wow you to have expectations and so on. i USED TO have some hope-nmaybe i still do since i'm still here. but more like i realize i'm dragging my feet in "ending it all" myself.
had little revelation this morning. very early- h came back from tennis w/a friend we both know forever. guy came in- we get chatting about this or that- he's a story teller- long winded. we laugh alot tho. SOOOO HE'S Leaving and he asks h s omething- gets the stardard grunt answer- adn then he carries on joking a bit about the 1 or 2 grunt answers - no words and/or using the same ONLY six words to communicate- it's always been thus (??!!) i guess i was kidn of surprised to remember he treats EVERYONE IN THE WORLD like crap pretty much - not just me. i justh appen to be in the "rest of the world" group now instead of the one "most fabvored" column. God! what an m.o. in life.
AND THEN at flea market- another tennis appt. called him- he was barking and $hitty sounding- what a voice- can he ever realize how he sounds and hyow he treats people. if he were "just a friend" to me- i swear, i'd just drift right out of his life . no kidding. once before he said we were friends- and i was amazed and said so. i would not have a friend that treats me like this. talks like this -
sad to realize it huh? don't know about whatever it is that holds me here still- to him still (a bit anyway) enough to stop me...
ANYWAY- IT MADE ME REALIZE ALLOVER AGAIN - you are right and i do really know it- THIS W HOLE MLC is not about me and not my fault. he will hapily blame everything in the universe on me. oh yeah- he woke up too early this morning - of course he implied it was me that woke him up----- it never ends.
anyway- how can two (well, one really - h) sane adults buy into this really stupid absurd reality???? i am asking you.
as he talks my brain is saying - "of course - what else".
however- he's been sooo unhappy and acting badly for sooo long- i wonder why he doesn't wonder why he's not a happier guy by now- with all this separation from me under his belt.
apparently he has no clue it's him notme. doesn't spell success for ever crawling out of his tunnel while i'm at the other end - i know that.
like dawn - i may have my door cracked- but i don't think it's gonna do a darn bit of good for waaay too long for me to ever stick it out all the way. \ i did (do) have to do it at my own pace tho- like rest of my life - i don't think i'm going to begin revisiting decisions and finding the holes in them - water under that bridge my dear..
just thinking out loud this minute- glad he walked out of the house just now- don't give a darn what time he comes back-
OH YEAH- WERE YOU ASKING -COMMENTING ABOUT the here vs gone thing????
i find when he's gone i'm more lonely and feel bad-ish- particularly in evenings when there's nobody to "play with" or even a body in the house - and then those old "notions" might creep in and i'm more likely to cut him a break and be sentimental. (and i sleep waaaay worse - night think-fests that keep me sleepless)
when he's here in my face- and i'm forced to deal every minute with his presence and this big disconnect - i have less patience with it and am less kind about it in my mind. i'm a stinking person- i deserve to be treated nicely only becasue i treat him so- that is all. on a strictly impersonal basis - i think people deserve some human dignity & to be treated with good manners.
I sleep better when he's here- don't know if it's only lifetime habit or something else - security. i know- get a dog-
EVERY SINGLE TIME HE GOES - it's stressful & hard and uncomfortable. in the extreme -
SAME FOR WHEN HE'S coming and i'm kind of dreading it- unknnown anxiety symdrome - uas...
I reckon it could be the very last time we part on a normal basis and still plan to see each other again - EVER. every single time he says he's coming up there - i am surprised a bit becasue i figure he'll finally ever get guts and walk out on me and "it all". no kidding- it's the worse part i think.
i am convinced in life that anyone of us is capable of almost anything- given the right set of circumstances. soo all that $hit of "oh - i know you, you wouldn't do x y or z" is total bs to me. he and my mom both are soooooo SURE OF ME. i am not that sure of me-
i am not even sure sometimes of what i am capable of given the right sitch. i think really- i am capable of things these guys would never in a miillion years could do- trhey're too chicken-ie. me- i've got some ruthless streak in there - it exists and kind of fortifies me- when the chips are really down - i fight. (of course sometimes it's after i've gone thru the long and laborious process of giving everyone/thing second,3rd, 50th chances-)
blam... i make soem decision and it is a never look back kind of thing.
oh well- so neutral ole me rite now-
did anyof that make sense or anser any qyuestions??? it would seem that alot of the time (well, those two women i know) who followed their gut reactions- managed to wait it out and retrieve their marriages. just using their own common sense and dedication.
idk- i wish i had your "expectations". i find myself thinking h could be teh very small paercent that never ever look in that mirror - never ever ever look inside- etc.
i 'm outta here. gotta be something more uplifting thatn thinking over this crappola ... rite? like ANYTHIGN...
..OO IT'S GONNA BE FUN TO MEET UP - NO KIDDING. NOW WE have to figure how to drag dawn down from ohio...
