Surviving Separation

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Thanks white rose. I appreciate your support. (And having a cheerleader on my side

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This selective responsiveness by my H to things I need a reply to is killing me.

I'm sorry but if I email you a question I expect a response. These are not emotional life changing decisions, but I need to make plans!

Does this day of the week work for you to help w/ our son this fall, i need to know so i can finalize daycare paperwork.... silence.
Is your mom still coming to stay at my house or did you ask her not to come like you were considering.... need to know so I can prepare for company.... Silence.
Did you mail a check to so and so like you said you would, just want to confirm our past due balance has been taken care of.... Nothing.

But then when it comes to questions about irrelevant things that don't matter he'll reply within minutes to my email.

I'm trying not to pester or nag for answers, but he's really making me crazy responding to some things and completely ignoring others. I want nothing more than to be completely dark, I just hate having to bring things up several times to get the info I need. Just answer me so i can move on with my life will ya?! Sheesh!

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Ugh, unreciprocated love feels so disheartening.

I don't know how this happened but my week has really spiraled to a point where I'm crying again. For the first two months of separation, I cried, grieved, accepted and started to feel better. I wont pretend i was "fine" or fully detached... i just wasnt feeling obscessed and all consumed like i do now. Why did he have to have that one tiny sliver of guilt and decide to reach out to me a few weeks back to put me back at square 1 w/ the healing process?

My biggest fear all along is that we weren't together long enough for him to even miss me now that I'm not in his life. Talking to him just now he sounded "good" and we talked like neighbors about how his visit went w/ his mom. We went over some of the questions I've been awaiting answers to and then the call ended.

When I hung up it occurred to me that here I am feeling like things are in limbo, but for him he's just living his life. He's not in limbo, he's just moving forward like its no big deal that we aren't together. Not angry, not sad, just nothing, no big deal. He didn't ask how I'm doing and didn't ask any questions about my life. He hasn't cared about my life for so long and he's not even curious about me or what I've been up to for the past 3 months. It's hard to imagine there was ever love there to begin with to just stop caring with the flip of a switch. If we had a long term marriage I'd say maybe he's just not showing his emotion... But I feel like we had our time, he moved on, and now being with someone else is just fine too for him. Minus the hassle of having a baby with me, he's just over it and on to better things.

Another big concern I've had when trying to decide whether or not to hold out hope was that if he came back it would be out of guilt (since I'm pregnant). It feels selfish to say this but I wanted him to come back to me because he loved me and wanted me in his life not because I'm preggo w/ his son. I know that I'll have the chance to show my best side to him again in a few weeks when he comes over to visit the baby, but I feel like I'm just setting myself up for another huge batch of rejection. No part of me wants seeing his newborn son to be something that triggers an urge to come back. I want it to be because our marriage is important and worthwhile to him. If I'm not on his mind now did we even have a valid relationship to fight for in the first place?

I'm swimming in emotional soup. I need to breathe and figure out how I'm going to stop spending all my time strategizing how to get him back. I need to let him go and really start accepting that the dreams I had are changed. Wishing harder doesn't make him love me. I feel like I'm just holding my breath. I know I'll be fine on my own, I just need to find air to start breathing again and find not just a "distraction" to take my mind off my sitch but to accept that he's not coming back. I won't close the door to this relationship but I really need to stop having "worry about my sitch" as my number one job. My work and kids would like my attention back and I'm so tired of feeling sad.

[Whiterose]

I think it's too much pressure for him....he literally cannot answer.

I would pretend like the answers are no, if you need to know right now, so make plans for daycare. I would assume your mother in law is coming and can you phone the company about the overdue bill?

Just take control of it and if he has any comments just, nicely, let him know you needed to make the plans and had asked him but had not had any response. If he freaks out let him do so and calmly explain again that you needed to make the plans and had contacted him but had not heard back. And then leave it. Don't engage.

Whether he answers, or not, you need to move on with your life and you do your best to include him but don't beg. If you don't get the answers you need YOU make the decisions best for YOU. he will learn, after a while, that you've taken control so get on the train or be left at the station.

I've had to do that with things around the house and with the boys. He understands that if he does t respond he doesn't get an opinion. I am the one doing the work and getting sh$t done so step up or step outta the way.

And it's hard.....don't get me wrong. You questions yourself. And it's exhausting BUT we need to do this for our kids and ourselves.

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He understands that if he does t respond he doesn't get an opinion. I am the one doing the work and getting sh$t done so step up or step outta the way.
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I needed to read this. I spend so much time trying to accommodate him, help him feel involved in the baby stuff etc. If he can't make it a priority to reply why do I continue to make involving him a priority?

And I did end up paying the bill even though it was something he should have paid. It was a lowsy $50 and looking back I should have just paid it to begin with rather than asking him for months if/when he was going to pay. I wasted so much energy just because I didn't want to step on his toes.

[Whiterose]

Unfortunately, one of my H major omplaints is that I'm a "dictator" so I've had to let other things slide so that when things need to get done, that are important, it gives me the freedom to do so without being accused of controlling. On the other hand, he has never wanted to do it, so you can't accuse me of being a dictator while also not stepping up to the plate.....but, this is my issue:)

Good on you for paying the bill. $50 in the grand scheme of things...not worth it. Look at is paying $50 for peace of mind. That's priceless

[slow_it_down]

One of my biggest concerns, not all that unlike the rest of the DBers on these boards, is that if I've done a good enough job of acting as if, having a PMA etc that my H will not know how I feel - that I'd still be open to a reconciling should his feelings change. However, unlike most of the people here my sitch isn't a traditional walk away spouse or someone in a straight MLC. Our breakups have always been a combo of him leaving and me pushing him away. I've often wondered how much he realizes the ball is in his court to come around if he wanted to. (vs thinking I don't want him here).

