I don't know how this happened but my week has really spiraled to a point where I'm crying again. For the first two months of separation, I cried, grieved, accepted and started to feel better. I wont pretend i was "fine" or fully detached... i just wasnt feeling obscessed and all consumed like i do now. Why did he have to have that one tiny sliver of guilt and decide to reach out to me a few weeks back to put me back at square 1 w/ the healing process?
My biggest fear all along is that we weren't together long enough for him to even miss me now that I'm not in his life. Talking to him just now he sounded "good" and we talked like neighbors about how his visit went w/ his mom. We went over some of the questions I've been awaiting answers to and then the call ended.
When I hung up it occurred to me that here I am feeling like things are in limbo, but for him he's just living his life. He's not in limbo, he's just moving forward like its no big deal that we aren't together. Not angry, not sad, just nothing, no big deal. He didn't ask how I'm doing and didn't ask any questions about my life. He hasn't cared about my life for so long and he's not even curious about me or what I've been up to for the past 3 months. It's hard to imagine there was ever love there to begin with to just stop caring with the flip of a switch. If we had a long term marriage I'd say maybe he's just not showing his emotion... But I feel like we had our time, he moved on, and now being with someone else is just fine too for him. Minus the hassle of having a baby with me, he's just over it and on to better things.
Another big concern I've had when trying to decide whether or not to hold out hope was that if he came back it would be out of guilt (since I'm pregnant). It feels selfish to say this but I wanted him to come back to me because he loved me and wanted me in his life not because I'm preggo w/ his son. I know that I'll have the chance to show my best side to him again in a few weeks when he comes over to visit the baby, but I feel like I'm just setting myself up for another huge batch of rejection. No part of me wants seeing his newborn son to be something that triggers an urge to come back. I want it to be because our marriage is important and worthwhile to him. If I'm not on his mind now did we even have a valid relationship to fight for in the first place?
I'm swimming in emotional soup. I need to breathe and figure out how I'm going to stop spending all my time strategizing how to get him back. I need to let him go and really start accepting that the dreams I had are changed. Wishing harder doesn't make him love me. I feel like I'm just holding my breath. I know I'll be fine on my own, I just need to find air to start breathing again and find not just a "distraction" to take my mind off my sitch but to accept that he's not coming back. I won't close the door to this relationship but I really need to stop having "worry about my sitch" as my number one job. My work and kids would like my attention back and I'm so tired of feeling sad.
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
