OMG you know my wife! LOL. Sorry for the levity. Your situation is so close to mine that it isn't even funny. EXCEPT one thing. She has actually told someone what you would have to do in order for her to take you back. Which seems to mean that she is still OPEN to reconciliation.
A lot of this seems as my wife, she has her own self esteem issues which is a difficult thing to deal with for sure. And I personally find it taxing to deal with someone with self esteem issues. But LOVE somehow helps us over look this flaw.
never the less, Ok by what you said, she is VERY conflicted and to my uneducated mind seems that she is testing you more than anything else. Allow me to address the issues as follows.
1) Initially she was very angry and yelled at me that she wasn’t in love with me anymore and too little too late. She said there was a slight chance of her returning, but if I kept chasing her she’d run further away. So I stopped, I was scared silly. I didn’t want to lose her. I went dark.
You seem to have been on to something in going dark. Though I THINK you may have over compensated. Instead of going black perhaps GRAY might work a little better for you. Again, I am in the same sitch pretty much minus the OM (That I KNOW of) and the W even thinking of getting back together. So you SEEM to be in a better place. There is still hope.
I think an emotional baptism might be a mistake as it seems that it may put way too much pressure on her. How about just placing a single flower on her car. Like a yellow rose. So that in the morning when she leaves for work there it is. With a simple card that just says ME.
I think that little things like that in the sitch you find yourself in would go a lot further than some MAJOR event. And don't go overboard with that. Just once or twice.
Maybe have her favorite meal delivered to her at work. But space it out. Don't want to seem too over eager. And never mention anything to her about it. I do believe that she will contact you.
Also ALWAYS agree. AGREE with ANYTHING and everything she says. For instance. She says. "You never loved me!" Your natural reaction MAY be to say "But of course I did" Instead try saying. "You're so right. I never loved you the right way. The way I KNOW that you wanted/needed, and unfortunatly it took this to make me realize it. But thank you for helping me see the light."
I know it seems that you are being the whimp. But how can she argue with someone who is agreeing with her. Also you MAY find that she will start taking your side and defending you. You dropped your defenses and that will force her to drop hers. But you have to do it ALL the time. Chances are you will win!
I am guessing that once you have accomplished the hardest part, getting her into a place where she feels comfortable with the thought of you and her, and you have won her back by making the changes in yourself that then you can suggest some counceling to help her by pass her self-esteem and past relationship issues.
But please count yourself lucky that she has at least THOUGHT of getting back together with you. Remember the movie what about Bob? Well there is a deep message in there that you can take .... BABY STEPS.
Also the fear you mentioned may be because being a man you are doing what so many of us do and that is try and FIX the problem for her. When she talks to you do not ask her questions. Just agree with her. Look her in the eye if she is present with you and do not be distracted by anything else around you. Don't ask questions. She may see this as you challenging her when in your mind you may be trying to show her you care by getting as much information as you can on the subject. She wont see it that way. To her you are trying to be controlling.
Also NEVER NEVER NEVER bring up the OM... EVER. And this may be tough because our imaginations run wild. But don't do it. It shows jealousy. And that is WEAKNESS.
Again I say these things as things that I have learned from my own sitch. Difference is that in my case wife left and not even 10 days later filed the paperwork not to mention lied to me about having filed it. So you are still in pretty good shape.
The Im NILWY you thing is NOT the REAL reason. It NEVER is. Think of it this way if you will...
She says, I'm NILWY anymore. The first things you think to say is Why not? What happened? Well if she answers the questions, and you say OK I am willing/able to change those things then her reason for getting a D are now gone. So as best you can ignore that (For lack of better expression) How about saying to her, "Yes I know you aren't ILWM anymore and how can I blame you. I ALWAYS neglected you, I wasn't always very nice to you. I treated you like crap. And I am a terrible person for doing that to you. I don't blame you for how you feel. I would feel the same way also." Then just shut up. SCREAM it into your head SHUT UP!!!!!!!! Watch the look on her face. It will be priceless. Confusion and love both at the same time. You took the wind right out of her sails. She might even begin to defend you. I have been practicing this technique with a lot of different people these past couple of weeks, and I am AMAZED at the results.
What would it hurt to give it a try? Just do not over compensate. I hope you find SOME of this helpful. And I sure as hell hope that you have better success than I am having. But I think that you will since she has stated what it would take for you to win her back. Just remember You can buy a woman a 10 Caret diamond ring but it will NEVER mean half as much as the little ring you got for her from the gumball machine because that is all that you could afford when you asked her to be with you for the rest of your life.
But then again that might just be me. If you have any questions feel free to email me directly at dj@blackkatservers.com
