wife hardends heart-2

[Thumpered]

oh ok, sorry I saw your usage of things got ugly, u meant only by her then, my apologies.

Seems like any R talk, even when she brings it up in a negative way is too much. If she goes there, maybe change the subject, she's still rewriting marital history. This is usually a time you back off and stay away best as possible. This is a time that nothing you say can help, only make things worse, so try to not let it go there.

You said it yourself, when your not home, the OM is coming by. Its out of your control, and you'll never get the solution you desire. It sounds like the guy would drive her crazy in a week or so if given the chance, maybe that's your play. Try to get yourself out of the house more, until late, when u come home and go right to bed. I promise she'll wonder where you've been, and eventually might even ask. That mystery thing again.

Backing off, staying away from the house as much as possible, and when you do come in, have a smile on your face. Say hi and go to your room. let the process do its work for you. It does work given the time. On weekends, get the kids up early and take them to breakfast, then the park or something, get some kites, make a picnic out of it. Stay back and away as much as possible and trust in it all. Its gonna take some time, don't get impatient with it. He cant score brownie points if your being a good father, he just thinks he can.

Good luck, keep on keeping on.

[planet]

I don't know if I had made it worse.
I have not spoken anything about OM to W since I confronted him. I knew he had taken W and the kids out a couple of times and his fb stunt. All of these I just let it slide.
Tonight it's a different story. OM dropped off W and the kids and I was at home there to receive them. You can tell its pretty awkward. I did not react. I lead the kids into the house.
Only after I have tucked in the kids, I decided to have a 'talk' with W. I needed reaffirm my boundaries to W.

[planet]

So did she buy your share out of the house? Is the house hers before you got M? Also why would you think using your kids as scoring brownie points? Planet these are your kids it's ok to take them out with you. This has nothing to do with your sitch take care of them, take them out..and no I'm not saying this to win your W. As a matter of fact, you need to get your focus on YOU and your kids.

I gave away my share so my kids will not have to move. I don't think she can afford it. We jointly bought the place. She did put a lot more money into the renovations.

Boundaries are not allowing OM to score brownie points like pawns.

Right now, I can't win. Don't really want it too. Maybe it's just for tonight. I don't know but not right one.

[planet]

I agree with being mysterious.
I have been hanging out after work everyday but just enough so I could play with my kids before they go to bed.
W have been staying out even later than i am. Can't beat that. Just too sleepy. Sometimes I don't wait up for her. Not the right 180 though. I don't wait up at all in the past.

[newman7977]

"I gave away my share so my kids will not have to move. I don't think she can afford it. We jointly bought the place. She did put a lot more money into the renovations."

Are you still paying mortgage ? You gave away your share meaning you would have to move out in the event of D? IMO, reclaim your share. You are not a "guest" in this house you still co-own it.

It's not about winning planet, it's about finding you, your values, self respect and dignity. It's a realization that won't happen over night I get it. But start realizing.

[planet]

I signed away the house to W in our D agreements. It's binding. Yes I'm still paying the mortgage. W pays for everything else.

She's restricting the malls I could take the kids. Those are the safer ones. She don't think I could care for them but I've done it before without her. I don't doubt myself.
There are places like swimming pools I would love to take my kids to. I can't do it alone but she won't allow my family to help. She has issues with my family which is one the reasons for D. I would want her to help but she would not want to be seen or be with me.

[newman7977]

"I signed away the house to W in our D agreements. It's binding. Yes I'm still paying the mortgage. W pays for everything else."

^^^well this is done...personally I wouldn't have agreed to this.

"She's restricting the malls I could take the kids. Those are the safer ones. She don't think I could care for them but I've done it before without her. I don't doubt myself.
There are places like swimming pools I would love to take my kids to. I can't do it alone but she won't allow my family to help. She has issues with my family which is one the reasons for D. I would want her to help but she would not want to be seen or be with me."

^^^can you expand more on this? She puts restrictions on where you take your kids? This to me is a lot of controlling behavior on her part. Is that precisely it? Controlling on her part? Or is there a reason that made her think that way. Have you put your kids in danger before? What do you mean you can't do it alone? Because of your kids' age? You know you can change you and in return you can change the dynamics of this relationship.

What is your next course of action? I see in your sig the D will be final in 6-9 months. Sorry if you've posted it before. What is the D agreement re the kids?

[planet]

I don't think she have any basis at all. I have never put my kids in any danger. They are well behaved if I took them out because I remind them over and over while in the car. Controlling? Well I think she's always maintained that her way is right.

my two daughters are still very young. Won't be able pay 100% attention to both kids in the pool. Without help its just impossible.

I signed over the house to W. W has full custody and I have unrestricted visitation rights. I'll be paying an affordable alimony to W each month. There's a special request that i will have to pay 50% of my kids university education. W also wanted to insert visitation restrictions upon my family but was denied by the L. His reason was the kids should have a healthy relationship with their extended family despite our D. I wouldn't have agree to this too.
Right now, she wouldnt want my family to visit my kids. My family advised me not to provoke her any further. She wanted three years but shot it down 1 year after I protested. I hope time will heal her wounds.

[planet]

this morning W asked when I will move out. She gave me 2 months. I said i'm not ready to move just yet. Primarily due to my daughters.
She was pretty angry about yesterday and she felt that i had accused her of something. Guess that validation went wrong.
D3 came over and she asked W, why she's so angry at her papa all the time. W was speechless. I was validated. At 3, she somehow knew something is not right. I really have to protect them from all of this.

[Thumpered]

why do you have to move before the divorce becomes final? Do you have an agreement with that as part of the divorce? If you move out do you have to continue making the mortgage, AND pay rent somewhere else until the divorce is final?