NERO FLOATING- throw that line.....

[albamarie]

Yea, join Fb first name Nero, last name DB. Play with your settings making them all for friends only, and look us up. I'm Db marie just friend request me. There are great privacy settings. My profile pic is a bouquet of pink flowers.

try it if you don't like it deactivate it. There are people you know.

We are so broken, that's why I don't understand how you reconcile or how do you even know if it's a real reconciliation. Way too much assuming, and getting hope up, I won't do, I am standing for my right to be untrusting!

[nero]

hey hi-

yeah- trusting. what was that again???? what i am now- dawn.

IT IS NOT ME. IT IS stressful to go around being not-me in response to not-h.

well, let me say it's getting easier- but then i realize i'm walkin around not talkign- not makign contact - and i think yuck- what an awful way to be and to treat another person and what if it sticks and i becom this - like him- terse- self-involved (only) - ALLLLL ABOUT ME.

it's such a weird life- i would LOVE to just feel like i can be me- and be liked for it. i think that's the big deal with me- he's not awful- but he's not nice or feelin affection for me either-

i still hate it- i'm not sure we ever get rid of that feeling- the resentment at being replaced as the object of their affection.

i know- pma- gal- etc. got it- doin it- BUT - not feelin any magic about it-

life seems too short to live this way. i think i am honestly and sadly reachign same point as you-

HOWEVER - UNLIKE YOU- i have not one shred of faith in anything h says- particularly financial. he's said and even signed a little note - saying he would never force me to move out of nj house- i could always have a roof over my head.

i thnk - probably as they date and get back in the mainstream of other lives- they need money for it- THEIR LIFE - AND will forget i exist probably.

it's something i cannot bank on- i worry ab it about your h - and him doing or being the same. it's that darn thing i read bout d and man's income goes up like 45% or something like that and the woman's goes down like 65%. THAT WORRIES ME.

I'M Not at all fancy- i do like to eat sometimes and so forth. only soo many corners that one can cut and still exist.

anyway- otherwise can feel self detachign- heart does not rip open when i even think of him w/ow. that's something - rite?

i kind of hate to let go and not feel the pain- it signifies something like caring- what if when that is gone i really do not want to ever see his face again- what if what if wat if - huh? no answers are there?

don't have much to say this a.m- philosophical bout it when he's around allll the time. the dysfunction in my face minute to minute- it's soo wierd. can see how you've gotten to here- want away no matter what.

hope your day is a good one- oh yeah- i forgot your h has done a big spin & turnaround- what is new with that i wonder- i'll go look at your thread. the uncertainty must drive you up a wall -

good luck today man-

xxo

[RosaLinda]

Hey Nero!  Glad you're hanging in down there in sweaty old FL. You stay there as long as you want, two weeks, three weeks - it is YOUR home too. 

"i wonder how i'll feel when i say i'd rather plan to stay down here anotehr week or two and he turns white and tehn tells me he just HAS TO go visit ow"

I wish you would stop saying you expect H to announce he's taking a field trip to visit OW. You've been predicting this since his aunt was discharged from the hospital, and it hasn't happened yet! There is nothing to be gained from trying to mindread someone in MLC; it's like trying to read your tea leaf fortune in a glass of crystal light - there ain't nothing there!

Living off and on with H like you do must be hard. I've always wondered which is worse - with or away - and you are the perfect one to 'splain it to us. So slip on T^2's goggles and white lab coat and give us your opinion. I would be truly grateful. 

Remember telling us how surprised you were when your friend told you that 
H had a MLC and she was ready to jump ship but got delayed by a hurricane and reconciled in the meantime? I  At work yesterday someone told me a similar story. Well not including a hurricane of course, but about her friend who "went crazy" and started cheating on her husband and got all new friends and spent thousands of dollars on clothes and vacations alone. She said her friend's face changed and she did.bot look like herself. The friend had a horrible childhood with sexual abuse. She doesn't know what happened in the meanwhile, but she and the husband are together again after almost six years. 

