With that I can't let you off that easy even though you say you know why you contacted her...
Why do you still feel you need validation from your SBXW? Does she define your successes for you?
My self-esteem is still disabled by thoughts of the OW. I haven't yet gotten past that feeling of being "less" or "not as good as". It's been very difficult for me to detangle my self-worth from my SBXW's perception of me. What was once a sense to make her proud in a loving M, after the affair became; make her proud and she will love me again. It's been so difficult to sever that tie and heal the wound.
Mine was, as it's referred to in some circles, "The Ultimate Betrayal", in that not only was I betrayed by my spouse, I was also betrayed by a very good friend(the OW). I think because of this, because I know this woman so well, the inevitable obsession that we all feel with the OP... to compare ourselves, to see them, to know them... None of that was a mystery for me. I know her extremely well. My mystery came from the fact that I couldn't fathom my SBXW ever being attracted to or loving this woman. Absolutely mind-boggling. So then "it must be me" mentality set in.
I am not nearly as bad as I used to be. I am getting stronger and I do see my growth and feel my worth. But I fumble. Like I did in that contact scenario. I do feel the balance of power over my emotions shifting in my control. I'll get there.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
