Needing some guidance... 6

[jks]

So I just read through this entire thread tonight and realized that I have completely lost sight of my goals. I have gone in the opposite direction of everything I had set out to do. It is the most frustrating feeling because I came out of a very traumatic, damaging situation with my ex and I'm now finding myself in another relationship with someone who is very emotionally abusive and spiritually/religiously not what I want. All the while, as I try to get away from him. I can't. The feelings of detaching from someone yet again are painfully hard to face.

I went 10 days a couple weeks ago without talking to him AT ALL. I felt like I was torturing myself. I went into a mode of complete depression and lost all interest in life and just straight up functioning. My house was in the worst disarray and my kids were barely being taken care of. As soon as I started talking to him again... all of my motivation came back. It's sickening. Why do I have to have this man in my life? I'm so mad I met someone like this and aloud him to get so close to me.

I can't even commit to him and he knows that and that in itself is such a messed up relationship if you ask me. I mean, we've been dating since February and I still can't commit?

So my new plan is to move again. When I moved where I did, I moved really far away from my friends and family. So I'm moving back closer to where I grew up. I have a job interview tomorrow with a company that I used to work for. I'm crossing my fingers that this is the answer to my prayers. I lost my job in May and have been looking for another job ever since with no luck. I have one more month with my current lease and I have to figure something out fast.

All in all, I desperately want to find that girl again. The girl that was ok without a man in her life. The girl that knew what she wanted and who she wanted to be. I have disappointed myself tremendously in the last couple months. My life seems to be completely out of control and I need to have stability again.

My ex has been insanely mean and cold-hearted as well to add on top of everything else. It was funny to me reading back how he was so friendly to me and willing to help me and now he is so far passed that. He wants nothing to do with me and puts me down quite a bit. I have to remind him that I do not deserve to be put down. I am doing the best I can.

I'm needing help from this forum again. I'm becoming extremely desperate for answers as to how to handle this situation. IT IS SO HARD!!