I don't know if it would do harm or not to also let her know that you won't be there forever?
I've been wondering this too, complicated. I've mentioned the desire to have "Reality Talks" for some time now in my posts here, but haven't said a word to W. Now that W is asking me, I'm starting to drop comments... and then standing back in my official T2 lab coat taking notes on my T2 approved clipboard. (uRw: you may want to add these items to your inventory... they're getting quite popular around here!)
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On the ride home from the grocery store last night, W once again initated R talk. Pressed to know more about how I felt about us, and why I haven't been talking about it.
I explained that I knew she was going through a really tough time right now, so I wanted to give her time and space to figure things things out without any interference from me.
W: (getting frustrated) OK, but that doesn't tell me what's going on inside your head. You must be thinking something, how do you feel about us? I get the feeling that you're just content to go on like this forever.
M: No, I'm certainly not content to go on like this forever... and won't. But I'm sticking around for now because you're worth it to me. More than worth it. We have always been a great team, and I'm confident we can be an even better one.
M: I get the feeling you want to break my resolve, so I'll give up on our M and file. Well, I'm not ready to give up. Maybe in 3 years I will be, maybe in 3 months, I don't know. I've been making changes, doing what I want to do, and enjoying my life. I hope that you find a way to do the same. Life is too short to do otherwise.
She agreed with me on this last point.
I drew her a picture of what I thought a new M could look like. She doesn't see it as possible.
W is still convinced that the "in love" feelings, and feelings of attraction, not only aren't there for her, but never were. This one point has remained constant for her through all this, and frankly does discourage me a bit.
W: I've wasted all this time... I don't see how I can go out and find a BF and start a new life now. I'm stuck.
W: We're poor, and I can't afford to move out like I want to. (My thought: POOR? that's just crazy talk, we have PLENTY!!! ...don't say that out loud, don't say that out loud) "Plus my job is shaky right now. I'm stuck here."
W: I'd like to get rid of stuff. My house is a mess and I can't keep up with it. It's just too hard to even think about working on it... I'd rather just go out and get my mind off of all this.
I said I felt bad that she felt that way, and really hope that she finds a way to work through this difficult time. That I was there for her if she needed anything. I also made mention that that she may find it helpful to enlist some outside help. And that as much as I really, really, wished I could, there was no way I could fix this for her... it doesn't work that way.
(it seems to me she's looking to me to fix things... Actually said as much in different words at least twice now)
My favorite takeaway comment from W last night: "I suppose I have to fix/figure out the old life before I can figure out the new one."
^^^^ I know right now "the new life" means something entirely different for her than it does for me, but I'll still take this comment as progress.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
"Plus my job is shaky right now. I'm stuck here."