I know each MLC is different and guess I do have expectations that my H will start to get out of this tunnel in the next year. Two more....yikes. I just wish replay would be over already. 

Dawn - don't tell every one your secret facebook identity! It's a secret, just give a clue!

Nero we can meet at a park or restaraunt, anywhere you want. Don't stress over dust - I wouldn't want my MIL's name written in my dust but maybe a big smiley face would be cheery. Deep dust might be handy for jotting down notes!

[uRworthy]

Hey Nero, I so understand about the fear of the financial stuff.

You can always join me in the tent I will be living in soon. LOL!

I know acting this way this goes against who you are, my friend. It is so hard, isnt it?

The thing is it is so difficult accepting that this doesnt have anything to do with you. It really doesnt.

He is broken. And because of that, he cant see past his own nose.

Can I suggest you speaking with a lawyer? The first consult is free. Maybe you can ask whether the note is enough. It doesnt hurt to get some knowledge.

Nero, you will know without a doubt when you are done. I dont think you are there yet.

And Rosa is right. It doesnt serve you well to be waiting for when or if he may tell you he is going to see her.

You are a beautiful soul, Nero. It shines through. I am sorry he cant see that right now. But all of us do.

[nero]

heyhi-

first off - if you guys want to come to mhy humble home you are certainly more than welcome- it's a mish mash of things i love or find interesting or have made or painted or whatever -

no one can say it is not interesting...... and yes, i would happily feed ya too-

OOOOR - WE CAN MEET WHEREEVER. im open on it all - me and life at the moment - "open" but (getting tired and impatient iof t.

I GUESS I SPECULATE AND TRY TO PREPARE MYSELF IN ADVANCE adbout him and ow because he said it back a month or so ago- and so i assume it will come if i'm here long enough- and i will have to react and hopefully be mentaLLY PREPARED TO BE all cool and WHATEVER...

and then again - BECAUSE no matter what the heck happens in life (like my stupid sister just nailing me for a ride from airport- she of all people is a pro at asking for favors - whatever she needs at the moment- and never ever "having time" to do a darn thing herself in retruern) sooo sscrewie me - . and whattya think????? dopey old me avoided her calls last nite because she was flying in yesterday- and this morning- KA BAM- SHE'S FLYING IN TODAY AND WHO DO YOU THINK said okay about ride??????

and was i surprised??yesss and the rotten things i was thinking in my head made me even nicer on teh phone because i felt soooo shabby & dishonest- i swear- if i could ever shove away this guilt and neurosis i MIGHT BE A NORMAL WOMAN.

one lives in hoep huh?? oh well

[nero]

hey hi-

wow you to have expectations and so on. i USED TO have some hope-nmaybe i still do since i'm still here. but more like i realize i'm dragging my feet in "ending it all" myself.

had little revelation this morning. very early- h came back from tennis w/a friend we both know forever. guy came in- we get chatting about this or that- he's a story teller- long winded. we laugh alot tho. SOOOO HE'S Leaving and he asks h s omething- gets the stardard grunt answer- adn then he carries on joking a bit about the 1 or 2 grunt answers - no words and/or using the same ONLY six words to communicate- it's always been thus (??!!) i guess i was kidn of surprised to remember he treats EVERYONE IN THE WORLD like crap pretty much - not just me. i justh appen to be in the "rest of the world" group now instead of the one "most fabvored" column. God! what an m.o. in life.

AND THEN at flea market- another tennis appt. called him- he was barking and $hitty sounding- what a voice- can he ever realize how he sounds and hyow he treats people. if he were "just a friend" to me- i swear, i'd just drift right out of his life . no kidding. once before he said we were friends- and i was amazed and said so. i would not have a friend that treats me like this. talks like this -

sad to realize it huh? don't know about whatever it is that holds me here still- to him still (a bit anyway) enough to stop me...