On Thursday when I had this immense feeling that I had to stop making reconciling our marriage the biggest focus of my time and energy I found that worrying that he didn't know he could come back was really keeping me from letting go.

It was time to change my approach so I could get some peace. So, I drafted an email... not for him, but for me. Simply put, I stated that I didn't see anything that has happened as making our marriage irreconcilably broken. I said I was ok letting him go because I accept that I'm not what he wants in his life. I put the ball very squarely in his court so I didn't have to worry about it anymore. I read it over about 100 times before sending to make sure it simply stated how I felt, telling him that I wasn't angry or holding onto anything against him while also making sure I didn't sound needy or like I was looking for any type of reply what so ever. I didn't ask him to come back, to work on things, nothing of that nature. Just that I'm not disappointed in him and that I don't think any less of him for the decisions that have been made.

Hitting send felt great. Being able to say that I cared but had accepted his choice felt wonderful. I woke up the next day and didn't even check my phone or email for a reply. I felt free to continue living my own life. Something about being able to honestly state my own feelings and being 'ok' with knowing it wouldn't be reciprocated or even acknowledged felt amazing.

Then something unexpected happened. He texted me during work regarding the email without actually saying anything about it (no response to it, just sort of acknowledging he got it) and then we texted back and forth for a bit about random topics like work and tv shows. He asked when my last day of work was before going on maternity leave. Its the first thing he's asked about me or my life in 3 months.

Then another unexpected thing happened. I kept the promise I made to myself the day before to stop spending so much time thinking about our sitch and to not let things like this suck me back into that place where it encompasses all of my mind. I've been forcing myself to visualize that big red stop sign and to concentrate on something else everytime I start thinking about our conversation Friday or about him.

Still, even if I'm feeling better and more detached I'm not sure what to do about texting. I'm generally always available and respond somewhat quickly when he texts me at work. I'm not the one initiating and I always feel like we are rebuilding some sort of connection when we have conversations even if they are sporadic every week or two.

Am I making myself too available or am I allowing us to rebuild our connection by responding? He knows I'm working and have never had a reason not to reply during the day since I have a flexible work arrangement, so not replying would indicate I'm mad at him (not that I'm mysterious or more involved in something else as would be the case if I wasn't replying in the evening or on weekends).

I also notice that he doesn't ever reach out on weekends. I'm ok with rebuilding things slowly, but I don't know how I feel about being someone he only has time for when he's at work and bored. And I most certainly am not reaching out to him on the weekend to see how he'd reply (if he'd be as carefree and nice as he is during the week) since the last time I did so I ended up with an angry girlfriend calling me on the phone.

So what should I do? Continue to reply readily to daytime texts or start really dragging out my reply times?

[Confluences]

Just wanted to say that this is a pretty good perspective, considering the monumental challenge of the circumstances. My W and I have not spoken in 5 weeks, which is sad but understanding the cycles and adjusting the expectation level down to "zero" is necessary to come to grips with the reality of the situation. I think about all those people that have no clue about the DB Methods and I really feel for them as they (like myself was prior to July 1st) are swimming in a dark sea of despair or even worse turning to some substance to cope.

It's an unfortunate reality and my down cycles hurt...a lot but it really comes down to having a mental game plan for dealing with emotional cycles. Books, DB Online Forum, and Exercise with Music (walk or run with an iPod) are great coping mechanisms.

It is a hard set of circumstances but these are life-saving coping methods that keep you sane during a not so sane phase of life. This is a place for all who are weary and carrying heavy burdens to pause and rest. Keep the faith.

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Thanks for stopping by my thread Confluences. Doesn't it just blow your mind that 5 weeks could pass without your spouse reaching out? Even when I'm feeling "ok" about life I still catch myself in awe that it's been 3 months of him showing little to no regret about vanishing. Just seems surreal to me.

Thanks for this line "keep the faith", I needed to hear that tonight.

As expected my H texted me bright and early to ask about the baby today. I had a feeling he'd wait until he was at work to check in rather than making contact over the weekend. Instead of keeping the conversation going as I am usually tempted to do, I replied "nothing yet." And let the conversation end quickly.

I woke up in a bad mood with a stomach ache wondering if I was in labor. For him to text me at work as predicted really rubbed me the wrong way. Like he can only show interest/excitement when he's way from OW. Luckily I did not have the baby today because I found myself being more irrational, moody and emotional than usual and would like to be in a better mood come delivery day! Plus it's days like today that I'm glad we are apart right now. I can have my own little pity party w/o him ever knowing about it.

Time for some sleep, I know tomorrow will be a much better day.

[Confluences]

You know, S_I_D, you have a special burden to bear right now with your pregnancy and I think that you H is logically feeling like a deadbeat (or at least he should) and maybe will come to his senses when your birth occurs. It sounds like MLC on his end and that he needs to just own up to his responsibilities of parenthood but that's me being black and white about things.

That is a really tough task but it sounds like you are up to the challenge of bringing a healthy baby into the world. Keep in touch.