"Going Dark" - 101

[workinprogress]

I'm new here. Going on three months separated. My H. left after feeling disconnected, empty nesters, lost job, and needing "things" to change. He felt as if he wasn't number one, second class in our home. I put the kids first... We wrote back and forth, for weeks, I mainly listened to what he didn't want, and finally got a bit of what he wants. To date no O.W. He started out living with a chum and stayed their for about 7 weeks. Realized it was like a frat house and had to get out. Now he is in a condo a friend is allowing him to stay in , free of charge. Oh yes, he is also 55. I have done a lot of listening, and encouraging him to vent. There was a lot of anger and resentment. We went to two M.C. sessions, but at the second one he declared he was unsure he wanted to work on the marriage , he wants to work on himself,and that we already had a good friendship. Perhaps that would change after he got counseling ; he wants it to be "about him". I couldn't leave fast enough from the place. Last week we wrote a couple of times about our feelings, and desires. He was honest about feeling no "desire" for me, and that he was not sure where it came from or if it was something that would return, perhaps it may have come from his feeling second.
I shared with him that he was not alone in those feelings. I had had many uncomfortable feelings about him, hate, sadness, no desire, anger, loneliness. I also had wonderful feelings of lust, joy, happiness, glee, etc. That I understood that marriage was about ups , downs, and plateaus. They could last hours, days, weeks, months and even years. I was not trying to convince him that things would be okay, but that he was not alone in his feelings. I told him he needed to feel them, and embrace them, for from that growth and understanding comes.
I had rolled my car a week ago, and was grateful that I'd been given a second chance at life. I am not going to get sucked down a dark hole and that happiness , sadness, anger, and resentment were choices. I let him know that I choose to celebrate my second chance, and I am choosing happiness. I ended the note by saying he was a smart guy, one of the things I so appreciate, and that he'll figure things out. He never responded to the note, but when he came over to collect the title to the car and mail, he seemed changed. It was a very brief time, an hour? He and I were upbeat and positive. He is working currently, with a better offer in the wings. He noticed I'd lost 23 lbs. actually gave me a compliment, which I haven't heard in oh 29 years! He was checking me out physically,( averting his eyes when I caught him looking) and asked me to dinner/lunch this coming weekend. I did not call him or text after he left. On the fourth day, yesterday, he called and we chatted. He tells me he will call on Friday, and I'm not sure if I should expect the date to occur. I do not want to expect or get hopes up. The last week has been up, but I just can't figure out why he wants to go out now? I am still bruised and tender, but do not wish to discourage his attempt. Especially since he needs to feel like he comes first. I did not ask about the weekend today, when we chatted on the phone again. I just don't know if I can take another disappointment. I'm trying to stay busy, and work on my reading, school, and the overgrown gardens I have. It is just so difficult, I don't want to go into non functional mode again.