ANYWAY- IT MADE ME REALIZE ALLOVER AGAIN - you are right and i do really know it- THIS W HOLE MLC is not about me and not my fault. he will hapily blame everything in the universe on me. oh yeah- he woke up too early this morning - of course he implied it was me that woke him up----- it never ends.

anyway- how can two (well, one really - h) sane adults buy into this really stupid absurd reality???? i am asking you.

as he talks my brain is saying - "of course - what else".

however- he's been sooo unhappy and acting badly for sooo long- i wonder why he doesn't wonder why he's not a happier guy by now- with all this separation from me under his belt.

apparently he has no clue it's him notme. doesn't spell success for ever crawling out of his tunnel while i'm at the other end - i know that.

like dawn - i may have my door cracked- but i don't think it's gonna do a darn bit of good for waaay too long for me to ever stick it out all the way.
\
i did (do) have to do it at my own pace tho- like rest of my life - i don't think i'm going to begin revisiting decisions and finding the holes in them - water under that bridge my dear..

just thinking out loud this minute- glad he walked out of the house just now- don't give a darn what time he comes back-


OH YEAH- WERE YOU ASKING -COMMENTING ABOUT the here vs gone thing????

i find when he's gone i'm more lonely and feel bad-ish- particularly in evenings when there's nobody to "play with" or even a body in the house - and then those old "notions" might creep in and i'm more likely to cut him a break and be sentimental. (and i sleep waaaay worse - night think-fests that keep me sleepless)

when he's here in my face- and i'm forced to deal every minute with his presence and this big disconnect - i have less patience with it and am less kind about it in my mind. i'm a stinking person- i deserve to be treated nicely only becasue i treat him so- that is all. on a strictly impersonal basis - i think people deserve some human dignity & to be treated with good manners.

I sleep better when he's here- don't know if it's only lifetime habit or something else - security. i know- get a dog-

EVERY SINGLE TIME HE GOES - it's stressful & hard and uncomfortable. in the extreme -

SAME FOR WHEN HE'S coming and i'm kind of dreading it- unknnown anxiety symdrome - uas...

I reckon it could be the very last time we part on a normal basis and still plan to see each other again - EVER. every single time he says he's coming up there - i am surprised a bit becasue i figure he'll finally ever get guts and walk out on me and "it all". no kidding- it's the worse part i think.

i am convinced in life that anyone of us is capable of almost anything- given the right set of circumstances. soo all that $hit of "oh - i know you, you wouldn't do x y or z" is total bs to me. he and my mom both are soooooo SURE OF ME. i am not that sure of me-

i am not even sure sometimes of what i am capable of given the right sitch. i think really- i am capable of things these guys would never in a miillion years could do- trhey're too chicken-ie. me- i've got some ruthless streak in there - it exists and kind of fortifies me- when the chips are really down - i fight. (of course sometimes it's after i've gone thru the long and laborious process of giving everyone/thing second,3rd, 50th chances-)

blam... i make soem decision and it is a never look back kind of thing.

oh well- so neutral ole me rite now-

did anyof that make sense or anser any qyuestions??? it would seem that alot of the time (well, those two women i know) who followed their gut reactions- managed to wait it out and retrieve their marriages. just using their own common sense and dedication.

idk- i wish i had your "expectations". i find myself thinking h could be teh very small paercent that never ever look in that mirror - never ever ever look inside- etc.

i 'm outta here. gotta be something more uplifting thatn thinking over this crappola ... rite? like ANYTHIGN...

..OO IT'S GONNA BE FUN TO MEET UP - NO KIDDING. NOW WE have to figure how to drag dawn down from ohio...

[albamarie]

Ohio...Really Nero! Chicago! YOur soo funny! I love reading your posts. I gotta love my Nero!

Ok, your not going to end up behind DD in Fl. He's not trying to devastate your life style as far as how you live. He removed himself, he has no intentions of uprooting you.

You and I have these crazy imaginations believing they were off drinking champaign by the pool while reciting love sonnets to OW. Now you see that he is an ass to everyone, who would you think he does a 180 for her, he doesn't.

