I have been lurking in this this website for a while now. My wife and I have been together for 8 yrs. and married for 4 yrs. and with a 3 yr. old daughter. Last week of March before her and my daughter are going on their trip to California to see my in laws (we live in Hawaii, by the way), we had a big argument and she told that she is not happy in our marriage anymore. The following day she sent me and email telling she has fallen out of love and we should separate. She still came back here in Hawaii but told me only because she would just wait for her to get transferred on her job to California. She said maybe by the end of this year her and my daughter would move to California and I can just come and our daughter whenever I get the chance. These are the things that she had held resentments over me: she said I was very unsupportive of her and put a lot of presssure on her when it comes to finding a job and about studying for her exam. My wife is in the process of getting her license for her profession and feels a lot of pressure to pass it. She stayed home too on the first years of our marriage and only started working last year. I have a full time and part time job to support the family. One of her grievances against me too is that I made feel bad when I complained that I have to work 2 jobs to support the family. We are currently separated now, I move out of our apt. and staying with my family. I would only stay in our apt. to watch my daughter while at work but my wife and I do not see each other anymore. She is still very very angry at me and we had a lot of arguments eversince this situation happened.
Hi Reynaldo, I am sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like there has been alot of miscommunication and a lack of empathy on both sides for what the other partner has been going through. It is not easy to get back on track, but there are alot of things that you could do to bring her closer and to show that you are changing. That is what the Divorce Busting coaches can help you with. You will get immediate insight and direction on what you should be doing and not doing. It is incredibly helpful to have an expert guiding you to get the best possible outcome. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
"She said maybe by the end of this year her and my daughter would move to California and I can just come and our daughter whenever I get the chance."
Reynaldo, I'm not sure about your state, but here in CA if my wife left me or I left her either of us cannot move to another state. Fight for that, Wifes, husbands they can be replaced, but your daughter is your forever. Think about it.
I have thought about that and in the long run my daughter will be better of staying with my wife. Fighting for them to not move out of state would be just forcing my wife to be in unhappy situation or not letting her go. Besides, divorce have never disussed but its more because it would only happen if one of us decide to remarry. My wife keeps on saying she is not planning to date or remarry in the future buy who knows, right? She tells me that I'm probably the one who would find someone else.
Right now, I'm slowly learning to accept that my marriage is over and not hope for reconciliation. That is my wife keeps on telling me too. I go through a lot of emotions right now and having a hard time staying asleep.
Now I'm back to square one again, lost and confused. After almost a month of applying LRT and going dim (I've limited the times I see my W and let her initiate most of the contact) seems like I will have a breakthrough. Well, I guess its fool's gold. One night two weeks ago, I was invited to stay over and a lot of physical things happened, we hugged, we kissed, had sex and cuddled all night. The next few days we started spending a lot of times together and go out as a family with our D ( with lots of sex in between). There had a lot of pillow talks too, W told me out of the blue that she misses me and never expected that she would miss so much. Asked me not to get into a new relationship yet and whatnots. After 3 consecutive nights of spending togeteher I was asked to leave the house again because she said wanted to get rested for work the next day only to be asked to come back to the house after midnight. But still, nothing was mentioned about reconciling and I was still not asked to move back in. Worse, this weekend she got mad at me again for making her not able to go to brunch with her friends because I had to work and can not watch our D. During the past 2 weeks we were ok she even hinted that I was out having too much fun and not pursuing her. She even made me feel that I'm too eager to be single again and not want our family to be back together again. I saw the guilt time bomb went off too one night where she was crying all night for our little girl about her losing her family. Is my W just progressing along the typical WAW script or these are good signs? Most of all, what should I do next? Go back to LRT and dim mode? Wouldn't that look like too obvious now that I just want the same results before? I know LRT is for me too, and it helped me a great deal. Should I mix it up and be more available now? Please feel me free to advice because I really need it. I am so down again and very confused.
Reynaldo from your 4 posts, i think LRT is working well for you. What we say around here is "do what works"
what you did worked wonderfully, what is wrong is your expectations. a month of LRT wont solve all the problems and make everything perfect again.
most likely it took her a while to get to the point she was in March, likewise it will take her time to come back. and there will be days she doubts her decisions - to stay or go. and this doubt will bring out mixed emotions.
almost a month is no time at all. this is a long process, with many good and bad days, just relax and keep at it.
consistency is what you want to strive for. the smallest falter can set her off running. take this time to look at yourself and find what changes you need to make on yourself. fix yourself.
getting her to start considering to get back into the relationship is only the first step, you still need to fix what went wrong in the first place.
what you dont want to do is pressure her for more than she's willing to give, which could just drive her away. keep doing exactly what you're doing, and make very small changes to move closer to her. nothing drastic.
her emotions will go back and forth, just let them. validate her feelings, and take responsibility for your part in them, but let her take her responsibility also.
ignore her getting angry at you for working during her brunch time, that's not your fault and she's trying to place blame where it doesn't belong - unless of course you chose to work to specifically keep her from going to brunch then thats a different story.
read the "Sandi2's 37 Rules" thread.
also, do not give up your daughter without a fight. you dont want her to grow up thinking her father couldnt care enough about her to fight for her. You are the man in her life, you are her protector, show her what you're willing to do for her.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
