I typed out this post yesterday, but I don't think it went through. I hope you can address this issue with the MC. Avoiding arguments and learning the correct way to respond to these u-turns will help you to not fall back into that passive-pit.
And hopefully, the MC will help her to see how she needs to think about how the kids works on her nerves, etc, before she throws out her schedules (and other things) for you to follow whatever she says. She is not able to take care of the kids single-handed for several days before she is calling for help. If he can help the two of you to find a solution for dealing with this, it seems to me it would help you with a lot of other similar areas with her........and her u-turns.
I think you handled it very well. I know it's tempting to teach her to live by the rule she dished out, but you are trying to keep things civilized to get her to the MC.
Btw, I'm sure you noticed how she tries to turn things around to make it sound like it is your fault b/c you refuse to go "there" to help her. Stay firm in keeping your home. She is the one who chose to take the children out of their home and move so far away. But now she expects you to rescue her when she's tired. This is another example of how much you both need solution-based guidance.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Normally takes me 1.5 hours to get there. Left with 2 hours to get there. Theres 3 really long roads that connect where I am to where wife is. Check traffic report before I set off and the 1st road is closed to due a large accident. I take the really scenic route. Takes me an extra 10 mins but so far so good. As I approach the 2nd road they announce on the radio that the 3rd road is closed to due a large accident!! Took another even longer scenic route. Managed to get to the appointment 3 mins late.
She was really nice. Both W and I got on really well with her.
Lots of questions about our lives, our backgrounds, families, where we feel we are in the marriage. I said I know I am married but I don't feel like I am. She said so are you two feet in, one foot out, two feet out? I said I have been two feet in for 12 months but I'm getting fed up with it. I am one foot in willing to work on the marriage but also one foot out ready to end it if we can't do anything with it. Wife said she was one toe in.
A lot was said. The MC was trying to show me why W left and why at the time my W thought it was the only option. The MC also brought up W leaving me and said that she abandoned me and took my kids away. It wasn't as straight forward as that but she did bring it up. It was strange how she put it to my W and W sort of pulled a face and the MC said, you did abandon him and take his kids away, you might have had the right reasons to do it but that is what you did. W accepted it. I was more upset than I thought I would be right then. It was strangely therapeutic to see someone say that to my W and she took it. I was able to say things that I had never brought up before too. It was a very good session. There was a lot covered, it was 1.5 hours and I liked that. I won't write a full rundown now as it's quite late but if I think of anything worth mentioning I will bring it up later.
Spent quite a bit of time discussing some of our issues and a new ways of tackling them. They were mainly to do with me not being passive and wife having more patience for now.
MC said that we need to spend some time together to re-connect with no kids. W said that she want to spend time with me but I am holding back. I mentioned that every time we get close, which has been often in the last 12 months, W pulls away again and again. I'm getting fed up of it all crashing down. MC questioned wife about this and asked her if she understand why I feel like this and she needs to be careful. We discussed when would be a good time. I said I would be glad to do it but I don't know when we could fit that in. I said about work and having the kids and the driving and the MC turned to W and said when will you fit this in. W said if T1000 brings the kids back at lunch times on a Sunday we could do something then. I was shocked, W is giving up some of her precious weekend to work on us. I couldn't believe it!!!
After we left W asked me what I thought. I said I was very pleased with it and it exceeded my expectations on what an MC can be or do for us.
She didn't have any thoughts about it going in, wasn't expecting much at all. She really liked the MC. Thought the whole thing really good. Looking forward to going again. She offered to pay for all of the next session because I paid for this one!!!
We agreed that we would go once a month and spend some time together just us on Sunday afternoons.
W said that she sees us spending the next year making us right again. I said I was glad she had a realistic time frame so there was no rush and we can give it all time to stick and get it right.
W asked me if we could all have dinner together before me and the kids left. I said that was fine. We talked more during dinner. She has been texting me a fair bit tonight. She seems softer and more interested than before.
The MC has done something and that something appears to be very good up to now.
Another giant leap forward and very productive day (minus the traffic!).
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Oh yes keeping it slow. I do find expectations difficult but I am aware of them and plan to keep a tight leash on them.
How are you doing?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Thanks Sandi It's in a good place right now. I feel like even if W does do anything she has done before to derail our progress I would be comfortable calling her on it.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Just catching up with you on the last few weeks..things sound like they are going well.
I am not going to be a downer but I am going to caution you that the reason your W is doing what she is doing is because of your behavior. You MUST take this slow. I think time spent together is great, and if sex happens, it happens. It is how you act after that will matter. You have to let her show you she really wants this to work before you jump back in 100% and give her whatever she wants.
Her text a few days ago about the kids and you not being there to help proves this. Fortunately you handled it correctly.
You are growing a lot and this is what will save your M.
Also, I am not a medical professional, but please be careful on the bipolar issue. I had two different friends diagnosed with it, that sure didn't seem it - they had normal, every day issues and reactions, and the medication has made them worse than ever. One friend is on permanent disability at 45 years old and she was really just an alcoholic when they diagnosed her as BP. They are very serious meds. Your W doesn't appear bipolar with what you have described but it sure seems like something psychiatrists are anxious to diagnose, and often incorrectly. People who are struggling are so happy for a diagnosis are often happy to go along with anything.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Just catching up with you on the last few weeks..things sound like they are going well.
I am not going to be a downer but I am going to caution you that the reason your W is doing what she is doing is because of your behavior. You MUST take this slow. I think time spent together is great, and if sex happens, it happens. It is how you act after that will matter. You have to let her show you she really wants this to work before you jump back in 100% and give her whatever she wants.
Her text a few days ago about the kids and you not being there to help proves this. Fortunately you handled it correctly.
You are growing a lot and this is what will save your M.
Also, I am not a medical professional, but please be careful on the bipolar issue. I had two different friends diagnosed with it, that sure didn't seem it - they had normal, every day issues and reactions, and the medication has made them worse than ever. One friend is on permanent disability at 45 years old and she was really just an alcoholic when they diagnosed her as BP. They are very serious meds. Your W doesn't appear bipolar with what you have described but it sure seems like something psychiatrists are anxious to diagnose, and often incorrectly. People who are struggling are so happy for a diagnosis are often happy to go along with anything.
Hi LTH,
Thanks for your comments.
I agree, I have to stay on my course and not let any situations or changes in her behaviour lead to me dropping my guard like I have done in the past.
Normally on a day like today (after what happened yesterday) I would have been messaging her and even though I felt like it I haven't at all. She ended up contacting me late in the day. We kept it brief.
In regards to the bipolar. I think, she thinks, she could be bipolar because her father is bipolar and some of her traits fit this. I don't know if her father has been diagnosed or it's his opinion that he is. It's all just a lot of opinions being thrown about right now. I appreciate your warnings and I will keep them in mind.
What makes you say she isn't bipolar from what I have said?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