My H over the last few weeks has been saying stuff like, it's not fun anymore w EA and crowd, I do admit there was some fantasy stuff about it and the beer and pot did enhance that, my anger is not the same, and several times now he has been saying he wants to stop talking to her, he's says it more often and within shorter times each time.

Your guy doesn't talk so Nero, read him, sit back and listen to some of the stuff he has said again, and watch him, let his actions speak. He said he would never put you out, he wants you around, helps your mom, and so far has not left for OW, maybe your giving him a reason not to run over there, cause your so great and all!

[mizjjd]

Hey nero et al!

I'm in Ohio - maybe the wires got crossed re: me and Dawn.

Idk if I prefer my H here or away. I feel like when he's gone I'm on "break" but if he's gone for more than 3 or 4 days at a time then I don't like that either. But maybe I'd get used to that too, if it was more frequent.

Nero your H must be King too. For right now he has what he thinks he wants so why make a change? It will surely come down to you saying "enoughs enough" and making a change of your own.

"They" say we'll know when we're done. Just a race to see who gets "done" first, us or the MLCers.

Take care Keep watch on your sanity and health.

[nero]

hey hi-

what the heck, i am sooolousy at geography- oh yeah- illionis - what the heck was i thinking? ya have to wonder.

you know- i wish you were right. i wish h would just talk- i am sooo tired "figuring out" on my own what the heck is going on arund me. that's the problem with me and big pain and big betrayal- i can't apply all my usual optimism to him anymore- i feel compelled to "expect the worst" all the time because i maybe laying myself open to more of the same if i don't. sooo- here's me - ALWAYS thinking and expecting the worst of him. oh well


i used to "not believe" this was h, it is so NOT the person he was. when i was in "most favored" seat. i just don't see how we can be around each other and he's soooo "not involved" - it's like living in a fog world- we're just shadows of selfs passing each other- sitting in car- i don't feel free to just talk anymore- and he doesn't.

maybe it's allll me feeling differently- and it used to be like this- i don't think so tho - i think i've still got enough of a brain to know what i'm receiving from people.

i miss warmth - i miss affection - i miss laughing alot - i miss that old r - allll of it. i wish to God my h would say his ow is not so fun, etc.- the stuff you hear. even if it were lies- it would be him TRYING something.

you give my H alot of credit here- honestly- i feel bad to say it out loud- but i'm sure all he wants is me gone so he can have his private old life here- so he can jiggle his winkie and dance around in front of his screen and skype with his old love-cow and she probably wiggles what she's got and they ahve a festival of love...... OH LOOOOVE - TREUUUUUUE LOVE. maybe they make their - uh hem - "goodies" talk and say things to each other- maybe they have names -

i can think of a few - maybe "ralph" and "alice" - you know- the honeymooners.... eeeeeek....

hellooo alice - ralph here - jiggle jiggle - like, maybe paint a face on it??? ya think

oh man- i'm grossing myself out - well, laughing but grossing myself out too -

IDK DAWN- i don't think i'm ever gonna swallow and get past the notion these two jerks have been commiserating about their star-crossed lover sitch for the past 30 yrs & lifetime- and now they LLLLOOOOOVE EACH OTHER SOOOOOO MUCH- makes me want to hrow up when i think of it- HOWEVER - IF I'M NOT thinking of it- i want to jsut roll my eyes at the stupidity of it all-

NOW - HOW WOULD ONE GATHER UP - PACK AND TAKE ALLLL THIS junk somewhere else- and what the heck would i do with it all when i got there? anyway? nj house is plenty full of whatever -

i keep thinking - GET RID OF IT ALL- then i thnk of dopey old H saying- what the hell - you can pack up and move in a weekend if you wanted to- just wait til you want to (or something like that).

it's sure a dopey life here. my mother on phone keeps asking me whan i'm coming back . i sure resent her blobbing onto me like this- she has no right- (well, so i feel anyway). who the hell made me her dogsbody & nursemaid????? or even entertainment committee?????

