yeah- trusting. what was that again???? what i am now- dawn.
IT IS NOT ME. IT IS stressful to go around being not-me in response to not-h.
well, let me say it's getting easier- but then i realize i'm walkin around not talkign- not makign contact - and i think yuck- what an awful way to be and to treat another person and what if it sticks and i becom this - like him- terse- self-involved (only) - ALLLLL ABOUT ME.
it's such a weird life- i would LOVE to just feel like i can be me- and be liked for it. i think that's the big deal with me- he's not awful- but he's not nice or feelin affection for me either-
i still hate it- i'm not sure we ever get rid of that feeling- the resentment at being replaced as the object of their affection.
i know- pma- gal- etc. got it- doin it- BUT - not feelin any magic about it-
life seems too short to live this way. i think i am honestly and sadly reachign same point as you-
HOWEVER - UNLIKE YOU- i have not one shred of faith in anything h says- particularly financial. he's said and even signed a little note - saying he would never force me to move out of nj house- i could always have a roof over my head.
i thnk - probably as they date and get back in the mainstream of other lives- they need money for it- THEIR LIFE - AND will forget i exist probably.
it's something i cannot bank on- i worry ab it about your h - and him doing or being the same. it's that darn thing i read bout d and man's income goes up like 45% or something like that and the woman's goes down like 65%. THAT WORRIES ME.
I'M Not at all fancy- i do like to eat sometimes and so forth. only soo many corners that one can cut and still exist.
anyway- otherwise can feel self detachign- heart does not rip open when i even think of him w/ow. that's something - rite?
i kind of hate to let go and not feel the pain- it signifies something like caring- what if when that is gone i really do not want to ever see his face again- what if what if wat if - huh? no answers are there?
don't have much to say this a.m- philosophical bout it when he's around allll the time. the dysfunction in my face minute to minute- it's soo wierd. can see how you've gotten to here- want away no matter what.
hope your day is a good one- oh yeah- i forgot your h has done a big spin & turnaround- what is new with that i wonder- i'll go look at your thread. the uncertainty must drive you up a wall -
