I don't have any advice to give regarding the phone conversation, but I think you handled your side of it very well!
Me: 27 H: 27 Together: 11, M: 3 S 2 BD: 06/24/13 Living together H: EA - unknown current status Read: DB, 5LL (slowly reading DR) Back and forth we go...
I want to comment on the "letters written by AP and approved by W." I too faced the exact same thing in my sitch. Based on language, grammatical usage, and choice of words, I knew that Ms. Wonka did not write these letters to me...I have a strong suspicion that the OW's mother wrote them on her behalf. When not necessary, I didn't respond to them. When it came to stuff about financials and the house, I responded with gritted teeth.
Now that Ms. Wonka is initiating more and more texts, I respond to them because I know without any doubt that they DO come from her. So it can be a challenge to navigate through this aspect of interacting with a WAS whose OP is somewhat involved in the background.
WTG about enrolling in university!!! I am in favor of higher education for a host of reasons. Making new friends, learning new stuff, and making MORE money.
With that I can't let you off that easy even though you say you know why you contacted her...
Why do you still feel you need validation from your SBXW? Does she define your successes for you?
My self-esteem is still disabled by thoughts of the OW. I haven't yet gotten past that feeling of being "less" or "not as good as". It's been very difficult for me to detangle my self-worth from my SBXW's perception of me. What was once a sense to make her proud in a loving M, after the affair became; make her proud and she will love me again. It's been so difficult to sever that tie and heal the wound.
Mine was, as it's referred to in some circles, "The Ultimate Betrayal", in that not only was I betrayed by my spouse, I was also betrayed by a very good friend(the OW). I think because of this, because I know this woman so well, the inevitable obsession that we all feel with the OP... to compare ourselves, to see them, to know them... None of that was a mystery for me. I know her extremely well. My mystery came from the fact that I couldn't fathom my SBXW ever being attracted to or loving this woman. Absolutely mind-boggling. So then "it must be me" mentality set in.
I am not nearly as bad as I used to be. I am getting stronger and I do see my growth and feel my worth. But I fumble. Like I did in that contact scenario. I do feel the balance of power over my emotions shifting in my control. I'll get there.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
I have hidden everything from my neighbors. Our friends. "oh... W is on a work trip"... yada yada. They believe it because it was true for so long. I told our very good friend and neighbor that I was embarrased for the street to find out. She said, "You don't have to tell them she left you or she had an affair... just say your splitting up."
I tried that. Just now my next door neighbor came over and question after question... "we are splitting up". more, more, more inquiry and then my shame took over. I selfishly? protected myself and spewed my private marital business. UUUUGGGHHHHH! Then when she tried to comformt me in the way anyone would with... oh... you don't deserve that... oh... you can never trust her again. BOOM! I went into protect W mode. Justifying and rationalizing what her choices were that have hurt me.
This is a VERY big freaking hurdle and one that I had not prepared myself for. I am disappointed in myself for, in a sense, bashing my SBXW to make myself look better or more desirable. I wasn't ready for this. I failed.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
listening to a NPR interview with some woman who made billions of dollars after creating some female girdle type undergarment . She said all of her success came because her father sat at the dinner table once a week and asked his kids what they failed at that week. .......
How do you expect to grow if you don't hit that rough patch?
Your stbx isn't growing, isn't getting stronger and look at the cluster she put herself in.
Take your lumps now..........you will bethe one happy and laughing later- trust me
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
RT, Overall - very well done on the phone conversation. You didn't let your emotions take over. That is not easy stuff.
People will have their opinion. You will have yours. It's important to surround yourself with loving people. People who have grace that your heart is hurt, but can also help you protect it whilst you rebuild.
And I agree with Positivespin. I don't think any of us had a first "splitting up"conversation that actually went well.
But you learn and grown and it gets easier and better.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
A nice way of putting up a stiff arm against nosy neighbors or people you don't really want to know your sitch is by saying, "W and I are hitting a rough patch. We're trying to work through it. Thanks for your concern."
You hold the power in your hands and use it wisely! And most importantly, be gentle with yourself as your inner child cannot handle those harsh self-criticisms. ((RT))
JOURNAL: Today I am mad. I am sad. I am angry at her. This morning I got a call from one of her older brother's and his wife (together on the phone). They called to tell me that they love me. That they are thinking of me and praying for me and that even though they have to support W regardless of her choices that I am still their family and they want me to be a part of their lives. I cried. It felt so bittersweet.
Then I got a text message from my W's mother. She was asking about a bottle of wine and where can she get it. I answered her. Then she asked if she and my W's father need to come down and look after my W for a while. AHHHHHHHH! She hasn't told them!!!!!! She's been living with AP for two weeks and she hasn't told her parents. They don't even know we were having problems.
I texted W asking her to call me. I didn't want to ignore my ML but it's also W's place, not mine, to have that conversation with them.
W called me. I told her about her mom's text. W had some problems with her knee and was laid up. She has been on the phone with them but they think she is at home with me. For crying out loud. AAAAHHHHHHH!
I texted ML back and said W was fone and was about to call her.
So ridiculous. So aggrivating. So sad. So many people are affected by infidelity and divorce. It's such a selfish thing to do to a family.
On top of all that emotion, I am sitting on the knowledge that AP may be cheating on my SBXW again. She was seen with her XGF last month. They spent the day together with some other people I know riding motorcycles. AP was on the back of her ex's bike all day. The people they were with thought they had "gotten back together." I am SOOOOOOO NOT TELLING.
I am so angry at my W right now and feel sorry for her all at the same time. It's a weird push of emotions I'm having today.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Onward and forward. I rearranged the furniture in my bedroom this morning and all of my SBXW's clothes and shoes are officially packed in boxes and in the garage.
It's been difficult to push myself forward, especially with her trying to hold me in LimboLand. I just keep repaeating to myself. What is... she woke up in AP bed. What is... she will go to bed in AP bed. Nothing that she says, or cries on the phone matters. Actions. Actions. Actions.
Deep breathe.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