somehow she figures because i'm her kid i OWE it to her.

had a good visit with an old friend yesterday. she called outta blue at a moment when i was here cooling my heels doing nothing in particular - so drove away in a cloud of dust to go visit. h sitting here waiting for his next tennis gig. - haven't seen each other down here in quite awhile. it was fun. always good to know the good old buddies are out there. always good to have somewhere new to go and just leave him sitting here. it doesn't matter to him- but it's a good gesture anyway. think i'll do it again today- even if i go cruise the mall.

it's good to think of school starting. i have a problem with the getting up at 5a.m. when it's the highschool - but if i don't give myself extra time to cruise into day- i'm a miserable specimen. makes me want "new school cloths" just like when you're a kid. i figure if i can find nice black jeans that one can't tell are jeans- all i have to do is change my shirt, sweater, blazer forever - who the heck will even look at what the bottom of my body is doing - rite??? it's fun to dress up- just like old times.

i dunno - i'd say i'm dispirited but resigned here. MAYBE you're rite about reading his actions- but that's how i got in this jam in the first place. i'd tell myself he's crabby because missed the cigaretts, was stressed over retiring- his dad being sick, age, etc- sooooo i'd cut him slack- accept it - work around it- because he paid the bills adn bought food , etc. all kind and generous things.

BUT this business of allll the affection going elsewhere- all the attentiveness - all the FUN being with someone else- well, you know- it bums me out. my h doesn't seem to ever TRY like yours. even if it were a ploy and he was trying to worm his way back into my good graces. can hye think it's all OKAY with me - ???? does he care???? he's still got his stupid spiel about has to snigger about marriage watching tv shows- has to make rtty comments about not believing in apologizing (again- watching tv) - such an A$$ - so like he STILL HAS TO pick at those scabs - still needs to wants to get a rise out of me about it all- WHY????? WHY WOULD HE BOTHER- THIS i can't "read".

well, i take it back- my read on that is that he wants to let me know for sure that i'm crappola to him- he's not changing one darn thing about himself for me- i can go scratch - he's got ow now- is happppyyyyyyyyyyy as can be now and i'm not part of it.

honestly- that's my read. all the rest- idk- i don't think he knows. i HONESTLY DO think he's nuts- and perhaps he's working thru his insanity and tragedies of his youth- i don't give a damn about him and his problems anymore.

just floating along- i'm outta here- see- i'm boring the hell out of myself even thinking about him, and his crappola.

BOOOOORRRRRRRING - BOROOGIN TO ME THINKING BOUT BORING OLD HIM AND HIS NEUROSIS- FIX YOURSELF MAN- GET STRAIGHT- GET THE HECK GOING- be something new- DOOOO something new- his whole life is a stupid tennis game - a stupid card game on computer- i'm dying of boredom around here- that's what's going on -

how the heck do you "read" something from a person with his face stuck to a stupid computer??? i'm askin ya????? he needs to grow up - get real and appreciate what he (had) -

oh well huh????? i wish to God i felt so great and all-

well, actually i am- but he is apparently still blind to my charms- i'm croaking from lack of affection here. honestly-

last nite we went to lowes to find a stinking peice of pipe and i found myself thinking i need to get a job at a local hardware store- lots of people and men coming in and out-

i really miss a better social life. !! OH YUEAH- i DO NOT THINK AT ALL that it's me that's keeping him from ow. idk what- maybe his stupid aunt- but for sure- it ain't because he3 looooves me soooo much. would stake my life on it- probably his fear of a "fight" - which means me saying anything in the world other than "why certainly dear- you're so cute- do whatever pleases you".

we sure have a bad m.o. going on with the not being able to just talk and have opinions like normal people - feels like a thousand years since we could just talk and be honest with each other and it be okay. . how could it all get sooooo bad??/ ya gotta wonder-

okay- just ranting. i hope you're right- and i'm here for some reason standing away like some doofball-

ya gotta wonder...

