Husband Threatened to Leave, Don't know what to do

[Lll54]

"but no touch from his hands."

This is an example of overanalyzing.

Breathe and JUST LET IT GO.

"Like sounds like his priorities are way out of line."

To whose standards? Yours? Stop interpreting what he is doing. You're mindreading so badly right now.

Again...you put me in my place. Yes you are right right right.
The only think getting me through the day is my kids distraction and the fact he still talks about life, and our trip, and our fridge, and he took his buddy downstairs to see our new carpet today. I feel those are positives? Please somebody tell me those are not the usual actions of a WAS. Please!

[Lll54]

I know he wants more affection from you and you want to provide it for him, but maybe now is not the time to be chasing him because there is obviously more to his problems than meets the eye. If he was a little bit older I'd wonder if he wasn't having a midlife crisis.

I agree....last week it was cause of me...my lack of affection, our struggling sex life....but this week has been great for that, and he noticed and thanked me and appreciates it and is still gone. So there HAS to be something more to it!

I know I can't fix him...but I just want to be there to support and make sure he doesn't jump the gun and make the wrong decision by leaving.

I agree with the midlife crisis...I actually thought last time it was like a quarter life crisis or something cause he was 25. But again it has hit like a ton of bricks. I know the touch and affection hasn't come out of nowhere but whatever else is bothering him has....

[Lll54]

Well...he just called me from work and apologized for being such a jerk. I said it was okay and I'm hear when he is ready to talk about it. He said he knows and that he doesn't mean to be the way he is being and that he is "just going through something" right now. I really think maybe its starting to click that its him not me. The more he realizes that I think the better off we will be. He was talking in a very sweet voice and said he will update me on his night at work and bye for now...

It felt really good for him to apologize to me! I hope this is the beginning of the end....

[TrentC]

I know I can't fix him...but I just want to be there to support and make sure he doesn't jump the gun and make the wrong decision by leaving.

You can't make him make that choice; that's a textbook codependent response.

If he wants to go then he'll go, and it doesn't have to be because you didn't kiss him enough. You stick to your changes and let him deal with his stuff.

[Lll54]

Yep. I was so co-dependent last time and I thought i fought through it and beat it. And I may may very well have over the years. But in right back here again....and yes I know I'm being co-dependent again. I'm sticking to my changes...I'm not gonna backslide at all. It just helps to get a little from him. I just pray whatever his little something he states he is going through passes and is just a funk.

His mom is here visiting and I have been spending a lot of time with her cause he is working and he also thanked me for being so good with his family this week too. And that he appreciates it. I feel like these are all positive things.

[Lll54]

gabbysmom23 - I don't wanna sound naive but no I don't think so at all. We live in such a small town, and close friends of ours who is also a fellow employee with H are living with us right now. If he isn't home, he is at work with our friend, or he is out with our boys, or his sister who lives here also. It just isn't happening.

He was in a pretty good mood again tonight at work. He text me a few times and seemed to be in a good mood....I honestly think there might be a mood disorder rising within him... and he doesn't see it or want to believe it so he blames our marriage cause its all he can think of.

Since our last split he is always reminding me how great our marriage is since then. That we are doing so well. Then this comes out of nowhere??

[MrBond]

"I honestly think there might be a mood disorder rising within him..."

Stop self diagnosing him. He's got some things on his mind. It doesn't mean that he has a mood disorder.

"and he doesn't see it or want to believe it so he blames our marriage cause its all he can think of. "

AGAIN this is the part that you can't stop. He WAS NOT blaming your M. YOU keep saying that. He said he had some things on his mind. Why do you keep thinking it's about the M? You are going to drive yourself crazy and push him away.

[Lll54]

AGAIN this is the part that you can't stop. He WAS NOT blaming your M. YOU keep saying that. He said he had some things on his mind. Why do you keep thinking it's about the M? You are going to drive yourself crazy and push him away.

I guess cause when this all started it was him telling me that he is not happy with the past few months and constantly stating his need for more affection and a better sex life. I find that M problems? If he just has things on his mind why wont he talk to me about them?

And yes I feel like i'm already crazy and suffering from this...This happened last time to me as well. I just need to sleep...I need a minute without this on my mind, a minute where I'm not scared of our next conversation and whether its good or bad....

Thanks MrBond....

[TrentC]

I guess cause when this all started it was him telling me that he is not happy with the past few months and constantly stating his need for more affection and a better sex life. I find that M problems?

We're not saying that there aren't problems in your marriage that need to be addressed by both of you. We're saying that those problems are apparently not the only thing your husband is dealing with right now.

So you take care of the parts you're responsible for fixing, and let him deal with the rest.

If he just has things on his mind why wont he talk to me about them?

I dunno, why did you ignore his complaints about physical affection for so long? Because people are imperfect; because so few of us grow up knowing what a healthy marriage is supposed to look like.

Maybe he's holding back because he's protecting himself. I mean, you two went through all of this once before and thought it was behind you. Once bitten, twice shy?

And yes I feel like i'm already crazy and suffering from this...This happened last time to me as well. I just need to sleep...I need a minute without this on my mind, a minute where I'm not scared of our next conversation and whether its good or bad...

I know exactly how you feel. I had the exact same fear when my wife BDed me. Scared of every interaction, scared that the next fight we had would mean that she would call it quit.

What eventually got me through it—and make no mistake, it wasn't easy and it didn't come quickly—was the conscious choice to stop worrying about it.

I was rereading your old thread yesterday, and it seems like it's the exact same stuff all over again. He gets distant or moody, you panic and try to hold on to him even tighter, which puts more pressure on him.

This is DB 101 stuff. Think back to when you were single and dating. Was there ever a time when you were seeing a guy and you weren't that into him? How you would have felt if he started begging you not to break up with him?

[Lll54]

Stop worrying...stop worrying....stop worrying....trying so hard....

Positive for today....stopped to visit his mom and husband and her husband went on a ride a long last night with H. (H is a policeman) and he told me
this morning that they had a lot of fun. Which is good. He also mentioned that H talked to him about me going back to school (which is the plan for Sept ) and he said how this is perfect timing for me to do it. He said that H was very supportive of being doing it and he said "H is definitely on your side with this"

Taking this as a positive thing....