True trying, she has iniatiated a very few but, only when she needed something. However, she did out of the blue give me her new phone number for whatever reason a week ago. It's just me reflecting on the 3 months today that this has all began. Im tired of it and wish this never happened but reality is ugly. One morning your talking, having breakfast etc with/for your S to no contact all within a matter of a few hours? No talikng on phone no explanation...Seems to me as I look back to the beginning of this sitch there's no sense in the way she handled or did this. If I was physically or really mentally abusing her I could understand. If she cares about me as I suspect, what does this mean in the long term if anything? Okay, I'm done being stupid now......
Patience is a horrible word, but you've got to have lots of it It's only been 3 months! She is still in the early stages of separating from you and is probably still liking her single life. Give it a few months down the road and she may feel differently about her single life. What changes have you made to the new improved you? With me I suppose I've lost a bit of weight and never go out looking scruffy now. I've still got a long way to go to be the best that I can be and if he came back now, he'll probably get fed up again after a month because nothing's changed! Do you see where this is going? Think about what you can improve about yourself or the way you live. As I've said before, how would your W react if she walked through your door right now? Would she walk straight back out or would she want to stick around? Yes she probably does care about you, but not enough to live with you or make your marriage work. When they just leave like that, it s**ks big time! You are left wondering what you could've done better or what made her leave in the first place. My H has been gone 4 months now and although I'm in a better position than you, he still has left me to guess why he went! In the long term she could come back to you or she could not. You have to be prepared for both scenarios. I know you don't want to think about the latter scenario and neither do I This is why the 180 rules and GALs are put into place, to become a better you. ok I'm done nagging now
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
TIME, as you read in my normal welcome posts, it is a GIFT that you have been given.
PATIENCE, yes it is needed.
It is my experience that for your marriage to be reconciled, if that is what you are looking to do, that it will take a LOT of TIME. It may appear to you that it broke overnight,and I was certainly of the same opinion when I first arrived here that is not the likely scenario. The solution is not going to be quick.
When you make your changes you make them for YOU. Not to win your spouse back.
Let me also say the following with certainity. Almost all LBS's get to decide on the relationship in the end, and for those that have not yet gotton to decide, it is not yet the end.
Yup, most LBS are FIXERS, pursurers and looking for that magic button that they are going to press that will make this all better. It does not work that way.
Rick1963 was telling you to stop waiting for answers that may never come. I am saying the answers will come but not in your timeframe.
I hope that helps.
Keep asking questions, I will check in again later.
Hi again Cadet, Thanks for posting. I will ask of you some things here. You mention time is the gift she has given me. The problem there is As of 10/01 she will be eligible to file for D, whether she does or not is not certain. I also understand that it would actually be better if she actually showed anger towards me which would indicate feelings. At this point I get no emotions from her. This would indicate a complete lack of care correct? Therefore, I cant foresee your very interesting statement about how almost all LBS's get to determine the end result. I wonder how you come to that thought also? Patience is so damn difficult but right now I'm keeping quiet and only responding to anything she might email. Which has been nothing in over a week. Are you of the opinion I stay no contact unless contacted by her and if so how long should no contact go if she stops emailing me completely? Weeks? months? As I said earlier today is the 3 month mark since we seen each other or spoke on the phone. Earlier that fateful morning we were talking having breakfast etc etc. Then that very evening it all went bad. I understand she had this planned out but to be so nice one minute then shut me out completely seems so unbelieveable. Its just not normal for people to do. Being 900 miles from her now doesn't give much hope to 180 or much else. Yes, I understand do things for me and I am getting there at this point. But the fact remains, I love my W and would like to R.
Thanks for all your words of wisdom. They are much appreciated.
This would indicate a complete lack of care correct?
No I wouldnt say that, I guess the best thing I can explain is, have you ever read Alice in Wonderland? Imagine that you are ALICE, all is not always as it seems. Or to use another well known movie, THE GREAT and POWERFUL OZ, was just a small man behind a curtain making a lot of loud noise.
Originally Posted By: 2old
Therefore, I cant foresee your very interesting statement about how almost all LBS's get to determine the end result. I wonder how you come to that thought also?
So could you have forseen that the all powerful OZ was just a small man behind a curtain? Now since I already watched the movie I can tell you ahead of time that he is still just a small man and NOT the GREAT and POWERFUL OZ.
Maybe this was a silly analogy but the more you learn the more you will realize that it isnt.
