The ups and downs of DBing

[Wendylon]

Still trying to detach--not terribly successfully today but not at its worst either.

The first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning is H and how he needs fixing/changing/improving. I feel as if I'm addicted to thinking about how H should be different.

H can't seem to get the right ADs and is either depressed or sleepy. At the moment, he is very sleepy all the time (he's on Zyban and Wellbutrin). He went back to bed after S14 was picked up for school and then again he had another sleep before supper. I find all the sleeping so unmanly and unattractive and yet I do feel some compassion at the same time because I hate feeling sleepy. I can see that he struggles but, as I said, I hate seeing him sleeping during the day. Often his belly is hanging out visibly and that gets to me too.

Another irritant is H leaving the table half way through the meal to floss his teeth. He goes to his study and takes forever sorting out his teeth. Often, he never makes it back to the kitchen before the end of the meal. I think he's actually on his laptop. He then snacks after supper. I hear him make many trips back and forth to the kitchen. I feel like asking him why he doesn't actually have his supper with us and then stop snacking. I find the snacking annoying too since he's overweight and not exercising.

I know that I need to detach and I'm not expecting anyone to say anything to the contrary. After supper, I was hanging out with D16 in the kitchen and thinking that it's actually really nice not having him around all the time so I should simply enjoy it. Glass half-full as opposed to half-empty... D16 and I joke around a lot. I actually really enjoy one on one time with her and we chat about things that H wouldn't be that interested in anyway.

I did snoop a bit today. Of course, it didn't help my mood. I saw that he's taken out a new credit card. I also saw that he has unopened financial looking letters in his study. Not opening his mail is what led to the bailiffs coming to the door in April. He doesn't open 'scary' letters.

On the positive side, I do have moments throughout the day where I feel lucky to be living the life I lead and notice that I do have tons to be grateful for. I don't want to make H the focus but that's often where I go mentally. It nearly feels a bit OCDish.