to walk it.
I hope it gets easier for you with each passing day and that you will find joy in your heart soon
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
I will be thinking about you complicated. What gets me thru all this mess is my kids. They are the prize. Yes, I miss my H and want him to still come back. we too are in limbo...starting year 2. contact with ow is ongoing for him. Some days I want to get this over with and others I am patient to wait. I pray for a clear decision. I know in my heart I have not thrown in the towel so easily.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Our sitch has been going on for over 3 years. Otherwise I think I could have held on longer. He also keeps going back to ow. Back in May is when the a was revealed.
WBW, I have days like that too where I am patient and others where I am done. I think what did it was that he keeps going back to ow and he is still on his roller coaster. If I knew that I only had months left I could hold on but it could be another couple of years. I have no idea how much longer I would be going through this and even though I feel like I have detached as much as you can with kids, it still takes a toll.
How long do you think the a was going on before it was confirmed? It hurts doesn't it to know they don't seem to care about us or their kids. All they care about it themselves. Although they justify it by saying we pushed them to this.
It still would be a while until the d would be final even though everything was already done once. We started d 2 years ago and stopped it so most of the paperwork just needs to be updated. If he would come to realize he's making a mistake before it is complete I would still try to work it out.
He seems to be wanting validation to see if what he is doing is right. He said no one is talking to him.
If it is meant to be then maybe something will happen. Until then I have to move forward.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
Complicated, your strength is incredible. I am getting weary after 1 yr. our ages are similar as is the ages of our kids. I am starting year 2. I found out about the a last july(2012) I became aware of something being wrong may of 2012. I asked h to leave to go figure his stuff out. I have not detached. I am busy with my GAL. but I continue to look for and hope for any small sign that he will return. He says he does not want to. My h doesn't talk to anyone except ow. I said I am sure she gives great advice! I have seen an attorney. not what I want. not what kids want. How is the relationship between your girls and their dad?
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
wbw, Funny you should ask about their relationship. They don't tell him how they really feel. They just tell him they want him to be happy but in reality they are upset. The youngest d16 would not speak to him after she found out about the a but right now she can be bought and h will buy them.
It's funny. I don't think he wants a d. But I also know he is not ready to give up ow. He got upset yesterday because he said he doesn't feel loved by the kids and he remarked how he does everything for them. What he doesn't see is they want HIM. They want his attention. He blames me for making him be the one to move out of the house. I always tell him it was his choice and of course that just starts another argument.
Just keep working on you. The kids helped me get through this because I knew a d would not be good for anyone so I stood for as long as I could but it is getting harder and harder because I miss the companionship something awful. I have been lonely for a while. My kids are older and have their own things to do. I have GAL things but having a relationship is different in my opinion. I have spent over half my life with h and I miss that.
He definitely sees my changes but he isn't convinced they're here to stay and he is addicted to ow I think. Not to mention he is still really confused.
Does your h talk to the kids? My h still talked to the kids but more now than before. Do your kids know about ow? I didn't want mine to know but h told them.
Keep giving your h space. It is hard to detach too much when their are kids involved. I, like you am taking care of the house and most of the stuff with the kids. H always says "that was your choice". It was and I don't regret staying in the house with the kids.
wbw you can do it. Dig deep for patience. There are a lot of people who were able to stand longer than I did.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
thanks complicated. day by day. h wants to "talk" Wednesday. We agreed to talk before either of us proceeded with d.
I do think there is confusion. I think he too is addicted to ow and the no responsibility life that he sees so many of his co-workers having. They pay the bills, but don't parent.
I have kept my home very open to h. come whenever. see the kids whenever. Sadly this is starting to be less and less. They go to dinner or a movie. they don't talk about their feelings and h doesn't ask. s 19 is most bothered .He leaves next week to go back to school. they know about a because h told them. I did not want them to know.
I am starting a 12 month program in medical assisting. H knows I GAL. I have great friend and a great family. I pray a lot.It helps.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
wbw our sitchs are so similar it's scary. I've just been at this a lot longer.
Thing is I know he still loves me. The tears I saw in his eyes the other day were sadness. He is so confused. But I also think I have made it too easy for him.
He knows that I love him and that I want to keep the family together. I want him to know that I am not standing forever and I think standing for as long as I did was an accomplishment.
I also think that from now until the d he will continue to see how much I really have changed. At the same time I think his r with ow is there but not what it once was. Maybe he will wake up before it is final. A part of me feels bad that I'm not going to continue to stand for him while I know he is confused and hurting; but the other part of me is saying I have waited for you for so long. He also has not realized that he played a part in this.
He realizes he was wrong for having an a but still believes he was pushed.
When you guys talk Wednesday hopefully a lot will come out. Our conversations lately have been tearful. I think since we are dbing we keep our cool and can really see things for what they are - confused and hurting not knowing what to do.
Keep it up - you're doing great and really listen when you talk and make sure you validate what he is saying. I made sure to do that a lot when we talked the last few times and that is when I feel like I got a good glimpse of what's going on with him.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
So crazy! My H too is sad. I see it in his eyes. I know he's confused. He was just home early July saying he wants to work on us and he loves me. I know he does. I know to restore will require tremendous work. I understand he gets mad or short with me because of his guilt. H says he's just grown apart. He says he is on a different path. he admits he took us for granted, but he is still not willing to do anything about it. I know ow is still a strong addiction. I don't know much about ow. She lives in another city. works under him(a big no no) but he travels there once a month. she's 36, 2 kids. Do you know about ow in your case? I've gotten much better at listening, validating. I try not and put words in his mouth. I try and watch my smart aleck responses . I really cursed at him after he told our boys about affair. knew it was not good on my part and solves nothing. Wednesday I will remain calm. He wants a collaborative d. I will ask him if he asked the kids what they want. Right now, it is all about him. I will say not what kids and I want. I hope these men wake up! I really want my h to see this site and read some posts. I want him to realize what he is doing is so scripted!
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Thanks for stopping by my thread. I have been reading a little here and see that you are moving ahead just beyond where I am at, I told H he can have a D and he actually sounded insulted.
Quote:
I want to keep the family together. I want him to know that I am not standing forever and I think standing for as long as I did was an accomplishment
My H is the first to say I have made quite an accomplishment standing my ground, and I know he expects me to continue as long as he needs.
Do you ever feel like the stronger you get, and the more independent you are about GAL without him, the more he sees you as "being just fine"!
Your sound very strong, and in touch with what you need to do.
You sound like me really putting your kids first and trying to have fun with them. I only have one D19, but thank goodness we are freakishly close.
Your H's is so confused, and it is probably because he has a snake near his ear telling him what he needs to do. They are so smart, like a fox, those OP.
The R with the OP never stays as fun and fresh as when it started. Hopefully your H will come to realize it was a fantasy one day.
Stay strong...! Best, dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