I can come to this knowing, having spent many hours reading, learning, and working on what is going on here.
I wish I was wrong but I am pretty sure that if I stand on my chair and jump off that I will hit the floor.
This believe it or not has a lot of science to it. I believe in that.
Almost all LBS's get to decide on the relationship in the end, and for those that have not yet gotton to decide, it is not yet the end. I really like this statement, it gives me hope 2old, don't worry about the D bit, she may not file yet. I don't know how it works over there, but over here you have to pay. My H can't afford to file yet. He told me he is doing, but so far I've heard nothing from his solicitor. Don't worry about this until it happens. It's not a nice thing to have to go to and every day when an envelope comes through that door, you think is this it? However if you've got a plan then it makes it a little less painful. my plan is 1. Get myself a solicitor lined up in case he does file and 2. Ask the solicitor for a mediator. The mediator will also determine what caused the break up in the first place, so you'll finally discover the truth. Remember at this moment in time it is all guesswork, you don't know why your W left. Work on the areas of your life that you don't like about yourself. I would love it if my H said to the mediator that I always have a messy house and the mediator saw that my house was clean and tidy Also if your spouse refuses a mediator, then it will go against them in a court. Listen to what Cadet and the others are saying to you as well, they make a lot of sense
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Yes you can always have HOPE! HOPE is within each one of us and can not be taken away by another person. It is not the same as EXPECTATIONS, which you must bring to zero.
It might be a good idea to read the quotes on Admiral Jim Stockdale called "The Stockdale Paradox"
"You must retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.
AND at the same time…
You must confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be"
That is a good post and one which I have been trying to do I GAL often, I've got a few new friends that I've met since H left me I try and get out often, though I have my son here most of the time. Me and my son now eat together at the dining room table most nights, we always have at least one meal together every day. We make Saturday nights pizza and movie night. I make my own pizza to save money. This Saturday my H is having my son over to stay so I've invited a friend over for a meal and some wine. During the day I'll be going shopping and meeting a friend for a coffee Sunday it's Church and then I may be going out for a meal with another friend, depending what she's doing. Other GALs that I plan to do are go to the gym. I like the bit in the post that says look at the attractive people and see how they do it, then follow their example. Then look at the unattractive people and see what not to do. Even though I always try to look my best when I go out, I'm sure I can improve on this
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Well, I really appreciate the info I am getting just to let everyone know. It helps. Now another tough date is fast approaching on the 20th of this month. Yup, our 6th anniversary but 12 years together. Im guessing I dont acknowledge this date to her whatsoever correct? I cant even imagine what I could say or do.I continue to remail silent to her although I'm sure she received her mail today. I had to send it to her couldn't hold it back from her. That wouldn't of been right. Only her mail was sent and this time I did not email her with a heads up as I have done in the previous. Thoughts?
You're doing well and I feel sure she'll break her silence with you soon You're correct in assuming that you don't acknowledge your anniversary at all with her. My H left me 9 days before our wedding anniversary (just done some quick counting on my fingers there, lol). I didn't acknowledge our anniversary at all. I treated it as if it was just another day. In fact it was MIL who reminded me. She sent me some money the day before and told me to spend it on myself At first I was like - "what's this money for?" then I remembered, lol. Arrange to see a friend on that day or night. Have you joined any clubs since she left? I've continued with being on the carnival committee, though I couldn't do much as I had college work to do this year. It was good to be involved with something though and the night of our anniversary I had a sub committee meeting at my house. Have you got any resident committees you can join? I'd like to hear more about your GALs or plans for the future as so far you've only mentioned about your wife. What are you up to this weekend? I've mentioned above what I'm up to, busy as usual!, lol. I've not got a lot on tomorrow so I'll carry on with the house cleaning and tidying. Buy yourself another self help book to read I'm like a sponge at the moment, taking everything in Can anyone out there recommend a book for 2old? It'll need to be a book about self development at the moment I think. If you can't afford to buy a book, then do a search on the internet for self development and go through the list There's some great resources out there I do think maybe you should email her and say that you think that it'll be a lot quicker if she redirects her mail to her own house as you've not got time to do this all the time. What does anyone else think about this? Also is the mail you are sending important? If it's just junk mail then return to sender
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
It's only been 3 months! She is still in the early stages of separating from you and is probably still liking her single life. Give it a few months down the road and she may feel differently about her single life.
This is why the 180 rules and GALs are put into place, to become a better you. ok I'm done nagging now 