I am so stunned by the Dinner Exchange between you and your wife, you could literally knock me over with a feather.
I think your response to her was very appropriate, and it was NOT passive aggressive. It was you exercising your FREE WILL, your ability to make a CHOICE. In some circles, this is called 'drawing a boundary.'
The only place I see you continuing to get hung up with your wife is getting 'into the sh!t' with her. The next time she calls you passive aggressive, simply say to her, "I'm sorry you choose to see it that way.' After all, she has a right to see the world in any way she chooses. You have the right not to 'step into her sh!t.' If she continues to plow on and try to convince WHY her view of things is correct, simply acknowledge that something is coming out of her mouth. "Yep, I hear what you are saying." You certainly don't have to agree with her, and neither do you have to defend your differing view point with her.
As for household duties, cooking, childcare, etc., I think you should treat your marriage like the business partnership that it is. Make a schedule. Tell her you'll cook x, y and z nights of the week. Tell her you'll cook what you enjoy cooking, and if she wants to eat it, great. If not, she can fend for herself. Tell her that when you cook, you will NOT be doing KP duty. And if she doesn't do KP duty of the night you cook, LET THE DISHES SIT. She can argue if she wants to; she can argue until the cows come home, but don't you DARE give in and do the dishes.
You will notice above that you are merely stating what you will and won't do. You are not stating what you EXPECT HER to do. It is her CHOICE either to do the dishes or not. It is your BOUNDARY to say that you will not do KP duty on the night you cook. If you give in, you are in violation of your own boundary, and she is not to blame.
Move her down to the level of friend, and offer to her the respect you would give a stranger, but NOT the respect a reciprocating spouse deserves. Treat her like the roommate and business partner she wants to be. You can do this, really. Believe me, she WILL notice. It may take a few weeks, but if you stick to your BOUNDARIES, and you keep a polite distance, she IS going to notice.
And when she does get around to asking you what is wrong, because she will, tell your wife that you are respecting her space and her right to choose. Tell her that you understand that this is how she is and you accept her as such. But be very clear to her that, for your part, you want a happy and loving marriage that you BOTH can enjoy, and if she is not willing to work with you and do whatever it takes to make you both as happy as possible, then the promise of 'forever' that you made to her is now null and void. Now, you will stay in the marriage as it is for as long as you can, but you just don't know how long that will be.
You are being WAY TOO acommodating for her, and I think it is half your problem. YES, become more independent. Fend for yourself. Think of yourself FIRST and extend to her the courtesy you would extend to a roommate. No, this is NOT cruel. You are giving to her exactly what she says she wants, but you are drawing your own boundaries.
Stay out of her sh!t, hairdog. Do not argue with her. There is no reason. But, that does not mean you cannot draw boundaries.
