I do keep trying to determine if I want a friendship with X or more than that. But maybe that's looking too far ahead.
The truth is that I just want it to be different than our marriage. Yes we had many laughs, but she put me down alot, she shut me out alot. I became very scared of her. Making the wrong move. Walking on eggshells.
I played the victim because I was too fearful to communicate. I didn't express my wants clearly. I was eager to jump to conclusions and I was trained to assume the worst because assuming the positive just lead to too much heart-ache.
I don't want to do that anymore. I want a healthy relationship with her. Which is part of why I wanted to meet up with her. If she wants to be in my life, it has to be different. That's what I want to happen.. so what does that mean.
It means - not holding me at arms length and pushing me away when she scared.
It means not just checking in but doing life with me from time to time. I don't want spectators of my life, I want participants.
It means us discussing what is uncomfortable between us. Forgiveness is there - but so is the damage.
It means I need to live from this day forward and trust her for who she is now vs. who she was. Protecting my heart but continually realizing when fear and manipulation is there and confronting it head on.
It means work for both of us... and for two years she has said - no work on us.
But I would either like to work on a relationship of some kind or walk away. What I ask of her is something I ask of for all the people in my life who I feel like I have an attachment to in this way.
Because seriously.. my heart can't do anything else. Having relationships with people is what I have cherished the most the last two years. People have seen me at my worst, and still loved me through it. There is something very freeing about not worrying about being good enough or being perfect. There is something freeing about being vulnerable with one another and tackling the challenges in life.
After 10 years of knowing someone.. it's hard to just "catch up". We have deep conversations.. as if we were still in each other's lives to some degree.
Maybe that is what's comfortable for her.. but that's not what's comfortable for me because deep conversations usually come with a level of trust that I just don't have with her. It comes with a level of commitment from one another. An emotional bond is created.
So our conversations freak me out.. because she has stated that she doesn't want that in the past.. and I can't help but become more emotionally attached because of woman I have chosen to become.
It's not that the meeting is confrontational by any means because I don't think she is doing anything wrong.... but I really don't want an emotionally disconnected relationship with her. And if that is what she wants.. then I need to walk away.
Maybe one day I will be able to talk to her and feel nothing.. other than "it was a good chat" but that time is not now. I'm not detached enough for that. I don't know if I ever will be.
And that's why I think my pendulum swings.. because I know I need to do the work with her.. but I know she may not want to do the same.
I know that it's come down to two choices. It always has but the ball has entirely been in her court and she has made the decision.
Now the ball is my court and I have to be strong enough to make mine.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
