Sorry for the long post, but really looking for some help. I am hoping some of you in Piecing have been where I am at, I was the neglectful and distant one and she was always the pursuer. Much different than when we were courting and the opposite was true.
I know she wants to talk about filing in the next few days. I feel if we file, a lot of opportunity to slowly ease into it and be consistent are now lost. That is why I am leaning heavily toward doing Option 1 below. All opinions are welcome. WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED.
History:
1) W has unworthiness of love issues from past. W always had to compete for love with sister (good girl) in her family. W was the rebellious one (bad girl) to get attention and love from parents and family. I think she might be doing this with me now, testing my love by rebelling and running away.
2) W has past unworthiness of love, abandonment, and disrespect issues with past Rs. I unfortunately began to reinforce these by acting foolish.
3) W began to feel neglected, disrespected, and unloved from me, I am guilty I wasn’t always this way, in courting, I placed W as the top priority, treated her like a princess. Since I stopped, maybe she thinks I don’t love her anymore?
4) I didn’t say ILY enough to W. I didn’t reinforce the love by speaking in her LLs. I really do believe W feels unloved by me or I don’t love her. This is not true.
5) W has trouble communicating her deep feelings. I think it is because she is afraid of getting hurt again, afraid the answer is not what she wants. In past Rs and with me. Especially true for her love and feelings towards me, since she views my neglect as betraying her love for me. She is afraid to show that love and be vulnerable again.
6) Because of this fear of unworthiness and unloved, W communicates in passive aggressive style, making hints, comments, and oh nothings. Very difficult for me to pickup and interpret. I was dense and very clouded by alien thinking.
7) W has said ILY but INILWY. I’m SURE W still loves me, I can see it within her eyes. It is just covered up with a lot of hurt and pain, that’s why she cries a lot when she sees me.
8) When our marriage was good, W always loved me so much. W has said so many times she loves me. That look in her eyes is true deep love. I was poor at reciprocating.
9) W is very emotional and cries often whenever we are together, especially whenever something emotional comes up.
10) It is very hard for W to be around me. She tries to avoid all contact unless necessary or unless it is on her terms. She tries to rush visits. She tries to rush phone calls.
11) I was very neglectful of her and her feelings and was disrespectful of her wishes. I did this unknowingly, I did not have my eyes open. Instead I debated her feelings and argued.
12) It is very hard for her to trust that I won’t hurt her again. Especially someone that she loves so much and that caused her so much pain. She is very cautious
She has even said to LF that in order for her to consider taking me back, he would have to show me he really loved me. She also used the dog as a metaphor, you haven’t been around in three months, what makes you think you can show affection for this dog? You never loved her. You never took care of her. In reality, I did a lot for that dog.
I almost lost W before we got married. She stayed with me because of an outpouring of heartfelt emotion. One of those R talks when I told her how much I loved her. I’m thinking this is very important. If W feels she is truly loved by someone she loves, she might be willing to give us another chance like she did before.
What I’ve tried doing:
1) Initially she was very angry and yelled at me that she wasn’t in love with me anymore and too little too late. She said there was a slight chance of her returning, but if I kept chasing her she’d run further away. So I stopped, I was scared silly. I didn’t want to lose her. I went dark.
2) She seemed to respond initially, so I thought going dark was working, so I went more dark. This was the wrong thing to do. She drifted further away. She didn’t initiate phone calls anymore. She stopped initiating contact. She started seeing an OM, no long term future for her, she says just hanging out and having fun.
3) Tried showing her I got a life. This doesn’t work. She thinks I don’t love her and I show that by not putting any effort into her or her endeavors. She thinks this is more of the same for me. She thinks I continue to neglect her. She thinks if I really loved her I would chase her or pursue her.
4) Over the past couple of weeks, I tried giving more effort. Initiating contact. Supporting her business endeavors. Being more giving, supportive, and around. This has ranged from being well received to her getting irritated and I don’t need your help type statements and comments (Cat hissing?). In the past, she has said the same thing, but later when she calms down, she says thank you and is very appreciative. She is responsive enough to where I am in doubt of what I should do.
Current Status:
1) We are both in limbo and clearly in a lot of pain right now. She has many work stresses in starting a new business.
2) Papers have not been filed yet. She has asked a couple times if we are going to do this? I have said it is not what I want, but I’m willing to let you go freely if it is what you want. I think she wants to hear me profess my love to change her mind, otherwise she thinks I just don’t love her enough to fight for her.
3) I said I couldn’t file until the end of January, after my birthday. She has been respectful of that and hasn’t pressed until now. Now she wants to set a time to talk about filing.
4) She could have filed anytime up until now if she really wanted to do this. It is a no fault state and 90 day waiting period.
Options:
1) Outpouring of heartfelt emotion talk. Also have been working on a letter. This is how I was able to get her to reconsider before. This may be exactly what she needs to see from me, that I really love her more than anything else in this world, that she is the most important thing in my life. Before or after filing if it comes to that?
2) Continue to slowly support her with her business and friendship. This will be very difficult to do if she files. I will do this anyway even if I do the above. Should I not do the above and just do this?
3) Do nothing and go dark. I have already done this. She will never be convinced I love her when she is looking for statements of love and efforts of love.
4) Open pursuit, not annoyance or pressure, but clearly stating and showing to the world how much I love her and how important she is to me. Flowers, gifts, etc. She does like these type of statements and even considers them romantic. Ideas of love influenced by Hollywood, media, movies, and magazines.
I would rather tell her and show her how I feel from my heart, I think this is the “Real Giving” that she wants, this is how she feels love. This way I know I have done and said what is true in my heart, I am being open and vulnerable and being a real man. What else have I got to lose? I’ve tried everything else.