have a great day- i think mine will be okay. those little things he's said- the good things- it's like finding a grain of rice at the beach- there are a few - they're infintesimally small- they're well hidden- i'm not sure they mean a damn thing and they're hard as heck to recall while the bad several things are HUGE - LIKE A STINKING CAR PARKED ON MY FOOT. uh hem- could you move it please???

somehow the bad things stay enormous - and the tiny little good things shrink and become unfindable. and would i be very smart or very very foolish to hang onto them???

you know what i mean??? little heart in a little iron clad box here- shielded we hope from the kryptonite

xxo

[RosaLinda]

Oh Ms. Nero, your posts always make me laugh a little, cry a little and think a LOT!

"i miss warmth - i miss affection - i miss laughing alot - i miss that old r - allll of it. i wish to God my h would say his ow is not so fun, etc.- the stuff you hear. even if it were lies- it would be him TRYING something. 
BUT this business of allll the affection going elsewhere- all the attentiveness - all the FUN being with someone else- well, you know- it bums me out. my h doesn't seem to ever TRY like yours. even if it were a ploy and he was trying to worm his way back into my good graces. can hye think it's all OKAY with me - ???? does he care????"

Me too Nero! I so miss hugs and necking and loving looks. Laughing together. Our relationship is so one sided. We talk when HE wants to talk, the rest of the time we are instructed to give them space by STFU. I miss being able to just share something funny I heard on the radio or remark about the weather or politics. I'm sick of having to STFU. 

There's this guy I work with, another nurse. He's D and knows I'm married but going thru a hard time. He seems to be on a mission to make me feel better about my self. He's always touching my hair or shoulder and tells me I'm so lovely and "a gift" and asking me to have coffee with him. It's so nice but I don't want him, I want my H to be saying those things to me. 

If some stranger can appreciate us, why can't our own Hs, the very people who love them the most in the world????

"i'm sure all he wants is me gone so he can have his private old life here- so he can jiggle his winkie and dance around in front of his screen and skype with his old love-cow and she probably wiggles what she's got and they ahve a festival of love...... OH LOOOOVE - TREUUUUUUE LOVE. maybe they make their - uh hem - "goodies" talk and say things to each other- maybe they have names - 
i can think of a few - maybe "ralph" and "alice" - you know- the honeymooners.... eeeeeek....
hellooo alice - ralph here - jiggle jiggle - like, maybe paint a face on it??? ya think"

oh good God you do make me laugh so! When my H is skyping with RT, his closed door feels like a reproach to me. I imagine them having all the fun and interesting conversations WE used to, whispering how much they love each other and want to be together, laughing and joking. And arguing too, it's true. But jiggling their goods at each other? Holy cow. We are all 60 Nero. Our goods look much more appealing discretely covered!

Thanks for the laugh!

"somehow the bad things stay enormous - and the tiny little good things shrink and become unfindable. and would i be very smart or very very foolish to hang onto them???"

We just can't let this happen! Stay positive. Think about good and positive things! That's the only way to keep standing, I think. 

"we sure have a bad m.o. going on with the not being able to just talk and have opinions like normal people - feels like a thousand years since we could just talk and be honest with each other and it be okay. . how could it all get sooooo bad??/ ya gotta wonder- "

How DID it get so bad....will it ever get better again? I love my H so much and he feels NOTHING for me. Maybe less than nothing. It's like that nurse I told you about, showing me affection but I feel nothing for him. That is what my H feels for me   Nothing. And nothing I can do or say will ever change it. I can just wait and live and hope some day he changes his mind. But why would he? It doesn't make any sense to me today. 

We're getting ready to drive to our granddaughter's party and he's closed up in his room with the door shut. That means skype. Saying their fond good byes. She is the one he wants - that horrible manipulative user skank. 

And why would it ever change. I think I'm delusional sometimeS. is standing a waste of time.? I think I need to eat something to get out of this droopy mood!